Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Trade Your Addictive Ritual for a Healing One

After struggling for days to resist the impulse, an addict shuts the door to his office. His heart pounds as he enters a search term into the internet browser on his phone, launching yet again into the ritual of his addiction. 

A ritual is a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order that we follow regularly and invariably. Our addictions owe some of their potency to their ritualistic nature. Instead of simply doing nothing when we're tempted to act out, it can be easier to abstain from our self-defeating ritual if we put in a positive ritual in its place. The following is a guest post by my friend, Jason Webb. Some of my clients have tried the practice he prescribes and found it to be helpful. 

We need to be in the right state of mind to be truly effective and to avoid problems. It is too easy to fall into anger, impatience, compulsions, hurry, apathy, etc. To avoid those, we need to be in a state of mind that is more centered, gratitude-based, in the moment, confident, in-tune with divinity, and open. 

There are lots of techniques to change your state of mind, like meditation, affirmations, etc., but they seem to only get you part of the way there and each take time. It turns out that many of them can be combined into a prayer of about 2 - 5 minutes and you can end your prayer in a wonderful state of mind that makes it much easier to be patient, warm, persuasive, caring, thoughtful, careful, etc. and to make better choices in general.

The prayer starts with getting in a comfortable position where you can take deep breathes and have some privacy.  It is hard to be in a good state of mind when you are in pain or discomfort. I sit cross-legged and it seems to work well. Then close your eyes so it is easier to focus on how you feel.

Take a couple of deep breathes, in through the nose and out through the mouth. When you breathe out through your mouth make a little sound that feels natural. I will usually make a "ooooh" sound naturally.  The "ooooh" sound is usually associated with stress, pain, etc. How you feel impacts your body and vice-versa. I am also usually a little hunched over, too.  This is a position of stress, too.  How I comfortably sit and the breathing sound I make tells me a little about how I am feeling deep inside.

Use your body to help feel a little better. Change the natural sound to a more confident sound.  "Ahhh" is usually a good confident sound, so I use that. Change your posture to a more confident posture. I pull my shoulders back, sit a little straighter and move my head and arms so that I am facing the world. I do that until I start to feel more confident and strong.  It usually takes several breathes.  I also notice that when I am feeling confident and strong, I can pause for longer between breathing in and out with more calm. This also floods your brain with oxygen and we want your brain to be active for what comes next.

Then, connect with your feelings and with the moment by focusing your attention on the physical sensations you are feeling in a specific part of your body. I usually pick my big toe unless some other part is distracting me with pain or some other strong sensation. If I have a hard time focusing my attention, I will touch my toe and maybe rub it slightly until I can focus on it. I do that until I feel like I can focus and not be easily distracted. The more focused you are during the prayer, the more of an impact it will have for you.

When I feel ready, then I start my prayer and I speak out loud for the whole prayer (normal voice). Any words that you say or think will impact you, but spoken words are more of an impact. I invoke Deity and ask that my word will be heard. You can invoke the divine however you want, even if you are an atheist. 

Current research shows that there are parts of our brain (I call them the "god-seeking" parts) that regulate how we handle contradiction, disappointment, lies, paradoxes, unsolved problems, the unknown, etc. and that seems to be a major driving force in our drive to religion (e.g. why do bad things happen to good people, what happens after we die, how do I know that I should marry that person, should I take a risk and start this business, how do I deal with this diagnosis from my doctor). It also is how we can adapt to almost anything that life throws at us without going to a "blue-screen of death" like computers will do when stuff doesn't make sense. This part of our brain influences what we believe about ourselves and our situation in life. Also, these parts of our brain have many more connections and brain cells devoted to them than the rational parts of our brain and they are more directly connected to our feelings and the unconscious regulation of our body. Whether you believe in God or not, this is a powerful and important part of your brain that finds divinity/mysticism to be useful, so even if there is no God, it is helpful to access that part of your brain by seeking the help of something beyond you. Doing this will wake up that part of your brain and let it pay attention to the rest of the prayer. If there is a god, then all the better.

I then check how I feel.  If I have medium or stronger feelings, good or bad, I talk about them one at a time (if not, I skip this part). I will first explained what happened to cause the feeling (be specific).  Then I will explain how that made me feel.  Then I will talk about the need that was not met (or was met) by what happened to cause that feeling.  Doing this will reduce the effect of your negative feelings and increase the effect of your positive ones. Here is an example of me having two feelings and going through them one at a time:  I came home late last night after working hard all day and was excited to have some fun but when I got home then things were a disaster. That made me really frustrated and I still feel that way now. I need fun with my family and when I didn't get the fun, that made me frustrated. Also, this morning I woke up and didn't have a headache. That made me happy. I usually wake up with a headache and I need to feel comfortable, so waking up in a comfortable bed free of pain made me happy. 

Next comes gratitude.  Say, I am grateful for .... Pause between each one and get a sense of what you are really grateful for.  Don't just go through a list of things that you usually say.  Have it be based on your feelings right now. Do it until you feel like you are done.  Don't feel like you have to be grateful for your kids, spouse or job just because you should be. Only express gratitude for things that you feel grateful for at that moment.  If you can't think of anything, then sit there quietly until you can.  If that gives you feelings, then talk about your feelings. People who are grateful are happier, have more hope, are solution oriented, willing to take more risks, more fun to be around, etc.

Next comes your future self. Pray that you will be the things you want to be.  Phrase it in a way that allows you to say the phrase "I will ..."  Try to feel that way or feel what it would be like to be that way as you say each thing.  As an example, I say, "Please bless me that I will be fun today, that I will be careful of other people's feelings, that I will find joy in the moment today, that I will help others, that I will prosper, that I will be clever, that I will make good choices today, and that I will be a good parent."  I pause a little between each one and try to feel that as being true. This helps you remember who you want to be and helps your attitude be pointed in that direction.

Next comes everybody else. All the research I've seen says that people who are truly happy are those who lose themselves in something else or someone else, usually in the service of others. So now we want to turn our focus outward. I will pray for people that I know.  I will say things like: "Please bless soandso that they will be safe on their trip; please bless my children that they will learn good things, please bless that I will be able to find clever solutions for the needs of my customers; and please bless my customers that they will find the things that they need to be successful." This will turn your attention away from yourself. Also, since the things you are now praying about are usually things over which you have little to no control, without the divine it is not logical that your words will have any meaning. This is illogical and inconsistent with a godless reality. That strongly activates the "god-seeking" parts of your brain to help cement the good that your words have been doing for you. There is a lot of research that shows that the human brain will do almost anything to make the world make sense to it, so by saying these things that don't actually make sense in the context of a prayer if there is no divinity, you call on that ability. Doing so turns your attention to others, away from yourself, and bring the power of your subconscious to bear on everything that you have said and done in the prayer.

Then I close the prayer and get up.  I'm done and I usually feel very centered, calm, and positive for a several hours.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

What Wives of Porn Addicts Wish All Church Leaders Knew

In the midst of dealing with her husband's sexual addiction, Cynthia held onto the hope for recovery and healing. In the process of working and struggling and growing, she's met many other amazing women in the same situation. With their help, she compiled this list of insights that may benefit ecclesiastical leaders and the women they're helping:
  1. We are simply devastated. 
  2. We need to know about our husbands’ actions so that we don’t blame ourselves for whatever feels wrong in our marriages. 
  3. We also need to know of our husbands’ actions to help protect ourselves, our children, and our homes. Keeping someone in a relationship under false pretenses represents exploitation. 
  4. We will not get over it quickly. We would if we could, but it will take time and effort to find our way back to emotional health. 
  5. Our husbands’ lies have harmed us at least as much as the actual betrayal. 
  6. It is hard for us to reach out for support. 
  7. We need support. 
  8. Other women who have been in our shoes can provide vital support. 
  9. Our bishops may be the first people we reach out to after discovering our husbands’ addictions. It may be hard for us to trust Priesthood holders since our husband has held the Priesthood in our home. If we feel invalidated by our bishops, it will be so much harder for us to reach out for further support. 
  10. We may need ongoing support from our bishops. It may be hard for us to ask for this ongoing support. A little bit of reaching out and following up from our bishops may go a long way in helping us not feel overlooked or forgotten. 
  11. We did not cause this and we cannot cure it. 
  12. In most cases we have done nothing to bring this situation into our lives. It feels so unfair that we have no choice but to deal with it. 
  13. We are baffled that we ended up here. We have tried to do all the things that we thought would bring us our happy eternal marriage. This is the last thing we expected. 
  14. We may feel cheated that we ended up here despite doing everything right. 
  15. Our husbands do not act out with pornography and masturbation because we give them too little sex; they will not stop acting out with pornography and masturbation if we give them more sex. 
  16. We are in no position to be asked to give our husbands support. If anything we need their support to come to terms with what they have done. 
  17. The best way for us to support our husbands is to hold them accountable. Being asked to “forgive and forget” too early will hurt us both. 
  18. The best support we can give to our husbands is a healthy wife. We need to do what it takes to find our way back to healthy. 
  19. Despite our best efforts, our marriages may not survive. 
  20. Most addicts lie or minimize when asked about their addictions. Their bishops are not likely to have heard the entire story from our husbands. 
  21. Many of our husbands will continue to act out and to lie to us (and to their bishops) after their initial meetings with their bishops. It may not be appropriate to encourage us to trust them yet because they may not be trustworthy yet. 
  22. Even addicts dedicated to recovery tend to relapse several times before achieving lengthy sobriety. 
  23. We need to set some boundaries with our husbands to protect ourselves from ongoing harm. 
  24. We need to eventually forgive our husbands. We may not be capable of forgiving them as early as we may be asked to do. We will do our best to leave a place in our hearts for forgiveness to come. 
  25. Forgiveness does not mean tolerating harm. 
  26. Our husbands have most likely been trying for years to overcome their addictions by fasting, praying, reading their scriptures and attending the temple. These are vital components in their repentance and in building their spirituality. In most cases our husbands need more help than this to recover from addiction. 
  27. Our husbands are incapable of giving up their addictions if they keep them a secret. 
  28. Trust and forgiveness are not the same thing. We will probably forgive before we trust again. Trust needs to be earned once it has been lost. 
  29. If we are asked to make changes to help our husbands overcome their problems, and they don’t change, then we feel like we didn’t try hard enough or lacked faith. It may increase our shame. Only our husbands are responsible for their own behavior. 
  30. Letting our husbands off the hook too easily may decrease the urgency they feel about getting help. 
  31. We feel really ashamed as well. We feel embarrassed that we married someone with this problem, or that we didn’t see it sooner. 
  32. We may feel that if we were prettier, smarter, or more “something,” they would not have this problem. This is not true. In almost all cases, they were addicted before they ever met us. 
  33. We feel alone. We feel like no one else has this problem. 
  34. Isolation compounds our pain. 
  35. Our husbands have not been good husbands. They have been selfish and lacking in empathy. Addiction results in other bad behaviors that have been harming us. 
  36. We need to know what resources are available to help us. A bishop who is familiar with this problem and what these resources are could go a long way to helping us feel better sooner. 
  37. Our husbands’ actions in no way decrease our own worthiness. 
  38. We may want and need increased access to Priesthood blessings. Our husbands may not be worthy to give those blessings, and even if they are, they might not be the ones we want to ask to give them to us. It may be valuable to have our bishops help us identify who we can ask when we need this particular type of help. 
  39. We value our anonymity. We would appreciate our bishops encouraging discretion in anyone who may realize we are meeting frequently (e.g. executive secretary). 
  40. We want our bishops to not be afraid to admit what they don't know. They can ask us what they can do to help us. 
  41. We would like our bishops to not assume they know everything they need to know on this topic. Be open to good information. 
  42. We have experienced trauma because of our husbands’ betrayals. This trauma is not an indicator that we are not using the Atonement. 
  43. We should not simply replace all negative thoughts with positive ones. That shows denial of the impact this problem has in our lives. In order to heal from these difficult emotions, we need to allow ourselves to feel them. 
  44. We most likely need outside help to recover, just like our husbands do. Good counseling and regular support group meetings can help us tremendously. 
  45. We will not automatically get better when our husbands stop acting out. Our progress may actually lag behind theirs. The history of deception keeps us from being able to trust that we are now safe, even if they say that they have not relapsed in a long time. 
  46. Many marriages that fail from this problem actually fail because of the continued lying more than the continued acting out. 
  47. If our husbands have been caught instead of voluntarily disclosing, they may not actually have any desire to get better, no matter what impression they make. 
  48. We need help regardless of our husbands’ desire for help. 
  49. We may need help remembering that we have worth as individuals, no matter the outcome of our marriages. 
  50. This addiction has caused us to doubt ourselves, our own intuition and the guidance we are receiving from the Lord. We need you to support us as we seek for our own answers from the Spirit and make our own choices going forward.
  51. Extreme emotions are normal in our circumstances. We should not feel ashamed for feeling them.
Many thanks to Cynthia and the other women for sharing these insights. Are there any you would add?

Friday, July 25, 2014

The Mountain and the Meadow of Addiction: The Rewards of Persisting in Your Recovery Work

The author of this guest post is Trevor Earl, a very perceptive and talented therapist working in our South Jordan office. You can contact him at our office (801-255-1155) or email him at trevor@suncrestcounseling.com

Growing up on the foothills of Mount Timpanogos provided me with immediate access to a forest playground for hiking, camping, four wheeling, and experiencing adventures. I have done multiple activities on this mountain, and it has been the source of some of my most cherished memories. I have hiked the face. I have explored Battle Creek and Dry Canyon as well as summited the mountain directly in front of Mount Timpanogos, known to locals as Mount Baldy. During the course of these adventures I was challenged, but eventually I achieved my goals.

However, there was one hike that always got the best of me. This was my journey that I always failed to complete. It was my hike to THE meadow. This meadow symbolized more than a hike to me. It was something elusive that I was not quite able to figure out. I knew that I could get there, but every time I started to hike to it I was derailed, frustrated, and eventually gave up.

This is similar to the situations that people have faced in their battles with addictions. Whether these addictions are to drugs, porn, gambling, cutting, or something else, there is a common bond that most addicts share. This is the bond of having this one thing that they cannot quite conquer, despite being able to succeed in other aspects of their lives. It does not make sense why they cannot kick this “bad habit,” and the more times they fail, the more they suffer the consequences, and the more they doubt their abilities to succeed.

One day I decided enough was enough and that I was going to get to that meadow. I got a hold of one of my friends, we packed up some essential items to take with us on the hike, and we started the journey to the elusive meadow.
Now there is one thing you need to know about me—I am terrified of bears! And it just so happens that at the beginning of this hike there is a giant sign that says, “BE BEAR AWARE.” This caused me to have feelings of anxiety, helplessness, and fear. Not only did I have this hike to go on, but in the process I might become lunch meat for an animal that could overpower me at will.

After struggling with an addiction for an extended period of time it seems like there is always some kind of “bear” that gets in the way of recovery. It feels like it is something bigger than one could possibly fight off if they had to encounter it. The worst part is that it is often early in the recovery process that one starts to detect signs of something they are afraid of. Like the BE BEAR AWARE sign, it causes feelings of helplessness, self-doubt, anxiety, or self-defeating thoughts.

The good news is that despite encountering this BE BEAR AWARE sign I could still see my meadow, my objective, my goal, and I continued to trudge along. Shortly after the sign, it came time to veer off of my normal, designated path, and start to trail blaze. You see, there was no path to this meadow. I also had never been able to get there. I was going to have to get there by trailblazing and by keeping the meadow in sight. I quickly found out that this was easier said than done.

Much like veering off of a beaten path to get to a meadow, when individuals attempt to conquer an addiction they need to step into an unknown. Whether the addiction serves as a way to avoid or deal with tough emotions, to excite, to help relax, or to connect, breaking this routine will require an individual to try something new, or step into the unknown. One of the keys to recovery is having a “meadow” (values) to be fighting to get to. Values that can help them work through the unknown to keep working towards a goal that they have in mind.

As I continued my hike I ran into different obstacles. Shortly after I started trail blazing I came upon a wasp nests that I had to navigate through. Then there was a rock slide that I had to cross over. And then I had to crawl on my hands and knees for approximately a mile, under scrub oak. At times I lost sight of the meadow that I was hiking too. It seemed so distant and so unattainable. There were times that I could barely even see the sun because the scrub oak was so thick. It was at these times that the temptation to quit and turn around was the most influential. I wondered if this was really worth the effort, and if not getting to the meadow was really such a bad thing.

Often when facing an addiction, people face these same thoughts and similar obstacles. As they are constantly being bombarded with cravings, triggers, doubts, and at times broken relationships, they may question if is it really worth it, or if their addiction is really that bad At times these obstacles become so thick that it is difficult for them to see what is really worth working for, or what they value.

Eventually I made it to the meadow. Remember my friend that I set out on the journey with? He made it too. At times he was there to encourage me, or remind me of my goal. At other times it was just nice to have someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of. Mostly it was having someone’s support so I did not need to make my journey alone.

This is where therapy comes in play. Therapy is to help someone navigate through an addiction. A therapist can help someone that is struggling to find a “meadow” (value) to go after and discover what makes them truly want to get better. They can then help facilitate the creation of a plan to help the client remember what the desired outcome is, despite having obstacles appear that will cloud their view. A Therapist can also help the client come up with ideas to help work through feelings and thoughts of anxiety, helplessness, and despair.

Perhaps most crucial is that a therapist is there as someone who has seen others get to their meadows, and while each journey is unique, they can help a client prepare for and navigate through unanticipated obstacles that most people suffering from an addiction will unavoidably go through on their trail to recovery. They can help provide you with the essential items needed to make it over the rock slides, under the scrub oak, and past the bear on your way to your meadow.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Don't Relapse! (But if You Do...)

Here are 3 tools I often give clients as a packet to complete as soon as they can after relapsing. Some people just use one; others find it helpful to do all three. They can help you break down your last relapse, see it more clearly, and give you some good momentum for preventing the next one. 

Here's an even better idea: why wait for a relapse? You can also use them to get back on track after a close call! 

Give these exercises a try and let us know if they help.


Exercise #1: Retrace Your Steps

Use these codes to categorized each numbered item in the sequence: H = What Happened, D = What you Did, T = What you Thought, F = What you Felt emotionally, B = What you noticed in your Body

1. What I ended up doing... D:


2. and before that...


3. and before that...


4. and before that...


5. and before that...


6. and before that...


7. and before that...


8. and before that...


9. and before that...


10. and before that... (continue as long as it's meaningful...)



Sample Retrace Your Steps from Derek

1. What I ended up doing: D: Looked at porn on my phone

2. and before that... F: Was tempted to find porn

3. and before that... F: Overwhelmed, worried about how behind I am on school assignments

4. and before that... H: Weekend ended

5. and before that... D: Watched a lot of TV

6. and before that... D: Put off doing my homework

7. and before that... F: Frustrated that the essay isn’t perfect, can’t seem to get some of the wording up to my satisfaction

8. and before that... D: Worked on my essay

9. and before that... F: Excited, enthusiastic

10. and before that... T: I’m determined to get better grades this semester

(Before completing this exercise, Derek would have never suspected that being determined to get good grades would be a part of the sequence that led to his relapse.)


Exercise #2: Mental Redo

Part A. At what point(s) could I have changed courses? What could I have done different?

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


Part B. Mentally practice 5x interrupting what I actually did and taking the path(s) above instead.

What do you notice as you mentally run through taking these other, better courses?


Exercise #3: Letter to a Friend

Imagine one of your friends just did what you’ve done and has the exact feelings you do right now. Write them a note, starting with “Dear ________”. Offer encouragement, your perspective as an outsider, and anything else that will help them to keep the problem in proportion. Remind them of what good people they are and how much they have to offer. After you've finished, read below for more instructions.*

Date:

Dear ______________,













*Only read below after you’ve completed the letter:
Now, cross out your friend’s name and insert your own. Read this “letter to yourself” with an open mind.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

The Gentle Art of Self-Control, Lesson 11: Reverse Conditioning

Over and over again, you've paired the image of a sexually attractive person with the habit of lusting. In time, you don't even have to choose to lust when you see something or someone tempting--the sequence initiates automatically.

To change this pattern, you can condition yourself in a different direction by deliberately pairing trigger events with another, better sequence every time you're triggered.

To do so, try responding to triggers with a brief gesture designed to remind yourself who you are and what you care about.

George Collins suggests one I've found to be quite powerful: put your hand on your heart, look heavenward, and silently mouth or quietly say the words "Thank you."

This process is a sort of value anchor. When you think or see something that would usually trigger a lust lapse, it helps by:

  • Reminding you who you are: a human being with a heart, not just an animal driven by your genitals.
  • Orienting your attention upward instead of downward--heavenward if you're a spiritual person--and toward what you're grateful for, giving you somewhere to focus besides the potential object of your lust.
  • Initiating gratitude, a higher level (human) feelings state that can be a potent antidote for the animalistic state of lust. 
  • Giving you something to ponder: what, exactly, am I grateful for right now? This gives the searching mechanism in the mind something else to scope out besides objects of and opportunities for lust.
  • Bringing you back to your realm of power. From a spiritual perspective: the devil operates in the realm of thoughts and feelings. When we wrestle on his home territory, he has better footing. But (at least according to my beliefs) he doesn't possess muscles or vocal chords. So when we initiate even a simple behavior (placing your hand on your heart) or make even a brief, quiet statement ("Thank you"), we're like the alligator that just dragged the lion into the water, where our advantage lies.

In his book, Breaking the Cycle, Collins tells about a time when he came upon an attractive woman in a grocery store aisle. She bent down in front of him to grab a can of soup from a low shelf. His old lust-based reflex would have been to stare. Instead, he reached for his protein powder, put it into his cart, and turned to walk away. As he did, he put his hand on his heart and quietly whispered, "Thank you."

From the other direction came the soft voice of a woman he hadn't noticed before: "You're welcome."

Rather than a coincidence that she was standing there and responded as she did, it seemed to George like a little gift meant just for him. As he walked toward the cash register, tears came to his eyes as he relished how nice it was to be breaking free of the clutches of his sex addiction and deciding for himself where to focus and what to think.

One remarkable thing about reverse conditioning is that it can turn a source of aggravation--everyday triggers--into an ongoing series of opportunities to do something that bolsters your recovery instead. Little events that used to trip you up become the innoculations that help your mental immune system get stronger.

Keep at it regularly and this little reverse conditioning, value anchoring process will become a habit. Before long, you'll end up like George. You'll find that your brain, in response to triggers, automatically initiates movement down a better, more life-affirming path.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Address Low Female Desire So You Can Make Love More Often

Sexless and sex-sparse marriages leave men (and some women) more vulnerable to porn problems. No one gets everything they want in the sex department, but if yearnings are rarely or never fulfilled, despair may cloud judgment and good-hearted people may end up falling to temptation in weak moments.

For this reason and countless others, it's a good idea for all couples to keep their sexual relationship vibrant and active. At times that's easy and comes naturally to both partners. At other times sex is less enjoyable than usual and may not even seem worth the effort.

Levels of sexual desire can wax and wane for either partner, but sometimes the problem is more persistent. In some cases, chronic low female sexual desire is the end result of a downward spiral that includes:
  1. Inadequate time and attention being given to foreplay and the buildup of her sexual desire.
  2. As a result, she isn't adequately lubricated during sex. 
  3. Therefore, sex is not only less pleasurable than it might be, sometimes it's downright painful. 
  4. Her nervous system keeps her body out of "relax and enjoy sex" mode and in "brace myself against pain" mode. 
  5. Enjoyment and orgasm become nearly impossible. 
  6. That distasteful sexual experience creates a lasting negative association.
  7. She finds herself wanting to avoid sex altogether.
  8. She goes into their next encounter tense, bracing for another bad experience.
  9. And so on the downward spiral continues. 
When a couple works patiently together to assure the woman becomes adequately aroused before sex and climaxes during lovemaking, it makes for a much more fulfilling experience. Such positive experiences also create lasting associations, and she finds herself more eager to have sex. 

Sometimes, however, even when a couple diligently works to foster mutually fulfilling lovemaking experiences, desire, arousal and orgasm remain elusive. They may try and try but never get there, or finally succeed but only after a great deal of effort. They don't always have the time or energy to go through the process in the ways that work. Sometimes, even when they do persist, she doesn't find it as stimulating as usual and they tire of the ordeal. 

I've found a particular approach helpful for about 70-80% of such couples. If you try it out, remember that sexual desire and enjoyment require a delicate balance of many complicated factors, particularly for women, so don't get too discouraged or critical of yourself if the technique doesn't "work" for you.

This technique adapted from Claire Hutchins' book, Five Minutes to Orgasm Every Time You Make Love. The woman is on top, in the straddle position. Close your eyes and turn your attention to your own pleasure. (Don't worry that you're depriving him--most men are plenty turned on by this process.) Use your index or middle finger to rub your own clitoris. Use KY Jelly or another lubricant if needed. Experiment and vary the rate of movement and intensity of pressure. Some women find it stimulating to imagine various scenarios of lovemaking, talk about things that turn them on, or moan to express their pleasure. However, if it works better for you, don't hesitate to keep your focus inward, on your own sensations and experience, particularly when you are first experimenting with this approach. Over time as you get better at finding your pleasure zone and reaching orgasm, you'll open your eyes more often during the experience and communicate more freely. In general the process will become more interactive.

Some of my conservative religious clients are hesitant at first to try out this technique because they equate it with masturbation. I encourage them to consider whether self-stimulation during intercourse with their husband might be different from the masturbation that is discouraged by their Church. (I agree that masturbation can be detrimental when individuals are off on their own pleasuring themselves--having a solo experience--rather than channeling that sexual energy back into connecting with their spouse.)

I also ask, "How successful would your husband be at experiencing pleasure and achieving orgasm if he did not stimulate himself during sex? He thrusts because it stimulates him. You don't view that as him using your vagina to masturbate himself. You don't ask him to abstain from thrusting and only let you stimulate him. If you decide to experiment with this technique, as you do, consider whether rubbing your own clitoris during sex may be comparable to him engaging in the thrusting motion."

I don't try to talk a couple into doing anything they're genuinely uncomfortable with. Most of them have simply never considered this kind of technique as an option. I want to give them permission to explore and discover for themselves and then follow their own consciences and sensibilities in the matter.

The majority of my religious clients report after trying this approach that they're comfortable with it and it becomes a part of their lovemaking repertoire. It is a nice way to awaken her interest, heighten her pleasure, and more readily reach orgasm--even when she's tired, not as easily aroused as usual, or they don't have a lot of time or energy. 

When both partners reliably experience ecstasy and orgasm, they're both more invested in making sure they make love on a regular basis. And that's good for each of them as individuals and for the vitality of the bond they share. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

The Gentle Art of Self-Control, Lesson 10: Let Cravings Remind You to Address Real Needs

It's not as easy as it may seem to keep us addicted. Craving must lead to acting out because it's acting out that fuels future cravings. If we stop acting on our cravings, the entire machinery of addiction starts to wind down. Momentum starts to fade. Therefore, to keep the cycle going, the elements that foster the illusion of desirability must continually be convincingly recreated. That illusion of desirability, the spell we fall under when we're craving, is the linchpin of addiction. Break this trance and you've begun the process of breaking free of addiction's trap.

I liken the trance of addiction to the spell the Disney Corporation works so skillfully to hold us in when we're in one of their parks. They know all of the elements of trance must be painstakingly maintained in order to foster the "magic" that is key to their success. That's why you'll never see Aladdin break out his cell phone from the pocket of his harem pants to check a text from his buddy about what they're doing after work tonight. So we're left happy in the illusion that no resident of ancient Agrabah would carry a cell phone. Nor would he get a text even if he did have a phone, because his best friend is a monkey.

My client, Brandon, is becoming more and more familiar with the elements that fuel his addictive trance. He came in to our last session with a list and expounded to me on each item:

Working a ton: I find that whenever I work like I did over the past couple of weeks--7 shifts in 9 days at one point--I get worn down. I feel shaky emotionally. I feel like I'm on thinner ice spiritually. It's like I'm an empty bucket, but the things I usually find fulfilling, like going for a walk or watching a cool documentary, don't do the trick anymore. Even when I'm not at work I can't seem to wind down. There's a low grade tension that's a part of my life like background noise.

Self-doubt: I wonder more whether I'm a good husband and father. I doubt my spiritual contributions--wouldn't I have done more as Elder's Quorum President and felt closer to the Spirit of the Lord if I hadn't been dealing with this pornography addiction? Have I made the right career decisions? Would we have been better off staying in Albuquerque? My imagination generates these scenarios where life would have been easier or more fulfilling if I'd taken a different path. I'd be doing more with friends because I'd still be living around people I've known for a longer time. I'd have more free time because the hospital there does their shifts differently. And so I'd have taken twice as many bike rides this summer as I've been able to here... if only! I make myself miserable that way.

Nice guy mode: I don't bring up the things I want or need. I just suck it up. I'm reluctant to confront people and stand up for myself. I don't try to take the shoes back to the store, even though they don't fit after all. The shoe box just sits in the trunk of my car. I don't tell our lead that I've already worked my share of weekend shifts for the month. The ugliness of my parents always fighting is etched in my hard drive. I just want everyone to be okay and get along. My mom always told me I was the peacemaker, and I do love tranquility, but now it keeps me stuck going along with things I really shouldn't.

Brandon and I spent the hour identifying and working with three "helpers" that coincide with the trance-fueling patterns he had identified. He called these helpers Plow Horse, Second Guesser, and Nice Guy. He acknowledged that they had been trying to make his life better, but also that they didn't know the whole picture. There were some ways that they were not serving him well. We discussed what he could do--how he could handle some of the situations that he be facing over the next few days--that would be more consistent with who he is as a person and what he wants in life. That sounded much better to him than simply continuing these same patterns he had identified. And it sounded ten times better than lapsing to porn, as he'd been more tempted to do lately because he felt out of balance. 

Brandon made a few plans for taking action:
  • Arrange for a couple of long lunches in the next week to go biking.
  • Invite some friends to go out to eat with us this Friday or Saturday.
  • Try taking the kids swimming with me some evening to see if that's a better release than TV.
  • Make sure I go on a walk with Lisa every evening even if I still feel tense afterward.
  • Talk with my lead and be more firm about my schedule preferences (I know from looking at my colleagues schedules that the squeaky wheel sometimes gets the grease.)
Although planning was just the beginning of actually creating a more balanced life, Brandon let out a big sigh and his shoulders relaxed a bit as he looked over his list and considered whether there was anything else he wanted to add to it. He was listening to his soul and considering what it needed. And he was going to act on those needs even if it was difficult. 

Think about how much worse off he'd been if he'd allow all of the stress to merely drive him back to viewing porn and masturbating to it. Sure, there would have been an immediate release of the tension. But there's also the blinding and numbing effect of addiction. He would have set himself back even further from understanding himself and what he genuinely needed. Plus he would have felt guilty and ashamed, and thus even less entitled to asking for what he needs in all the various other arenas of life. 

Addiction to porn sucks away our humanity. Recovery may be about denying ourselves in some small ways, but it's mainly about regaining our humanity and respecting who we are and what we genuinely need. 

Next time you find yourself more compelled by the trance of your cravings, take a step back and consider the various areas of your life that may be out of balance. Then take concrete steps to restore balance in each of those arenas. 

Let your cravings be the light on the dashboard of your life, reminding you to change your worn belts and top off your fluid levels.