In a Porn Rut?

At the end of our phone conversation, Gloria concluded that while her boyfriend, Robert, may not be addicted, he'd certainly fallen into a bad rut with porn. Here were the signs:

• Robert had sex with an inanimate object--his computer--more often than he had sex with Gloria, even though she was interested and available. In fact, the day before she called me, he'd viewed porn online two times. That was twice as much as they'd made love the entire week.
• Robert was becoming more and more irritable. He had sometimes displayed a temper in the past, but had typically been kind and thoughtful to Gloria, his friends, his sister, and their aging father. He seemed to be under a dark cloud.
• Robert's vitality had been waning. He was spending more time at an aspect of his business that paid the bills but did not challenge his mind or engage him. It required only that he show up, and so that's what he did--barely. He had let go of aspects of the business that made less money but gave him more satisfaction and engaged his mind.
• Robert still said all the right words--he told Gloria he loved her and couldn't live without her. But when she came home from work he often seemed distracted. When Gloria would go to find him in the house and try to connect, he seemed more vacant and aloof.
• Even one day when Gloria had called to let him know she was on her way home, she had walked in to find him shuffling into the next room with his laptop in hand and his elbows barely holding up his pants. This experience gave Gloria the distinct impression that looking at porn online had become a higher priority to Robert than she was. 

Gloria concluded that whether or not Robert was willing to continue the status quo, she was not. She confronted him about his behavior. She made the continuation of their relationship contingent on him getting out of his porn rut.

I hope Robert does whatever it takes to get out. From all I can tell, He and Gloria have so many of the other ingredients that make for a strong and secure relationship, if he'll subtract the porn. He may need some help along the way. From Gloria's description, it sounds as though he may be suffering from a clinically significant level of depression. I'm not sure whether his lack of energy and initiative came first and made him more vulnerable to the porn rut, or whether all the porn has drained his drive. Either way, it's not just his relationship that will get better--his entire life will start looking up once he's back out of the porn rut.

If you can relate to Robert or Gloria, I hope you'll decide right now that today is the day to start turning things around. Let him know how you feel. Tell her about your struggle. Working together you can make things different and better. And when you hit bumps along the way, that's what we're here for. My confidential cell phone number is 801-564-7566. We get calls from folks in your situation every day and we know how to help. It's our passion! If you've intended to call before but never quite gotten around to it, don't let another day pass. A rut is no place to stay when a better life--the life you deserve--is waiting for you on the other side.