Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Get the Right Help

[Photo credit:]

When things are at their worst, it really pays to get help--the right help! In her extremely helpful blog about dealing with her husband Brandon's lust addiction as a couple, Jaylynn Bryson talks about what a difference it made for them. She was feeling devastated and angry when Brandon admitted more recent involvement in porn than he had acknowledged before. Fortunately, they had a wise adviser, Her brother in Law, Landon, who has a master's degree in social work. In this post on her blog, she shares the wisdom he shared with them. With her permission, I'm excited to pass along three of those lessons:

1. This is an addiction of relapses. We began to understand that Brandon kept relapsing because he truly had an addiction--not just a little problem or a bad habit.

2. If Brandon really wanted to recover, then recovery had to be his #1 priority each and every day. Overcoming would require no less. The people who attend addiction recovery programs and have been sober for 30 years are asked why they attend the programs when they've been sober for so long. The answer is: The very reason they are sober is because they are attending those programs week after week, year after year. And so we realized that this is a battle that we must face every day. It isn't going away any time soon. My husband will not just get over it and be "normal" again. Our lives would need to look and be very different. We would now have a new normal, and it would include fighting relentlessly.

3. Landon told my husband that I needed to know how his recovery was going, and that I deserved to know as his wife. He explained that when I have to always wonder how my husband is doing, it is very stressful. Also, when I have to ask how Brandon is doing all of the time, it makes me feel like his mother and it makes Brandon feel nagged and controlled. It would be important for Brandon to regularly be accountable to me and tell me how he was doing. Later, when I learned about boundaries... I made a boundary that I deserve to know how my husband is doing and so I would like nightly disclosure of his feelings and what he has done towards recovery that day. I can say that for 7 months my husband has told me his feelings every single night, with the exception of two nights in the beginning. As a consequence, he left our room and slept elsewhere per my boundary and he learned that I was serious. He now tells me what recovery work he did each day. Sometimes it is a lot, other times it is listening to a conference talk on the way home from work. He tells me how he feels about his recovery. He shares with me his stresses and his victories (learning how to connect emotionally and develop healthy coping strategies in dealing with stress). If I am gone or at work, my boundary doesn't go away. He calls me or texts me. This has been such a blessing to our marriage that I think I'll keep that boundary forever!

You deserve to receive support and wisdom from someone the way Jaylynn and Brandon did from Landon. If you haven't gotten the right help yet, I encourage you to consider reaching out today. 

1 comment:

  1. what about respect - my husband demands respect from me and the children but I dont know how to show it - I was so angry at him for nitpicking me and putting me down that I blew up and said stop telling me how to do things when you got fired from your job by not following the rules - he seems to think his way is better and has been fired multiple times - I love him and tiptoe around his anger and I don't even know where or how to respect him...