She's Mad Over Porn? Here's How to Win Her Back

She's mad because you secretly kept going to porn. On a deeper level, she's mad because you let your relationship needs take precedence over hers. You'll win her back gradually as she sees you prioritize her relationship needs, sacrificing yours for her sake and for the good of the relationship.

How you did damage by putting your relationship needs first: As men, we need more than anything to feel her confidence and trust, her approval and acceptance. When she sees you as the man who meets her needs, it's better than winning the lottery. When you're the guy she instinctively looks to look to when she is in need, you feel strong, competent, confident.

You're so driven by this role you play in her life that when you wake up in the morning and don't feel like going to work, you don't mention it. You don't whine. You suck it up and strap on your boots and trod out the door to slay the dragon. You take pride in it. You want to be the guy who takes care of things, not the guy who needs propping up and coddling.

When she expresses appreciation for your efforts--or better yet, when you just catch a look of admiration in her eyes--your heart soars. A year-end bonus from work is nice, but pleasing her is the real bell you're trying to hit as you swing the mallet in the high striker game of life. It's hard to put into words the potency of her appraisal. Nothing in life means more--on an emotional level at least--than how you're doing in her eyes.

Now add this to the mix: You get caught up in porn. You know she'd be upset if she knew. Logically, you may tell yourself that it's not good to keep secrets, but very little in your makeup or history prepares and primes you to open up about this. You know it would hurt her to know. But perhaps even scarier: you know your stock would fall in her eyes. You'd go from the hero to the villian pretty quickly. And maybe you haven't even been the hero lately. It feels like you cannot afford to give yourself one more knock in her eyes.

You might consider telling her. You might decide to tell her. You might even plan it out. But as that dreaded time nears, all you can see are reasons not to. Thoughts of impending disaster bully your good intentions out of focus. And the worst part of the doom you imagine is your loss of esteem in her eyes.

So you do what you're good at doing, as a man. You suck it up and strap on your boots. You determine to take care of this on your own without burdening or disappointing her.

One problem is that porn is addictive and not an easy habit to kick. Another problem is that you're more vulnerable to the pull of a numbing escape like porn when you need emotional support but you feel disconnected and aren't getting support because you're trying to deal with something difficult on your own. The addictive nature of porn keeps drawing you to it and your isolation keeps pushing you to it and over time you get more and more stuck.

You put your need for her admiration ahead of her need for closeness with you, and look where it got you. In a twisted, demonic downward spiral, you are becoming less and less worthy of her admiration. Neither of you get to enjoy the lifeblood that would nourish your emotional vitality.

How you'll win her back by prioritizing her relationship needs: You'll realize that the bar of her admiration and approval is lower than you ever before suspected. You're not going to stop going to work every day, checking the oil in her car, or trying to be a good dad. That part of your relationship--taking care of her in practical ways--was never broken in the first place. (If it is in your marriage, that's another blog post for another time.) But when it comes to her emotional needs, you'll realize that she doesn't need you to perform as much as she needs you to draw close.

So when she gets mad and starts crying about pornography, you don't only use that as motivation to perform ("I'll go to more 12-step meetings and read more books"). You don't only defend your performance ("I swear I haven't even been tempted to look since you caught me"). Before you do those things--or perhaps instead--you walk closer, touch her in some way if she's open to it (but respect her need for distance if she's not), let her know that you see that she's upset, tell her that you want to hear more about what's going on inside her. Your goal is not to fix her feelings (remember, performance is your lifeblood, not hers) it's to be with her while she's feeling them. Feel them with her. Empathize with what she must be going through. Tell her that it's understandable she'd be hurting the way she is, given what she's going through. Let her know you're not going anywhere, that you'll stay and listen and feel with and just be with her, if that's what she wants and needs, for as long as she needs you close by.

Of course, at first she's going to vaccilate back and forth between wanting distance and closeness. But you can let her know you're available and then respond when she does want you close.

As you draw close and stay connected in the midst of her porn pain, you're training at high altitude. Later when her pain is over something else, you'll be better prepared to give her exactly what she needs.

Then you'll come home from work and she'll ask if you remembered to pick up the milk like she asked. When you see her blush and the fallen look on her face, you won't run back out to your truck and drive off to the store, resenting how easily she gets upset and cataloguing in your mind how much you do for her and how little she seems to appreciate it. You won't resent her for withdrawing her approval "over something so miniscule."

You won't do any of that because you'll realize that she's not trying to deprive you of your emotional lifeblood. She's just feeling deprived of hers. She spoke (about the milk) and when you forgot to pick it up she was afraid that perhaps what she says isn't always heard or taken seriously by you. She starts to worry that maybe she's not a priority.

And you can help her in the midst of the relationship need she's having right then. You'll walk right up close to her and touch her if she's open to it. You'll empathize, "Did I just blow that?" She'll start to cry and even she will be surprised at the strong emotions that flood her because of the forgotten milk. Of course, those strong feelings are not over the milk, they're over feeling unimportant or forgotten, and both of you will be starting to understand that. It's not nearly as much about your performance as it is about her need to feel connected to you.

You'll empathize. "Oh, Honey that really hit you hard, didn't it. You get wondering if I even listen to you. If what you say even matters to me. If you matter to me. I can understand why that feels so threatening to you. Come here." As she softens, perhaps sobs, you'll hold her tight. You won't say, "Don't cry" and you won't rush through this part of it because you'll know how important it is. You're so important to her that when something threatens her connection with you it feels unbearable. If anything is worthy of strong feelings and tears, it's the importance of your relationship. You'll be content to just have that time with her, both of you feeling the depth of how high the stakes are, how important each of you are to the other. You'll be letter her feel and letting yourself feel with her, feel for her, and it's no longer something you'll feel the need to rush through or run from.

When the time's right, not to fix her sadness but to share your real feelings, you'll pull back and look her in the eye and say something like, "You matter so much to me. It hurts me to see you feeling like you don't. I don't ever want you to feel that way. But I know sometimes you will and I accept that. Thanks for letting me know that you were."

As you consider this all now it may sound like you'll have to become a detective, expertly watching for every little clue that something deeper is going on so that you can figure out what it is. Well, guess what: there's always something deeper going on, but it's not rocket science. Your wife always has a need to feel like the two of you are together, a team. That you're involved in each others' lives, hearts, and minds. That you want to hear what's going on inside her and are willing to share what's going on inside you. If she's upset, 85% of the time it will be because she feels the threat of an unexpected, undesirable distance or disconnect. Assume that's what it is and empathize with her over that. Trust me, if you get it wrong now and then, she'll forgive you.

Some magical things will happen when your woman sees that you're putting her emotional needs first in this way. First, a deep level of trust is gradually restored. She comes to understand that your need for admiration will never get in the way of her need for connection. Or if it starts to, she trusts that you'll correct course once you realize what's happening. She knows on a deep level that if you struggle with porn, you'll be open about it. Why wouldn't you? There's been this fundamental shift in the very core dynamic that fed the secrecy!

Secondly, your acceptance of and shared immersion in her emotions help acclimate you to emotions in general. It will become easier to see and talk about your own. You'll more readily discuss what's going on inside and reach out to her for support when you're in need. And all of us, even men, have those times when we're in need emotionally. No longer will porn have such a potent pull in those moments of emotional vulnerability. You'll getting your emotional needs met, not just numbed.

Finally, and this one's the real treat, the cherry on top: you will have developed a new emotional lifeblood. You will treasure closeness with her. The emotional connection and openness you cherish will feed and enliven you in a way you've never experienced before. To be real with this woman who means the most to you, to have her be real with you, and have no barriers between the two of you... this intimacy in your relationship will awaken parts of your soul you didn't even know existed and escort your life into a new and rewarding dimension. And here's one of the coolest, most mind-blowing parts of the whole thing: when she looks at you then, even with all of your weaknesses and past mistakes, when she looks deep into your eyes with such openness and presence that all pretence and faking is impossible... and then you see a deeper sense of admiration and approval than you've ever seen before... you will realize at that moment that the initial seeming sacrifice of your own emotional needs is now returning to you a hundred fold.

That will be a great moment.

[I say that will be a great moment, but it may seem that, given how hard things are now, you will never get there. Don't let hopelessness defeat you! We specialize in helping individuals and couples through rough patches. Call me on my cell phone now (801-564-7566). I've started providing 20-30 minute phone consultations at no charge. You're not alone and you don't have to do it on your own. Wherever you are now, there is a path to a better life. Please trust me, it's true. Our conversation may lead me to recommend a therapist in your part of the country. Sometimes I pass along a fitting book or a helpful website. Some of the people who call end up reading one of my books or become clients at our clinic. Some just thank me for my time and encouragement. Regardless of where the conversation takes us, in all the years I've been doing this no one has ever said that they were sorry they made the call.]