Monogamy can too easily become monotony. How do you keep a relationship vibrant and exciting when it will naturally tend to stagnate over time?
We must keep growing individually and as a couple, and that takes a lot of courage. As I evolve and grow, instead of remaining stuck and static, I naturally become more interesting again. If my wife is willing to keep her finger on the pulse of my soul she will keep discovering and rediscovering who I am. Meanwhile, she's becoming a new person in various ways all the time. She continues to get in tune with herself and sharing with me what she discovers. Sort of like a website that keeps refreshing with new and potentially surprising content. If I keep my eyes open and maintain an appetite for freshness and a spirit of discovery, I won't get bored with her.
As we stay in touch with our partner's palpitating, living soul--or perhaps more accurately, as we regularly get back in touch after naturally falling out of touch--our sense of awe and reverence keeps reawakening. Nothing can make our bond stronger or keep sexual interest alive in quite the same way. It was relatively easy to become her lover. What we're talking about here is becoming her intimate.
Although the trail we must take as a husband to go from being our wife's lover to being her intimate will never be an easy one, the difficulty of the trail is not the primary reason most men get stuck at various points along the way and never make it to that most magnificent of destinations. Rather, the biggest roadblock for most willing, yet unable men is this: the treasure map they're using as their guide is incomplete. Due to having an incomplete map, when they get to the key parts of the journey that feel disorienting and "all wrong", when it seems like, "being her intimate could surely never be just over that horizon, they assume they're in the wrong place and turn back! They miss the opportunity to deepen their relationship. With their efforts to make her happy and get closer confounded, they end up feeling frustrated, confused, disappointed.
If these failures happen frequently enough or over a long enough period in the relationship, men can become disillusioned and hopeless. They may even end up giving up. Which is so sad, because it's completely avoidable!
So we intend to show you how to do just that: avoid or overcome being repeatedly frustrated and discouraged and tempted to give up so that you can regularly get back on the journey of doing the things that will help the two of you feel connected and interested and interesting, the things will make your wife happy and your relationship thrive. We're going to give you the treasure map that better matches the terrain you need to traverse to become her intimate. And as you can imagine, this will also make you the happiest man on earth. With a treasure map more complete than the one you've been relying on, all you'll need to bring to complete the journey is your creativity to personalize what you learn to your unique wife and situation, the courage to keep doing what works to get closer even when it seems like the opposite of what you should do, and the endurance to keep going when inner and outer forces pull at you to quit or take an easier path. What we will lay out is certainly not an easy trail, but at least you can know when you hit the hard parts along the way that it's the right one, the one to the summit of being her intimate.
Rather than being mysterious or approaching this discussion in a roundabout, abstruse way, let's get right to revealing the gist of the treasure map. Here are the key markers and milestones you'll see on your way to becoming her intimate:
First Horizon: You become her acquaintance
Second Horizon: You become her friend
Third Horizon: You become her lover
Fourth Horizon: You become her best friend
Third Horizon: You become her disappointment, challenging her in some crucial way
Fourth Horizon: You be more deeply acquainted as a couple
Fifth Horizon: You have a deeper friendship as a couple
Sixth Horizon: You have deeper passion as lovers
Seventh Horizon: You share a deeper bond as best friends
Eighth Horizon: You disappoint her at an even deeper level
And so on...
As you stay close and real (honest and open) with her even when she's disappointed, you will continue to become acquainted with her (and she with you) at new and deeper levels over time. And then she'll become more and more profoundly happy and contented with you and the bond you share. And instead of being exasperated that you can't "keep" her happy or that she won't "stay" contented, you'll be well on your way to true intimacy.
Of course, along the way she disappoints and challenges you in crucial, relationship-threatening ways as well. You both need the guts and maturity to deal with these threats in constructive ways.
To help you better recognize when you're at key points on the trail, in a future post we'll explore this process in action for a real couple. David and Brittany certainly meandered and backtracked and set up tents and lived for years at certain base camps when they couldn't see beyond particular horizons. But you'll see how they kept coming back to each other and being real with each other and tolerating hard realities and disappointments on their way to becoming truly, deeply connected. They would be the first to admit that they're not yet at the summit of consistent, solid intimacy. But they've seen enough grand vistas along the way that they are determined to do whatever it takes to keep climbing that trail. That's making all the difference for them, and it can for you, too.