Sometime during our knight's courageous daily battle, a poisoned dart finds its way between the gaps in his armor. The paralyzing serum gets into his bloodstream--but fortunately doesn't kill him. By the time he arrives back at the castle, he's a shell of his usual self.
Here's the bind about being a heroic warrior: He can't walk in and say, "Help! I'm wounded!" Instead, he stumbles around and does his best to get the horse settled in the stable and bathe the little prince and princess. He listens politely as the countess talks about her day. But he doesn't really hear her. He's squinting and clenching his teeth over his own wound. He doesn't show her his growing blister or tell her his left side has gone numb.
It's just as painful to witness the emotional equivalent of the above scene among men in the throes of addiction. And it's beautiful to watch them develop true, deep, relationship courage, the kind that allows them to come home at the end of a hard day and cry out, "Help! I'm wounded!"
As Lyle was trimming a huge oak tree, one of the falling branches tore down a rain gutter and damaged the eave of a nearby house. For the rest of the day, one of the more experienced guys on the crew teased him relentlessly about his mistake. Then when they got back to the office, he razzed Lyle in front of their boss and the biggest gossip in the city offices. Lyle felt humiliated and angry.
Three months ago, he would have tried to just keep going as the poison serum coursed through his bloodstream. He wouldn't have talked to anyone about what he was feeling.
That night, he would have stayed up late listening to heavy metal music, eventually turned on the TV, and eventually found something salacious on cable to distract him from how crappy he felt inside. Then, the next day, he would have felt even worse about himself.
This time, instead, he took one of his more understanding coworkers aside later that afternoon. He mostly let out a string of profanities, but at least he was talking. "I haven't used that kind of language in years." Something about the whole #@!&$ department he works for. When he talked about the tree branch and the damage, his friend responded, "Everyone does that kind of stuff now and then."
When he got home, he didn't exactly cry out, "Help! I'm wounded!" He just let his wife, Katie, know it had been a hard day. He let all of his frustration and shame and feelings of inadequacy spill out. "...and then, to top it off, a woman in payroll got on my case about how I had reported my hours. She must have seen that I was totally shut down because she started backpedaling. She said, 'I'm not trying to be mean to you, I'm just telling you so that you avoid it in the future.' Inside it felt like, I have one more enemy I have to watch out for in this place..."
Talking with Katie didn't suddenly help Lyle feel all better. But these days he's staying sober despite the kind of emotional poisoned darts that used to send him back to his old ways. He's reaching out instead of acting out. He's dosing up on oxytocin instead of dopamine, and that's helping to clear the stress hormones out of his system. He's bonding with his wife instead of becoming more hooked on smut. It's a better life for our hero.
I have a question. I have been married to my husband for 6 years and have known about his pornography addiction for 9. We (I) have been through all the emotions, both good and bad, that come with pornography addiction. We are in a good place emotionally in our marriage right now. He is open and honest with me. He tells me when things are hard and when he is having temptaions as well as when he gives in - this has always been the case in our relationship. We are always in a dialogue about his addiction. I hear him - and am supportive. Here is my question... is there something to be said for hitting rock bottom? I am starting to feel that my constant supportive attitude is starting to enable him. Like he has no tangible consequences to his actions. He refuses to go to therapy and hasn't seen a bishop in 10 years (when he was 16). In cases of addiction does an addict need to hit rock bottom - see the fear of losing everything - to decide he will do anything for recovery?
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you asked Hannah. You're wondering whether hitting rock bottom might help him really GET that he needs to do more--whatever it takes!--to heal and quit relapsing. I suspect that even signs of progress would be preferable to more of the stagnation that seems to be lingering. It sounds like you're willing to be there for him in his recovery... but have started to wonder whether he's really in recovery or just in a comfort zone.
ReplyDeleteHitting rock bottom might indeed have that effect. There may also be another way--not necessarily better, just different. You're question was so sincere and there's so much feeling behind it... have you opened up to him about your inner struggle?
I can imagine how that conversation might go: "I love you. You mean so much to me that I've been willing to do whatever it takes to try to help. Your struggle with porn is part of your life and since I'm all the way in the marriage it's become part of my life...
"But my heart hurts when I start to think that I might not be helping. I doubt my approach of not making a big stink over your lapses. I wonder if you'd be more motivated if you were more afraid of losing me. Do I mean enough to you that you would then consider going to therapy? Going in and talking to our bishop?
"I care so much about you. I want to know that you care about me enough that you'll do more--everything needed--to make more progress on this issue that's erodes and pollutes what we share and are trying to build together."
Thank you for your response. What you said at the beginning really hit the nail at the head - I wonder if he is in recovery or in a comfort zone - I never thought about it that way. I do know that I am all in - I do know that he is not. He thinks he is as "all in" as he can be... or should be.
ReplyDeleteWe have had that EXACT conversation that you stated above. He immediately gets very upset and defensive. He says this is HIS problem and HIS addiction and he will deal with it and that he is more upset and disappointed in himself than I could ever be. Then he stops talking to me.
To be honest I feel like I cast myself in a role he has yet asked me to play. When we lived in Provo I spoke with Kirk Dougher (a therapist at BYU) - he really showed me how to be a supportive wife - I have been that wife ever since - but I am starting to realize that he has never been ready for me to be that supportive wife. I am not ready to give an ultimatum - but sometimes is that the only way?
Hannah, your dilemma is so important--and common--that I've decided to answer it in a general post. See today's entry, "My Husband Gets Mad and Won’t Talk When I Bring Up Porn”
ReplyDelete