Getting Back to Magnetic Sex

Most couples remember a time when sex drew them together, made them want to cling hungrily to each other. Making love magnetized them, and so magnetized, they wanted even more sex.

Oh, to spin 'round again in that happy circle!

Is it still possible? Or does monogamy inevitably foster monotony? It sure seems to for many couples. In a response to my article on Corey Allan's Simple Marriage blog, a reader I’ll call Josh wrote:

“My personal weakness is for watching strip teases.... What I find thrilling is seeing a beautiful woman with a great body who is proudly, happily, and excitedly stripping her clothes off for her special viewer. I’m turned on to her excitement and willingness to share her sexiness.

“My wife suffers from very low self-esteem. She thinks her body is ugly, and the thought of doing a strip tease for me terrifies her. I’ll agree, she doesn’t have a model body. But I believe that if she had that confidence, she would be very sexy to me. She used to be addicted to pornography to dull the pain in her very unfortunate teenage life, so she knows the ‘standard of sexiness.’ She won’t allow herself to believe she’s sexy, therefore, until she has a supermodel body. Personally, I get very discouraged because I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. One reason I go to pornography is because I have a need to feel deeply attracted to a woman, and though I love my wife and she’s my best friend, her insecurities prevent her from being deeply attractive to me.

“I am drawn to pornography because I want to feel that thrilling attraction to a young woman. I fantasize that she is my mate, and that she is willing to give me that sexual excitement over and over again because she loves me. However, when my wife finds out about this situation, she is very hurt. She feels that she has been replaced, and becomes frightened that she will be tossed aside and abandoned, confirming that she is worthless. It’s a lose-lose situation.

“Watching pornography also lowers my self-esteem. It makes me feel like an animal. When I’ve been watching it often, I undress women I pass in the street in my mind, then evaluate them based on their sexual excitement potential. I generally tend to have far more passionate sex and more intense orgasms, but that’s because when I’m making love with my wife in the dark, fantasies of making love to the women I saw on the screen send my imagination into overload. Then, I am left feeling depressed that all of those beautiful women are not my mates, that my mate is really not that sexually attractive at all.

“While watching pornography is extremely exciting and a motivating factor pushing my wife to be a sexy partner, I also feel guilt about watching it, it leads me to be dishonest with my wife and my employer, and makes me feel disappointed in my wife and feel regret for marrying her. It also makes me critical of her, which pushes her in the opposite direction of healing from this problem. I am therefore doing everything I can to eliminate pornography by attending a weekly addiction recovery group with other men who have lost their wives and children because of it.

“But that alone is not the answer. I am desperate to figure out what can be done that will help my wife gain the confidence and the emotional security to feel that she can open up with me sexually and be a really fun and enticing sexual partner.”

Josh and Kaitlin are in a downward spiral. Their problem is shared by many couples.

Our sexual sensibilities have been so swayed by pornography, we’re now more focused than ever on appearance and performance. Our porn-saturated minds have been backed into a corner of consciousness during sex. Heightened awareness loops back and forth between the brain and the genitals, what we’re seeing and how we’re doing, but rarely ventures anywhere else. Outside stimulants (pornography or even another human being) are there to be "consumed" as "input" by the brain in order to have the desired effect on the genitals, which hopefully then has the desired effect on the dopamine circuits of the brain, and so on. Our partner becomes little more than "the other body" rattling around within an otherwise vacuous energy system.

To be emotionally on our own during lovemaking is particularly lonely. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not suggesting that it disconnects a couple when one partner gets lost in the depths of delight at the cusp of orgasm. Neither does stimulating one's own genitals during sex. Rather, the human connection is hindered rather than strengthened when a porn-saturated partner is routinely "out of it" during sex, "lost in their own world," allowing their interest in their own stimulation or performance to eclipse this living, breathing human being who would like to connect with them. Sex, which can so potently attach us to our beloved and electrify the relationship becomes just another mood altering drug. Being another person’s fix can feel pretty empty.

A more deeply personal, emotionally engaged sex life is one of the best reasons to give up porn and one of the greatest rewards for doing so, but it requires a new approach. It's a challenge to practice relationship-oriented sex when auto-eroticism has been the familiar path of least resistance.

Here’s how I responded to Josh:

“To enhance the likelihood that sex will connect rather than detach the two of you as partners, pay attention to the loop of energy and communication that flows back and forth as you express and receive physical affection from Kaitlin.

“As the two of you begin to come together physically, focus on what you feel in your heart when you attend to her. Then, let the touch of your hand on her shoulder blade, the press of of your hips against hers, express that energy. Look into her eyes to see what’s in her heart. Are the signals you’re sending by way of your touch making it all the way down into her soul?

“Perhaps not yet. That’s okay, keep trying. Use your voice. Might your words and your mmm’s and aaahh’s pierce through the fog of separateness and reestablish that precious soul-to-soul link? By way of your voice, convey your feelings. Messages so sent need not stop at the ears or the brain. Let them reverberate more deeply.

“Skin and lips and tongue and even genitals may be the concrete means of communication, but the messages are being sent spirit to spirit.

“Let yourself receive her words, her touch in the same manner. Making love in this way awakens entirely new possibilities and vitality. You’ll rise above the stimulant/brain/genital loop that has isolated you from ‘refreshing’ input from Kaitlin, this real, live, warm, breathing, human other.

“The focus turns from appearance and performance to mindful attunement to what’s real now–two individuals and a dynamic mix of feelings, sights, sound, textures, and smells. Lovemaking as a vehicle to connect soul-to-soul and mingle your very essence with hers brings a new level of excitement and immediacy. Porn, sex toys, and your wildest fantasies can’t hold a candle to what emotional connection does for sex.

“As the two of you are becoming intimate, what if Kaitlin expresses hesitation and self-doubt? Ask her to give you the gift of staying in touch with what is genuinely passing between the two of you instead of reverting to what she thought she saw in the mirror earlier in the day or the sexual trauma that occurred back when she was single. Keep your mind on her when it’s used to wandering to the strip teasing mental mistresses. You may keep the light on so that you can look deep into her eyes in hopes that she will see that you don’t want the dissatisfaction of mutual disconnection anymore. Express your willingness in this way to really be with her here and now.

“Here is another human being giving you the gift of her attention. If she feels insecure and her eyes downcast, she is being emotionally real with you in that moment. Don’t regret that, be with her there, in that feeling. Let it into your heart. Then let your heart respond to that and convey that response by way of touching her cheek, looking at her, embracing her, vocalizing words and soothing sounds. It may be compassion you’re conveying, but also a different view: an appreciation and a hope that she will allow in the esteem you hold for her and your desire for her (and no other woman) to come out from behind her shield and play with you sexually, fully share herself with you. It will require sacrifice to truly be with each other in this way, but what each of you gain will be well worth what you’ll be giving up.”

Because of the discouragement he had expressed, I assumed that Josh and Kaitlin might have a way to go to get to what I was describing. Imagine how delighted was to get this response from him the very next day:

“Thank you very much for the advice. I spent a good while thinking about this, and realized that although we have had erotic lovemaking before, we are not initiating it now. I talked to Kaitlin about this, and we both realized that my fears of being sexually disappointed and frustrated and her fears of being a disappointment were preventing us from initiating erotic lovemaking. We discussed what it took for us. Talking, snuggling, and then stripping is what we came up with. Then, we decided that we would set up specific days of the week to do it, so that with experience our fears will subside and our ability to let go and connect will get stronger. I also believe it will lead us to have a less stressful approach to life as well!

“Thank you for your post. Connecting with her emotionally is something we’ve had difficulty doing, in bed and out, but we found something that really helps. 6 months ago we heard about and tried Harville Hendix’s Imago Dialogue, and it has revolutionized our communication. It used to be our conversations were riddled with fear and pain, but after the dialogue, we’ve both been able to calm our fears and communicate clearly and listen with a open heart and willing mind. I highly recommend it, even though it seems weird at first. I’ve also been encouraging Kaitlin to calm down and ‘feel’ instead of stressing out about ‘performing’ for me. Connecting emotionally as you mentioned is definitely something I will be thinking about.”

Has your lovemaking has become routine? Do you feel cut off from your partner? Get back to heart-to-heart sex. Let us know what you learn in the process.


Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Only You can Ground Her Emotionally

On page 31-32 of our book, Geoff tells the story of Teri, who uses the word "gruesome" to describe her life with Ken since she found out about his involvement in pornography. Ken could have easily reacted defensively--"Life with you hasn't exactly been a picnic, either!"--which would have left her feeling misunderstood. If he hadn't been her "ground wire," letting her pain pass through him at that time, it would have continued to build for her. She may have felt the need to use even stronger language the next time she was hurting. 

Instead of defending himself or attacking Teri, Ken asked her to tell him more about what the word gruesome captured in her experience. He asked her to let him in on just how much she'd been hurting. She talked those feelings out, and as a result she felt more understood by him and safer with him. As a result of conversations like that one, over time her feelings toward Ken had been softening rather than heightening.

Since then Ken has kept trying to listen to Teri when she's upset instead of pulling away from her. Her anger has continued to transform over time. Recently Ken sent this email to Geoff:

"Teri has been so close and we've both felt very connected. She has not had an anger episode for 51 days. What a wonderful milestone! Yesterday was the first time and it was really not an episode. It was so much better. We sat and talked about what she was going through. She did not pull away and get depressed, laying in bed. She was not quiet and did not reject my offers to be there to listen.  We were able to talk.

"She said that watching my progress toward re-baptism into our church is bringing up all the old feelings in her. She's reminded that it's because of my betrayal that we even have to be going through this in the first place. She told me how hard that is for her. I responded that it is hard for me as well. She said, 'I hate it when you say that! Why do you say that?' Just because I was having a hard time, too, I said.

"She said, (mind you I understand that this is the anger talking) that she did not want to go to the baptism. I said, I can certainly understand why you would not want to. We sat there for a while and did not say anything. I just kept rubbing her back. After several minutes she asked what I was thinking. I had just finished reading Love You, Hate the Porn, so I said, 'I'm thinking about how glad I am that we are here together sharing the pain, and that we are not alone.' She said 'we are not sharing the pain, we are just talking. It doesn’t help the pain.' I said that it may not seem to help right away, but for me it does make a difference later. It drifts away so much faster when I've shared it instead of keeping it inside. She just listened and said 'hmm.'

"After a while she said she was angry. I told her I was sorry she was. She said she hated it when I said that. She hates it because, although she knows I mean it, I have said it so many times. (The funny thing is she always tells me an hour, a day, a few days later that it did help.) I know at the moment she is in angry mode and doesn't really want anything to help. In fact she told me 'I want to be angry.'  I just said 'That's okay. I'll be here with you while you are angry.' 

"She instructed me as to which spot her back needed rubbing. She asked why I wasn't getting angry back at her anymore if this topic is still hard for me. I told her that, having gone through 34 years of internal struggle, I was sick of feeling that way inside. I know for me the anger just festers and takes me to false beliefs and places that I don’t want to be anymore, so now I follow my exit plan of the things to think of to get out of that place. If I were to try to figure it out how to handle my anger in the moment, it would take much longer to get out. I would be like a general trying to make an exit plan in the midst of being defeated. I told her that this works for me, but it's okay for her to be angry if she wants to. She said, 'who would want to stay angry?' There was a slight, 'c’mon that is silly,' in her tone, a disconnect from her statement from a few minutes ago that she wanted to stay angry. I said 'You're right, no one would.'

"The trust is still building. At one point in our conversation she talked about sharing her story again in group therapy. It brought back up a lot of scared feelings for her. Virtually all of the ladies in her group are on the verge of divorce. She asked why I was such the exception. All of the other guys seem to be relapsing and struggling with the addiction still. Why are you the only guy out there that is not relapsing.  After a bit she said, 'You have all become master liars. You could be lying to me right now. How am I supposed to know that you are not lying to me?' 

"It was so peaceful to not get defensive, to not have feelings of fear or feel unappreciated for all the work I have done. I knew she just needed reassurance and to feel safe again after her discussion with the women in her group group rocked that. I just said to her, 'There is no way of you knowing. I know it's hard to trust me. I did lie and hid and you're right, I could be lying now. I'm not, and all you can do is look at my behavior and the things I'm doing that are different than what I used to do. I do my daily plan of action and you see the way I interact with you and the kids now compared to the way I used to. Those little things would change if I were acting out again. She said a soft 'Uh, huh' in agreement, as I was instructed once again to rub her shoulder. 

"She now told me to rub her hip that had been sore. We lay there on the bed with each other until we had to get the kids ready for school and I had to get ready for work. When I left we had a long embrace.  There were no words said other than 'I love you' from both of us, but there was an understanding that we are okay together. What I heard in that embrace was 'Thanks for being there for me and allowing me to feel and share. The pain is better.'  We kissed and the next time we saw each other there were smiles, love, safety and security in our relationship. 

"The big difference for me at this stage in recovery is the positive feeling I have about this experience. I see these discussions as extremely valuable and productive instead of something to be avoided at all costs. Sure she has difficult emotions, but the point is: she expresses them to me. She wants me to touch her and soothe her. She wants me to stay right by her and be with her. She may say some things that sound contrary to that, but I know to look under the conversation, which is by far more important. I know not to react from the hip at a statement. I understand that decades down the road I will still have to offer safety and security to her, and as I show patience and love she will respond in kind. In this way our bond will become stronger and stronger and our connection will be eternal."

When Geoff sent me this update from Ken, he said, "What a blessing to be involved in this great work." I couldn't agree more. Wow. When I witness the heroic efforts of couples like Ken and Teri, I'm blown me away. What a privilege to see love conquer pain and connection defeat separation. If that hasn't happened for you yet, don't give up! You'll get there, and the victory will be even sweeter for all the pain you've suffered in battles along the way.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

(http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125)

Mentally Practice Your Way Out of Craving

When I worked at a preschool for autistic children, we went through a peculiar routine every time one of them failed to follow directions. 

"Kevin, it's time to clean up." Little Kevin was oblivious. "Kevin, please put your toy away." He kept playing with the truck. "Kevin, you need to put your toy away." No response. 

Now it was my job to walk over and guide little Kevin's body through the motions of cleaning up. "Kevin, it's time to clean up." Placing my hand over his, I'd guide his hand down and help him pick up the toy truck with it. I would them walk him over to the toy bin and help him drop the truck in. There you go Kevin. That's the way we clean up. 

With that, we would have been done--if I'd had my way. 

But I wasn't in charge. I was following a treatment program. So instead of getting on with the reading activity that was next on the schedule, I'd pick up the little truck, walk Kevin back over to where he'd been playing, and drop the truck on the ground again, where we repeated the whole thing. 

"Kevin, it's time to clean up." The guiding of his hand, the picking up of the toy, the walking to the bin, and the dropping of the toy in the right place. 

Then we did it again. And again. For a total of ten reps. If you're thinking, "Wow, that would get old," you're right. It got really old. 

But drudgery was not the goal. I wasn't punishing Kevin into submission. Push the little Sisyphus's rock down the hill again and make him do it all over again. 

The developer of our program, Dr. Ivar Lovaas, knew that impaired nervous systems need more repetition in order to acquire skills and generate them independently when they're called for. It wasn't enough for Kevin's mentally distant mind to know what he needed to do next. His brain and body needed to be conditioned: This instruction goes with this behavior. See, this instruction goes with this behavior. And, as if that weren't enough, this instruction... You get the idea.

The principle of repetitive conditioning can be very helpful to those of us in the habit of repeatedly engaging in self-destructive behavior. 

In the throes of a craving, our nervous systems are impaired, in a way. We are mentally distant, not unlike little Kevin. It's as though the mind's in a thick forest, and can only see one path from here: succumbing to the urge. 

Every time you take that path in the heat of the moment and end up acting out, why not go back to that forest after things have cooled off and make a few practice runs, mentally? Imagine taking a better path, one you hope to take in the future. 

Olivia was excited to practice this exercise. She'd relapsed four days ago. I had her imagine sitting at the computer again and having the urge to view pornography. She dwelt on that for 30 seconds. Then she imagined standing up, walking out of her dorm room, and then outside for some fresh air. She repeated to herself these thoughts, which we'd come up with earlier: 

• "Walking away feels good now and builds strength for later."
• "I won't have to suffer the usual guilt and discouragement."
• "It will feel good to have conquered this problem by the time I leave for summer break."

She spent time dwelling on each thought and associating it with the trigger situation: being alone in her dorm room with the urge to view pornography. 

Then, she thought about a second scenario where she found pornography tempting: watching TV late at night. After thirty seconds of focusing on it, she imagined standing up, turning off the TV, and walking into the bathroom to get ready for bed. 

• "Walking away feels good now and builds strength for later."
• "I won't have to suffer the usual guilt and discouragement."
• "It will feel good to have conquered this problem by the time I leave for summer break."

Olivia practiced imagining being in a state of craving and then taking a different path this way for ten minutes a day over the next month. It built her capacity for standing up to cravings and making a different choice in the heat of the moment.