Thursday, December 15, 2016

Life After Porn Project, Day 3: What's Life Like When You've Been Off Porn 3 Years?

Noah Church at AddictedToInternetPorn.com made my week! He's the first (of hopefully many!) to respond to my query: What's life like post-porn? He writes:

Since I have admitted my addiction to myself and others, purged porn from my life, and gotten clean, I now feel secure in the fact that I am living according to my own values, that I am strong enough to decide what's right and wrong in my life and stick to those values even when things get difficult. This means I'm not afraid to show myself. I'm not worried about anyone discovering my secrets or seeing who I really am because I'm proud and unashamed. This translates to a willingness to put myself out there and go for what I want, say what I feel, and try new things, not fearing failure but accepting it as a learning experience when it comes.

Relapse doesn't just happen. Something always leads up to it, whether its porn-inspired fantasies, procrastination online, loneliness, depression, etc. Learning to live without porn was a process of self-discovery, and I find that I am much more aware of myself now. I know the mental traps I can fall into that lead to relapse, and I'm mindful of my thoughts and feelings from moment to moment. Now, instead of habitually dealing with desires and difficult emotions with coping activities like using porn, I can live with myself in a more healthful way, directing my energy toward the things I know will actually make me proud, happy, and satisfied.

Now that I'm clean from porn, I feel free to really appreciate the people around me and all the little joys of everyday life. I'm present with people now. Instead of thinking about what I'm going to do later or what I can get from someone I'm talking to, I just want to get to know them. I'm genuinely curious to understand them. Women comment that I make more eye contact than other men, that it feels like I'm really listening.


When I was using porn, sex with real women was awkward, boring, disconnected--it felt unnatural. My brain was so wired to porn that it completely destroyed the magic of actual intimacy. Now that I'm free from porn's influence, a real sexual connection with a woman is far better than 1000 hours of using porn could ever be. I can feel that connection in my body and soul now, whereas before I just felt empty. There really are no words that can adequately describe it.

Thanks a million Noah. Even though there truly are, as you said, "no words that can adequately describe it," you've provided a great sneak preview!

For more insights check out Noah's book Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn.

If you've been off porn for a month plus, we'd love to hear your observations, too. Comment below and let us know what life's like for you now. If you have a lot to say, email me mark@suncrestcounseling.com and I'll publish it as a post.

If you'd like stronger relationships to be a part of your recovery, check out our free program: Love Heals Porn.


2 comments:

  1. I’m Vinny. I am the Managing Director of Candeo. I didn’t know I would ever find out the answer to this question, I was so steeped into my own addictive behaviors with both drugs and porn for so many years. Now, at age 63, with many years of being both clean and sober, I tell those I work with “If you knew how great life after porn REALLY was, you’d put your track shoes on and sprint to get there.” Well, Noah’s words, are much more eloquent and descriptive than my little phrase, but they mean the same thing. Life REALLY is quite amazing after porn. The irony is, that what Noah is describing are all the things I tried to find with porn, but in such a distorted and futile way. Only in letting go of porn did I finally find all the happiness and joy I had been so desperately and so ignorantly seeking. I know there are no words adequate enough to describe how great life really is now, and Noah’s words are marvelous, but I would add my favorite word: FREEDOM.

    I feel as though I have been led out of the grasp of the most tyrannical dictator one could ever imagine. I feel like I’ve stopped playing one note on a piano, incessantly, over and over again, and can now lead an entire orchestra with all sections playing in harmony and in concert with each other: wife, work, church, friends, associates, play, etc. all being given healthy attention. All balanced. No more being interrupted by that overwhelming taskmaster who stole the first 45 years of my life, and lied to me about its perceived benefits, and lying to me about its probably costs. I go to bed FREE. I awaken FREE. No efforts to cover up or hide, because there is nothing to hide or cover up. Oh, how simple and beautiful life becomes. I can look at people in the eyes, and give authentic attention to them, as Noah describes, because I can focus my thoughts on THEM, now, rather than worrying about how to cover up and hide the dark parts of my life so I won’t be rejected.

    Would love to hear more on this wonderful topic. Noah, I must say “Wonderfully said!” Huge topic Mark. Thanks for posting, and for all you do to help others.

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  2. Noah said it well. It is hard to describe how great it is to be clean. FREEDOM is a good word to describe it. I also agree with what Vinny said, too.

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