Thursday, May 31, 2012

Believe It or Not, It's YOU She Needs

Once she discovered your porn habit, all @#!*% broke loose. The explosions keep coming, and the smoke hasn't cleared since.

As men we hear, "I HATE the fact that you've been looking at PORN!" We feel ashamed of hurting her. It makes us want to pull away.

Don't pull away! Stay nearby and keep listening intently. Over time you'll realize what she's actually saying and feeling. It's not, "I hate porn and I hate you." It's probably more like the following:

"My world has been rocked. I let down my guard and trusted you fully. I felt safe with you. Especially when we were being intimate. I was becoming more and more sexually free with you. I gave myself completely, held nothing back. You were my one and only. Now I discover that you regularly fantasize about other women. What?! You lust over their bodies and imagine being sexual with them. Ugh. Yuck! How foolish I was to be so open and trusting! You kept it all from me to protect yourself. I didn't give me the option of complaining or trying to stop it. You left me completely vulnerable and in the dark about this very personal thing in your life--this thing that deeply affects our lives together and our relationship. You deceived me and let me believe things were different. And I did believe you! I believed in you more than almost anything else in my life. If I can't trust you, what can I trust? If what I thought we had isn't real, what is real? My foundation has crumbled to dust. I don't even know if I can trust my own decisions and instincts. Everything's shaky and unsure. You were supposed to be my rock. Now I'm on my own. I've lost you--at least the you I thought I knew and trusted. And my body--don't even get me started about my body! I can't even look in the mirror anymore without waves of doubts crashing over me. It's not right for me to be going through this. A relationship shouldn't feel this way. How could you do this to me?!"

Don't let yourself get chased away by the heat of her anger. She needs you now more than ever! Only you can walk into the fire, stay there with her, and eventually save her from the flames. Stay close as she works through all these feelings and you'll help her get back on solid emotional ground again. It all starts when you have the courage not to pull away.

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