Our highly skilled hunting brain is going to be on the lookout one way or another. We can let it continue to be on the lookout for ways to look at porn and the kind of porn that will thrill us the most. Or we can put it on the lookout for little details about the people we care about. Then we can plant those details like seeds in our heart so that they can bear fruit later.
I was reminded this weekend of the joy that can come from leveraging our hunting brain in this better way.
At church every week I teach a class of 11-year-olds about the Bible. My friend Tyson is now my co-teacher and this Sunday was his first day meeting some of the kids. Each week before we launch into the lesson we chat for a few minutes. They've just spent 70 minutes sitting in the pews with their parents for the combined worship service, and it's nice to let down our hair for awhile and laugh and banter and hear about their week. Throughout the year I've learned a bit about their personalities, families, hobbies, and interests. Because I don't have the best memory, I jot down notes to myself about what I learn next to each child's name on a 3x5 card.
On Sunday for Tyson's first day with the entire group of nine students, I put together a quiz for him about the kids. On one side of the chalkboard I listed all their names, and on the other side I listed in random order something unique about each one of the kids. The list included things like, "talks in sleep, is double jointed, good swimmer, takes karate, loves pie, plays torchlight 2 video game, plays soccer, has diabetes, Percy Jackson fan." I revealed this second list one item at a time to Tyson and the class to give Tyson a chance to guess which child went with each identifying item. Before I revealed the first item on the list I told the class, "Whatever you do, keep a straight face if when your item is revealed. We don't want him to be able to tell it's you by the look on your face!"
Despite that caution, I could see each child's eyes widen a bit or their smile beam a bit brighter when they saw that I had remembered something special about them.
I've never seen the class so engaged as they were during the game and the following lesson. When our lesson was over and we moved on to another room in the church for singing time, one class member who is living with his aunt and uncle because his parents aren't able to raise him turned to me, nodded his head and said, "That was amazing. How did he know I'm a swimmer?" Another young man in the class, when he saw where I was sitting, came back two rows from where he initially sat down, plopped himself in the empty seat right by my side, and looked up at me with a warm smile.
When people know we love them and are interested in getting to know them, they seem to open right up. When they then see that we take seriously what they reveal to us, the connection is deepened even further. When we show later that we've been treating little clues about them as important enough to hold and recall, it melts their hearts and attaches them to us for good. Of course we enjoy the whole thing, too. The combination of feeling loving and loved is a special high we're motivated to seek even more of. Although it took more patience and work than the high of porn would have, its effects are more enriching and generative.
Today and for the rest of this week, continue your efforts to hunt for clues in the lives of those you care about--or even casual acquaintances for that matter. Clues about who they are deep down and what matters to them. Then hold those in your heart and look for opportunities to bring them out again later. And of course, please let us know how it goes.
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