Greta said, "Stan's been telling me every time he has a pornography relapse, but his rate of lapsing has been the same for a months now. Honesty and openness with me doesn't seem to be helping him kick the habit."
This is one of the most frequent complaints I hear from visitors to this blog and from the women who come up and talk to me after I give a presentation on pornography addiction.
There was still a missing piece in Stan's recovery. He was open about viewing pornography after the fact. That was a great foundation for the work he needed to do next. Stan needed to become more aware of what set him up to relapse, and be more open about it with Greta. For many men, this becomes the heart of their ongoing recovery.
What's Eating At Me?
Most of the time Stan went along doing fine. Sexual temptation didn't even faze him. I encouraged Stan to watch for those times when sex suddenly became supercharged. "Cravings for our addiction are like a divining rod," I said. "They tell us there's something else important going on. Take inventory of what's happening in your life. What have you been going through? Most importantly, how are you feeling about it?"
It didn't take long for Stan to put this idea into practice. He got online to do some homework for his business class during his lunch hour at work. At the bottom of the webpage about a silicon valley company he was researching, there was a link that was mildly sexually provocative. "I felt the pull to click. I tried to dismiss the impulse and move on. But then I was reading a different news feed about the same company on another site, and again I felt lured by a thumbnail of some scantily dressed celebrity. It was frustrating because I'd been doing well for a couple of weeks. I shut down the computer and called Greta. I told her that I was following your suggestion to call when I was struggling. She reminded me that I was supposed to not just open up about temptation, but also spill my guts about what else was going on at the time.
"I told her, 'Homework is a real drag. Here I am eating my peanut butter sandwich so that I can study the entire hour. A couple of guys brought back Mexican takeout, which I can smell from my cubicle. I get feeling pent up in this place when I don't leave at all during my entire shift. And what do I have to look forward to when I get off tonight? Instead of going golfing with you, I get to go sit under the fluorescent lights in the old business school building and listen to a lecture. I want to keep working toward graduating, but do get feeling sorry for myself sometimes in the middle of the sacrifices we're making now."
Greta's was sympathetic. "Oh, honey. I'd rather go golfing with you tonight, too." Both of them were quiet for a moment, but Stan could tell that she was letting her heart go out to him. "Thanks for talking to me about what's going on inside for you," Greta finally said.
"Sure you won't get sick of hearing my sob story?" Stan asked?
"Hey I want to be in this together with you. I feel closer to you when I know what's eating at you. I want you to let me in like that."
Vulnerability Is Harder, But Works Better than Porn
When they told me about their conversation that day, I knew they had launched into a new stage of recovery.
Stan and Greta's transition into openness about emotion had come fairly easily; it's much more difficult for some couples. It's quite an adjustment to develop the habit. It's hard to let out what's eating at us and making us more vulnerable to unwanted urges. However, often, nothing else will help us reset and get back to feeling mentally free. To purge the urge, we first need to spill our guts.
Strong emotion puts us in a regressed state of mind. It's uncomfortable and we want a way out. Outwardly, we may try to--and even appear to--move on with our lives, but our feelings can stay stuck on yuck. We still need a release. This is when the addictive sexual behavior we've been trying to avoid can start to seem so attractive again. Our brain knows it would provide a quick escape from the muck when more reasonable alternatives just don't seem to hit the spot. The other things we try don't give us any traction out of the regressed, vulnerable state into which we've dropped.
Pouring out our heart, expressing vulnerable emotions, is a response that respects and matches the state we're in. More so than trying to snap out of it or distract ourselves by doing something that feels good. Spilling our guts may seem like whining and it may seem immature, but that's just because our vulnerable state calls for the same kind of soothing young children need. We freely give that TLC to them, but we hesitate to seek it as adults or give it to each other. But guess what? We never grow out of our need for empathy, compassion, and understanding. When we feel bad, when we're downhearted, when our spirits are dampened, we need tenderness and caring. As appealing as porn can be at such times, it offers nothing more than momentary distraction.
Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net (http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125)
No comments:
Post a Comment