Life Without a Shock Absorber can be Rough for Awhile

In a recent post, I wrote about the courageous path of dropping addiction as a shock absorber and tolerating the emotions that come with experiencing life on its own terms. Last week I saw these principles put into practice in real life by my client, Don. It took my breath away and left me in awe of his courage and commitment. I hope you find his efforts inspiring as well.

Don is approaching two years sober. As addictions go, his was a bad one. His job managing an assembly line has always been four days on, four days off, and on some of his days home alone he spent 8-10 hours online surfing porn.

In the past month Don has faced:

• Hearing his 14-year-old daughter call her step-father “Dad”
• Feeling “bludgeoned” by his ex-wife because he didn’t have enough money to cover all of his daughter’s volleyball fees
• Sensing his girlfriend Pam’s frustration over all of the difficulties (including some legal battles) with his ex
• Feeling left out of all the excitement over the birth of his 21-year-old daughter’s new baby, his first grandson
• Pressure from his boss to cut costs and become more efficient because their entire company has lost their old profit margin cushion

Even much milder stressors were known to drive Don to porn in the past. I asked him what it was like to face such immense difficulties without that narcotic. His face was flush as he described the emotional pain he’d been in. “There’s a dark cloud hanging over me. I’m waiting for my ex to hit me with some new demand or court filing. I’ve never felt so uneasy. My stomach cramps up. Even Pam’s getting overwhelmed as she tries to support me through all this. I feel like a bad dad, like I’ve failed my kids, and it feels terrible most of the time.”

I asked Don how he was making it without relapsing to porn.

“It helps that I created routines during better times that help keep me away from porn. I don’t spend nearly as much time online anymore. Covenant Eyes helps—both to filter content and also because I know Pam can monitor what I’m on. And I have X3 on my phone.”

Based on the heavy feeling I had just listening to him talk about everything, I got some sense of the agony Don was in. “In the midst of this all, somehow you’re managing to stay away from porn,” I marveled.

“If I were acting out, I’d be more numb to it all. Sometimes the rationalizations kick in: ‘Why not go find some porn? Why fight the urges? You’re not being intimate with Pam anyway because of all the stress.’ That would be nice on the one hand, momentarily at least. But I don’t need the guilt on top of how bad things already are. I want my relationship with Pam to work. I don’t want to let her down. Even if we weren’t together, that life’s just not for me anymore. That’s not the person I want to be. As hard as it is sometimes, I have to remember that real life is better than that vortex I used to be in.

After my session with Don was over, I shut the door of my office and a spontaneous prayer of gratitude poured out of my heart for the privilege of being an eyewitness to raw courage. Here’s a guy who has found in his recovery an amazing level of commitment and fidelity, not only to Pam, his partner, but to life itself. Spending time with men like Don fills me with a desire to be a better, braver man myself. I offer my heartfelt thanks to you, Don, and to the rest of you who are like him. We celebrate you and the better world you’re helping create by refusing to settle for anything but your best self!

Sex that Cultivates Attachment, Not Addiction

In my last post I highlighted Gary Wilson’s TED Talk, The Great Porn Experiment. Today I’ll share some other wonderful resources he and his wife, Marnia Robinson, have developed.

Their blog at "Psychology Today" is a  clearinghouse of information and science-based advice on sex and love. They propose an alternative to the myth that's common in our culture: that porn enhances desire and spices up a couple's sex life. The science they cite shows why the reverse is often true. That is, porn sometimes actually dampens the sex appeal of one's partner over time and impedes sexual performance. They show how bonding-oriented sex can strengthen relationship, and how much (and why) sex can improve a couple's sense of connection over time. I found their website years ago while researching the varying effects of dopamine and oxytocin. I'd seen the research on dopamine summarized elsewhere, but they shared such a vivid portrayal of this dopamine depletion research participant, I finally "got" how my addicted clients suffer when they're in the throes of withdrawal. I've found treasure after treasure at reuniting.info (Marnia's site), and I still haven't combed through everything there. Most impressive and inspiring to me have been the entries on their forum from individuals who are kicking the porn habit and finally tapping into the joy only accessible when monogamy is accompanied by mental monogamy.

Marnia's book, Cupid's Poisoned Arrow indicts our culture's pornified view of sex and reveals what's possible in a relationship when the focus of sex turns from orgasm to connecting. It's one of the books I recommend most frequently in my therapy practice. It gives couples an entirely new vision of how to truly love each other physically. As you read you'll think, "No wonder so many relationships fail! No wonder the divorce rate's so high! No wonder, even among couples who stay together, so many end up constantly bickering or cool and distant with each other.” Even if you don't implement fully the practice of Karezza, these books will radically alter the way you think and act between the sheets.

Life can be rough, but your primary relationship doesn't have to be. Amidst all of the other struggles in life, it should remain your refuge. If you don’t enjoy that kind of relationship yet, don’t fret it. Invest the time and energy. I promise: rethinking your time between the sheets can turn the most important relationship in your life into the most satisfying.

A Sexy Incentive to Abstain from Porn

Many of my clients have found porn to be addictive, but are trying to kick the habit because it violates their values and morals. They list as incentives for quiting things like "my wife will trust me more," "I'll be a better role model for my kids," and "I'll be in the driver's seat of my own life."

Unfortunately, when cravings get intense, their resolve to give up porn because it's the right thing to do softens. In the cold light of day porn porn seemed so wrong, but in weaker moments it feels so right.

I've been impressed by the reinforcement these folks can gain from an entirely different avenue of incentive. For many, the facts about what porn can do to their sexual vitality seem to be just the additional weight needed in such moments to tip the scales and avoid relapse. And it makes sense: since there are times when sex becomes more salient, why not consider data that carries weight with the desire-driven brain instead of relying solely on moral reasons for abstaining from porn?

This TED Talk by Gary Wilson, "The Great Porn Experiment," is a relatively new resource that examines the effects of internet porn on consumers. (Erectile Dysfunction in young, otherwise healthy men is the most striking one, but the breadth and depth of distressing side-effects will amaze you.) He adds credence to his case by showing how abstaining from porn ameliorates these symptoms. Gary is an engaging teacher. The slide show that illustrates his talk drives home his points superbly. Although he has lots of fun with the topic, his big heart shines through and his deep care for men stuck in a porn rut is unmistakable. He provides just the advice and hopeful future vision they need. Viewed half a million times already, his talk has become an invaluable resource for puzzled porn gluttons and their lovers throughout the world.