His Connection with Her Helps Him Avoid Porn

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Vaughn attributes much of his success in recovery to the growing sense of protectiveness. He wants to shield his wife, Holly, and their relationship from the damage pornography can do.

Despite knowing that this mentality should help, it hasn’t always seemed to. “I recall many times trying to think about Holly and her feelings about pornography when I was tempted. To be honest, it was never a big deterrent. I felt more guilty about acting out, but that didn’t seem to hold me back when I was at the brink.”

“Something about the way our relationship has been developing over the last nine months or so has seemed to make the difference. I’m more open and honest with her about everything, not just my struggles with pornography. I’ve let her in on my worries as breadwinner and as a father. I’ve shared my doubts about our religion and the wrestle I’ve had with my career path.

“These were all things I used to deal with on my own to avoid burdening her unnecessarily. In a way, I’d gotten so good at pretending that I rarely even acknowledged these struggles and doubts to myself.

“She’s opening up more to me, too. The array of feelings she deals with as a stay-at-home mom. Even her turmoil and ambivalence about having chosen me as a husband. She tells me when she feels the draw to fantasize about how things might have gone if she’d stayed with her ex-boyfriend.

“It seems like we have a much better handle on who I really am, who she really is. We can talk about anything now. No matter how difficult or sensitive the topic, it’s all fair game. I feel like we’ve become much more real with each other.

“Pornography seems like more of an offense against that. Before I could rationalize that what she didn’t know wouldn’t necessarily affect her. Now pornography seems interruptive of the closeness and connection we enjoy. We are more emotionally intimate, and pornography seems like a rupture of that.”

Vaughn is finding the emotional bond they share to be extremely rewarding. “The idea that pornography is the best game in town, my favorite pleasure, doesn’t ring as true anymore.”

Their sex life has certainly changed. “In past years there were lots of times when I thought I needed to fantasize about images from pornography to get stimulated. And typically I didn’t feel satisfied after sex with Holly, more let down. Of course it was my own fault: I had conditioned myself to expect hours of stimulation before the release. Regular sex couldn’t compete with that.

“Now, we’re more connected and open and real with each other, and that extends to our lovemaking. I want to be with her, this person I know at a deeper level, and I want to share who I really am. She has accepted and loved me through thick and thin, and my gratitude for her and amazement at her just overflow sometimes. We’re both more in the moment. I’m not grasping for something else, something more. It’s enough, both during and after sex.

“So when temptations come, I remember how good things are. Rather than conjuring guilt, I’m trying to preserve that warmth. I treasure knowing that I’m honest with her and things are right with us. That’s a good place to be. I think about Holly and I don’t want her to feel like she’s losing me. I’d hate for her to feel put down in the way she did when she knew I was going to porn.”

If you want to jumpstart what Vaughn is enjoying, here’s an experiment to try out. It will set the stage for you to develop a stronger emotional bond with your partner by giving you a better sense of empathy for her and what she goes through. Spend a few minutes a day observing her, pondering what’s going on inside. At least some of the time, watch her when she doesn’t know you’re looking. Track her movements, note what she looks at and for how long. Listen to the words she uses. Who is she talking to and what’s her purpose in saying what she says? What’s on her mind and in her heart? What are her hopes? In a spirit of exploration and discovery, inhabit the world she lives in. See if you can start to view it through her eyes. What’s life like for her? What matters to her? What moves her? What lifts her spirits? What dampens them? To know her IS to love her, and you miss out on much of what you might otherwise enjoy as porn fouls with your capacity to empathize.

How Therapy Helped Him Overcome Sexual Addiction

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Jay has been "sober" from porn now for over a year, but he still comes in to talk once a month. I asked him the other day how intensive therapy at our clinic helped him overcome the habit.

Jay is a married father of four, in his early fifties, and he works as a sales manager for a medical device manufacturing company. Pornography was an addiction that had haunted him for most of his life. Over the final five years of his involvement in porn, his acting out behavior deteriorated into involvement with prostitutes. He was arrested two years ago in a sting operation. He agreed to complete therapy as a condition of his probation.

Now, two years later, Jay had a ready answer to my question about how therapy had helped: "I got rid of all that baggage. The root causes of my low self-esteem. It was in therapy that I finally worked through the way I'd been treated by my dad."

I remembered all those hours Jay spent processing experiences from his childhood. His dad was a rigidly moralistic man who held extremely high standards for everyone else, especially his children. He would lecture Jay endlessly whenever he thought he'd stepped out of line. "That music is of the devil," "You're not raking those leaves right," "The Sabbath is not for your enjoyment," "You're not holding that golf club right," "You're letting your schoolwork slide."

Ironically, this same man allowed himself all kinds of leeway. He call in sick from work whenever he felt like he deserved a break. He blatantly ogled the bodies of Jay's step-sister's friends. The ugliest part of family life was how dismissive and disrespectful he was of Jay's mother. Everyone dreaded family dinners, where his misogyny was on full display. "Dear, please tell us you got more done around here today than what we can see." "Someone get me a jackhammer, I'll need it to cut through this roast!" She'd often end up in tears, but remained in her chair rather than risking more derision for leaving the table.

Once he was living on his own, Jay had moved two states away from his dad, in part to diminish the ugly influence of the man. It was in therapy that Jay discovered just how much his father's criticisms were still eroding his sense of self worth. "My dad was no longer there, but I was equally hard on myself. His voice stayed alive inside of me and never let up." At a young age Jay discovered that he could use sex to escape all that negativity. "It was a coping mechanism I kept using into adulthood. If I was fantasizing or planning or seeking or gratifying myself, I didn't have to think. And thinking was the sucking whirlpool for me, because it always seemed to go negative. Instead of staying stuck in that, I'd just go into this other world where there was only pleasure."

Looking back Jay could see why porn and sex were his drugs of choice. "The sweet spot they hit was just what I seemed to need. With pornography, you're accepted. The feelings are the opposite of what you were just experiencing. There's the fantasy that you are the one this attractive person wants to be with. With the prostitutes, I was trying to feel that same thing in person. Of course you know that none of it is real, but the feeling makes it seem real. There's the part of you that knows you'll be dealing with the negative effects later: the guilt and shame, more blows to your sense of value as a person. But at the time you just need the fix, the escape."

So how did therapy help Jay give that up? "In therapy I finally got answers to questions like 'Why was my relationship with Dad so traumatic for me?' 'Why was he like that?' Those old traumas were still alive inside of me. I talked about it in individual therapy and with the other men in group. They were all supportive. It meant a lot to have other people acknowledge that it really was as painful as I remembered it being. It was forty years after the fact, but they stood with me as witnesses of what I'd gone through.

"I also started to see that I was repeating in my marriage some of those unhealthy patterns I learned growing up. Just as I tried to stay at the opposite end of the house from my dad because I didn't want to be criticized, I also walked on eggshells with Elise, hoping to avoid her displeasure. I put my best foot forward--emptying the dishwasher and doing the laundry--while at the same time hiding from her all of my ups and downs, any weaknesses, and especially my sexual acting out.

"Well, of course, this pile of raunchy stuff that I thought I had to hide from her kept growing and growing. I felt worse and worse about myself all the time. I became more and more convinced that if she really knew me, she would see me as this disgusting creature I thought I was. I had no doubt that she would leave me if she discovered what I was doing. And I knew that I was already going to @#!*% . That was a given. So the best I could hope for was just to keep pretending I was a decent person, keep living the lie. Then at least she and my kids wouldn't have to suffer for my failings.

"I got pretty good at faking. And I had convinced myself on some level that I was handling it as best I could. I wanted out, sure, but since there wasn't an apparent way out, you just persevere best you can. You find a way to live in @#!*% and yet keep getting up every day and going through the motions."

Jay shook his head in dismay as he thought back on the torture of living a double life for so long. But then his face seemed to lighten. "Going back, remembering what it was like to be a kid, I could more easily see that I wasn't a bad kid. I didn't fail. In fact, I was a good kid. I did a lot right. I had a kind heart. All of that crap I dealt with was my dad's struggle. Sometimes adults handle things wrong, and he was dead wrong in the way he raised me, in the way he lived, in the way he treated women. I accepted that I couldn't have made it any different or better. The longings I'd had to connect with him and to please him, they were normal. But I had to give up the fantasy that we could have had this great relationship. No. It takes two people who are willing and able to have that.

"I came to terms with the fact that I was never good enough to please him and I never could have been. If I'd have become a seminary teacher like him or made millions on the PGA, there still would've been something he needed to correct me about. I finally accepted that as inevitable. It's just part of who he is. That enabled me to get off the little gerbil wheel of thinking I needed to please him. I don't have to dread displeasing him, I can just accept it as a part of my life that stinks, but it's beyond my control.

"I still have negative experiences. They're a part of life. But I don't get caught up in the negativity anymore. It's not worth hanging onto. I'm in the driver's seat and I let go of trying to control people's impressions of me. The hard experiences don't have to linger and affect every other situation in my life."

As I listened to Jay, I thought back on all of the therapy sessions focused on acceptance, surrendering control, and accepting life on it's own terms. I could see the look of serenity in his face that is a hallmark of solid, long term recovery. Jay felt the difference, too. "There had been times before when I've abstained from acting out sometimes for a year or two, but I hadn't really healed.

"Now," he said with a smile, "I'm not just two years since my last relapse, I'm two years stronger."

How Therapy Helped Him Stop Looking at Porn

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Last week I talked with Jacob, a 22 year old young man who has been porn free for three years. That’s no mean feat, since he indulged regularly during his teen years. “How have you done it?” I asked.

“Group therapy helped quite a bit,” he responded.

“In what way?” I wondered.

“We were accountable to each other. We all wanted to stay on track so that we could report back that we were successful. We would celebrate each other’s victories.

“Also, it helped to talk about the addiction. If someone had lapsed, we’d help them problem-solve. We would ask about the events leading up to it.

“Back then, when I gave in, I was pretty hard on myself. It helped to have others ask about it who weren’t inclined to beat me up. They weren’t angry or frustrated. They were just curious. They cared about me and wanted to see me conquer. They were convinced that this problem would respond to our combined efforts, and that gave me hope.

“It turned out to be true: all our heads together were better than mine alone. After talking out what had gone wrong--for me or for one of the other group members--I started to see contributing factors I hadn’t recognized before. Little things, some of them: what time I got up in the morning, what I’d been watching on TV.

“It honed my senses. Then I was more on guard against those risk factors in my life. I could see them coming and I saw them for what they were: gateways into the danger zone. I knew those things heightened my risk, and I was able to steer clear of problems by interrupting the sequence earlier on.”

Jacob also learned that merely recognizing the risk and mentally deciding not to pursue porn wasn’t enough. “I couldn’t remain passive. Once I saw that I was at risk I had to actively do something positive to replace the seeds of thought that were starting to sprout in my brain. I would review a scripture I was memorizing or do a kind act for someone.” Proactively moving in a positive direction rather than just trying to avoid problems was a key in getting his recovery back on solid footing.

Talking with Jacob reminded me of a principle described by the relapse prevention guru Alan Marlatt. He encouraged us to scrutinize failures in order to flesh out the details of our personal “cycle” back into addictive behavior. He advocated taking particular interest in those little, everyday forks in the road where one direction mildly heightens the risk of later faltering. He called these “Seemingly Unimportant Decisions”--SUDs for short.

I’m sure there were many other factors that also played a role for Jacob, but he attributes much of his success in recovery to the group therapy process that illuminated these earliest steps on his usual pathways back to porn. He started to see those SUDs and turn the other direction instead. And now he has three years of freedom to show for it!

Of everything you’ve tried, what’s helped you the most? What boosts your recovery and helps you stay on track? Even if you’re not porn free yet, you’ve learned some valuable lessons. Please share them with us!

Healing after Discovering He's Been Hooked on Porn

In a way, each woman has a uniquely individual experience when she discovers her man has a pornography addiction. It's based on many factors including how he handles the disclosure or discovery, her beliefs about him, her expectations of their relationship, their sexual history, what other areas of their life together have been like, and her feelings about pornography itself.

Despite the very personal nature of your response, it can be valuable to talk to and hear from others who are having parallel experiences. Healing as an individual and moving on as a couple often requires a massive reorientation in the most intimate realms of life. Checking in with fellow travelers on this journey can help reassure you you're not going crazy, illuminate ways of handling things you hadn't considered before, and instill hope that others have made it through what you're experiencing--in one piece!

In that spirit, let me recommend a video that was recently produced by KSL TV. My colleagues Jeff Ford, LMFT and Geoff Steurer, LMFT arranged the interviews and helped put the content together. Geoff coauthored Love You, Hate the Porn with me and the founding director of LifeSTAR of St. George Utah. Hope you find it helpful.

To Kick Your Porn Habit, Learn from Lapses

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Hannah writes, "For five years my husband told me every time he messed up with porn. About a year and a half ago I decieded to 'change the rules.' He could tell me if he wanted (and most the time he did), but he didn't have to. It seemed to work for about 8 or 9 months. He actually did really great. But now he harldy ever tells me, but I know he is looking more and more regularly. Should he be telling me? Should he be accountable to me?"

Hannah, since your husband's been actively working to conquer his addiction for 6+ years, and yet still failing regularly, I worry that he may leaving out key elements necessary for building a solid long-term recovery. As helpful as it may be to address one's addiction more openly--to be accountable, as you put it--there's also much more that can--and typically must--be done.

Here's my suggestion to those who struggle: When you falter, in addition to telling someone, take the time to analyze your lapse. Identify a factor or two that played a role and try to come up with a corresponding solution. Keep tinkering, experimenting, until you find an approach that works for you.

Doug had successfully avoided viewing porn for over a year. Then he got a new 4G phone. Waiting to pick up his daughter her karate class, he wandered around the web. Before he knew it, he had crossed the line back into the realm of porn. The rush was back, and so was the guilt. When he got home, it was hard to tell his wife, Shelly. They'd come so far, things between them seemed almost back to normal, and he dreaded what this might do to her confidence in him. He told her anyway.

Shelly swore at Doug and then cried. Then she thanked him for telling her. They brainstormed together. At first Shelly wanted him to ditch the new phone. They discussed what had helped Doug avoid problems on the computer. One key was the monitoring software they'd installed a year and a half ago. "Whenever I'm online I feel like I'm in a fishbowl. I know you'll be getting the report on where I go online. It's not even a temptation to go to adult sites anymore."

"Too bad they don't have monitoring software for phones," Shelly lamented. After a moment they looked up at each other and then both reached for their phones. Within moments they were exploring the pros and cons of different Phone Monitoring Software programs. Since installing FlexiSpy on his phone, Doug has felt as protected with it as he does when he's online at home.

Initially Shelly thought that availability was the primary factor leading to Doug's lapse; hence she wanted to get rid of the phone altogether. Talking together they realized that even if porn is available, it's not a draw unless Doug feels like he can view it in complete secrecy. This allowed them to come up with a fitting solution that wasn't overly restrictive.

Kevin is another individual who built a more solid recovery by taking the time to learn from his failures. He said, “I used to lapse on the road, so whenever I travel my mind reminded me it was time to look at porn.” The human nervous system is designed to take whatever we do regularly and generate an autopilot program for carrying out that sequence independent of conscious choice. Once we’re programmed, an initial domino in the sequence is all it takes to tip over the whole row.

Kevin's solution was to invest some time practicing other mental responses and making them habitual. He integrated the practices describe in my posts The Path from Craving to Freedom and Mentally Practice Your Way Out of Craving. On his next business trip, he deliberately practiced an entirely different line of thinking as soon as he walked into his hotel room. Before he even unpacked his luggage, he took out nine tattered index cards and read them, pausing a few seconds to let each idea sink in:

• "Don't choose guilt and depression over contentment."
• "As I get free of this problem Olivia and I feel closer and closer."
• "Sex is for connecting, not distraction."
• "That path separates and isolates me."
• "I have much more power when I turn away."
• "Think of how hard it is to face Olivia after messing up."
• "Remember who I am and what I stand for."
• "That path diminishes love and disconnects us."
• "Loneliness is hard but I can make it."

Once each day for a week prior to leaving on the trip, he had imagined himself in this very situation and then read the cards to practice. The repetition had helped lay down a new path for his brain to take, an alternative to the old pattern that had become habitual because of past repetition. He has continued this practice whenever he travels, breaking out the cue cards again a week prior to leaving. Despite being on the road extensively this past fall, he only lapsed once, which was a drastic improvement for Kevin.

Don't endlessly beat yourself up over a lapse. But don't merely dismiss it, either, as an inevitable part of the process of recovery from addiction. Instead, do as Doug and Kevin did. Take the time to do an autopsy. Adopt the mentality of a curious, scientifically-minded coroner. It may be a complex interaction of factors that makes us vulnerable to lapse. Thus, coming up with a solution can be a challenge. But it can also be quite an inspired, creative endeavor. (I'll stop short of calling it fun.)

Analyze away. Experiment away. And then please share with us what you discover and the ways you develop and grow along the way. I will be as excited to hear your story as I was to share Doug and Shelly's and Kevin and Olivia's!

Book Review: The Porn Trap, by Wendy Maltz & Larry Maltz

Back in the 1980s, Wendy Maltz and her husband and fellow therapist, Larry, were not that concerned about pornography. Like most in the field, they thought it was essentially harmless. The use of porn was even promoted at professional trainings as a way to help couples reinvigorate their sex lives. Then the authors noted a trend: porn was moving couples away from being sexually intimate with each other. For too many of their clients, porn itself had become the object of desire. They wrote Porn Trap because "We believe you have a right to healthy, love-based sexual expression, and that today's multi-media driven pornography is interfering with that right" (p. 8).

The authors share this gem of a line from the 14th Century Sufi poet, Hafiz:

Learn to recognize the counterfeit coins
that may buy you just a moment of pleasure,
but then drag you for days
like a broken man
behind a farting camel.

The Maltzs' case material was gleaned from interviews with those whose lives have been depleted by porn. "While pornography may promise sexual freedom, it can eventually deliver a form of sexual oppression--robbing people of sexual innocence, sexual self-determination, and the skills to experience healthy relationships based on a loving connection with a real partner" (p. 8). The cases in the book make real the suffering, but also help illuminate the way out. And that's one real value of the book: if you're stuck, you read of others who have been, too, but have made their way out. When you've been stumbling in the dark, such rays of hope are precious.

Here's what I appreciate most about the book: the authors back up their compassion and optimism by providing practical tools. They suggest steps for deciding whether porn is hampering your happiness and relationships, tactics for quitting porn if you decide it is a problem, and in-the-bedroom practices for turning your sex life around so that it can build closeness and fulfillment in place of the separation and depletion that pornography fosters. Wendy Maltz's expertise in healthy sexuality and some great material from her previous books are distilled into the chapter entitled "A New Approach to Sex."

Of the many tools the authors share, I'll highlight a couple I find particularly helpful:

When you feel the gravitational pull of porn, here's something you can do to literally come to your senses. It's an exercise they entitle Shifting Your Attention. "A simple sensory awareness exercise can help you shift your attention away from what you've been thinking about and on to something else in your environment. For example, 'Now I'm aware of the sun coming through the window." Repeat and complete the phrase 'Now I'm aware of...' until you have identified five different things that you see. Continue the exercise stating five different things you are aware of hearing, then five different things you are aware of touching or feeling inside your body. This exercise can help center you sensually in the reality of your present environment and take you farther away from the fantasy world of porn" (p. 195).

This is a theme throughout the book: real life--everything from real events to real emotions to your flesh-and-blood lover--are antidotes to the unreal world of porn. This theme reaches its pinnacle in one of the final skills they cover, Involving Your Heart in Sex, which is needed because porn-informed sex is all about stimulation rather than heartfelt connection. When you are engaged in sexual activity:

• Take a moment to touch your heart or your partner's heart to activate or stay connected to feelings of caring and love.
• Take time to smile and make loving eye contact with your partner. 
• Temporarily shift your awareness from your genital arousal to the attributes you most admire and appreciate about your partner.
• Take time to verbally express your feelings of affection to your partner.
• Touch in loving and affectionate ways that you have learned will be valued and appreciated by your partner.

Thank you Wendy and Larry for this invaluable book! Your deep care for those caught in the porn trap shines through. Your work is helping make that group smaller--one person, one couple at a time!

Why Does My Boyfriend Look at Girls Online?

Rachel's boyfriend Carl never talks about it, but there's evidence on the computer that he spends a lot of time looking at other women's bodies. Today she found evidence in the clothes hamper that those images are satisfying more than his curiosity. This kind of discovery is confusing and disturbing to many women. 

Regular visitors know that this blog explores how porn impacts relationships and what we can do about it. Today I'd like to share some insights from another therapist who works in the field of sexual addiction. 

Todd Frye, Ph.D., runs a sexual addictions provider certification program at MidAmerica Nazarene University. In this video he gets to the heart of the matter: porn addiction is an intimacy disorder. I'm excited to share it with you.

Here are a few of the insights he shares:

"Most people who struggle with intimacy struggle with the capacity to acknowledge what's going on inside of them and share that. Intimacy in Latin is intimus, which means innermost. They don't have the capacity to be reflective enough to know what is going on inside them and share it in a way in which someone else can connect with that, relate to that, and respond to that. [Intimacy] also has components of empathy, the capacity to give comfort, protection, and attunement to someone else....

"They don't learn how to take their pain, their sadness, and their joy to someone else and share it with them and experience it with them so that in turn that person can in turn offer a response that is a natural antidote to how they feel, that's validating and creates connection. They tend to isolate more, they tend to withdraw. The way to lower their anxiety is to isolate themselves and pull away.... 

"Just because I isolate myself, the need to connect with people doesn't die, doesn't just go away. So they position themselves to need something that's non-relational to feed this inability to connect or manage their mood. They use sexual addiction as a way of doing that."

Thanks Dr. Frye, for articulating these truths so well!

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Revisit the Moment You Got Hooked on Porn

Wyatt's eyes were closed and his face was flush. Watching his eyes flit beneath the lids, I knew his imagination was taking him on a wild and vivid ride back in time. He was going back to that moment when he got hooked on porn.

He could see the 12-year-old he once was. He felt for the kid. He spent most of that summer home alone. Older brother, his usual partner in crime, was off working in the laundromat at the strip mall halfway across town. Dad was at work and it seemed that Mom was always off with little sister helping at dance practice or traveling to competitions. Then Wyatt had the falling out with the gang of buddies in his neighborhood over a kick soccer ball game gone bad. He couldn't believe what poor sports they were. After that, it felt like all of the usual avenues for excitement were shut down. He rode his bike around town for a while, but that got old. Then he started watching a ton of TV.

The pictures in the magazine he found in the grove of trees near his home weren't hard core by today's standards. Wyatt had never tried drugs, but he couldn't imagine a drug unleashing a more potent euphoria than the warm, eager looks of those women. Their inviting, yet concealing poses knocked the breath right out of him. To say that he felt compelled to hide the magazine so that he could come back and look again is too weak a way to put it. His chest was heaving with breath, even his head pounding as he left the grove that day, wondering when he could return.

That is where the adult Wyatt imagined stepping into the path of his much younger self. He escorted him home and into his room, where he'd feel comfortable. He wanted talk to him about what had just happened, share his perspective as someone older and wiser. He wanted to help.

"That was something else, wasn't it?" He asked.

Still dazed, his younger self faintly nodded.

"I want you to know that what just happened inside of you is completely normal. It's not a good thing for women to expose themselves in that way for men's entertainment. It's not good for them or for the men who view it. But the fact that you had such a strong reaction is understandable. God gave you the gift of your sexuality. It's this tremendously potent life force within you, and what you just saw awakened it more powerfully than anything you've ever experienced.

As Wyatt watched him in his mind's eye, it seemed that his younger self was taking this all in.

"Your reaction does not mean you're a bad kid. Nothing of the sort! You're a good kid. In fact, you're a fine young man! Don't let that experience convince you that there's something wrong with you, that you're not a an upstanding, righteous individual. You don't need to feel ashamed that you were drawn by those images and feelings. You could have walked away from the magazine when you saw what it was, and that is the best way to handle it in the future, but it's understanding that you found it so riveting.

"That's one of the problems with pornography. It is riveting. As pleasurable as it can feel, it can also take control of your life. That's one of the reasons it will be better for you to avoid viewing it in the future. And that's one of the main messages I came back to give you: the conclusion you came to, that you have to go back and look some more, you can't pass up that opportunity, is incorrect. You can say no. You're better off avoiding it than indulging. To the degree that you pass on pornography, your life will be better.

"You just concluded that you need more of that in your life. Well, you don't need pornography the way it feels like you do. Part of the reason you don't need it the way it seems to you right now is that this hard time, when it feel like you're alone all the time and it seems like life is passing you by... this time is over. It's not happening anymore. I came here to show you you're not still stuck here. Time passes. Life gets better.

"Let me show you these pictures of how you grew up to become me: Here's you at 13 on the track team. 14 at your cousins' ranch riding horses. 15 practicing football with the high school team. 16 with your beat up red Toyota..." And so on Wyatt went, up to the present day. Then he imagined bringing his younger self into his home as it is now.

His younger self had all kinds of questions: What's it like to drive a truck? Is that really your boat in the driveway? When did you get a dog? As he answered the questions, Wyatt realized that this part of him that was most hooked on porn was not his adults self. It was a part of him that had been oblivious so far to the passage of time. In a way, this made sense: only a part of him who hadn't tasted the toxic fruit of porn in his life would still find it so magical and inviting.

"You don't have to go back there," Wyatt said finally. You don't live back there in that loneliness and addiction anymore. You don't have to live that way, vigilant for an appealing distraction from pain. On the lookout for an escape. You can stay with me and the dog and the boat here.

"If you stay here, and your job is no longer to look for opportunities to look for sexual stimulation, what would you like your new job to be?" Young Wyatt thought about that. "I want to look for other ways to have fun."

That sounded like a good compromise to Wyatt's adult self. He needed more fun in his life.

(The above account is a brief excerpt from a session of therapy technique developed by Peggy Pace called Lifespan Integration. To be effective, the process actually requires multiple "trips" through the client's timeline. If you think Lifespan Integration might help you, here is a directory of therapists who have been trained in the method.)

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It's Not that She Won't Forgive You

"I feel bad that I can't let it go," Anna said through tears. Then she pressed her palm to her chest. "But there's still this heartache. There's this catch inside me that says, He still doesn't fully understand. He still doesn't get what his porn or his affair have done to me. It feels like, If I forgive him now, before it's 100% clear, I'll be putting myself at risk. I could think we've moved on, moved past it, and then somewhere down the road when he's tempted again, he'll give in. And yet still have no idea how it kills me. I can't afford that. So there's this part of me that won't let it go.

To Jonathan's credit, he just sat there, listening, trying to understand. I've seen husbands apologize and promise and plead. I recall one who'd preach wonderful sermons to his wife about forgiveness, quoting the Bible and Gandhi and Voltaire. Should have saved his breath.

I complimented Anna for opening up and Jonathan on the receptive stance he was taking. I encouraged them to let it continue throughout the week. I gave him a copy of two bullet point lists (You can find one of them in this earlier blog post. The other one is in Chapter 4 of our book). "Use these questions as a guide. They are the kinds of questions that help many women open up and let their feelings known about their partner's sexual acting out."

That week was an eye-opener and heart-softener for Jonathan. And a huge relief for Anna. The discussions they shared were revealing and intimate. In some ways, they felt closer to each than ever before.

Looking back, Jonathan wished they'd gotten to that depth of connection earlier. "Before, I was all about trying to avoid her having hurt feelings. I was constantly vigilant of the triggers that brought up old feelings for Anna. I stopped wearing cologne to work because she asked me about it once and I didn't want her to worry. And yet I discovered that there was nothing I could do to prevent her from having concerns, from having those old wounds reopened. We'd drive through some part of town and she'd be in tears. Can't go there anymore! We'd see a movie and she'd pull away from me. Stupid Hollywood! I was so misguided! Now I've learned that the key is not to walk on eggshells all the time to avoid making her feel bad. I need to be sensitive, sure. But when she does get scared or the wound is reopened again, those times are opportunities! I relish the chance to talk out whatever it is that suddenly made her feel bad. I can let her know I really want to get it. It's a chance for me to let her know my heart goes out to her when she hurts again because of what I've done."

"It's made a huge difference to know that he doesn't view our deep conversations as a chore anymore," Anna nodded. "It's how I heal. And he's the one I want to heal with. It doesn't matter who else cares and is willing to listen. When I hurt the most, I need Jonathan to hear me out."

Jonathan reached out and squeezed Anna's hand. His gesture spoke volumes: "I'm here for you. From now on, I'll always be willing to listen."

As I think back now about Jonathan and Anna, I don't recall her ever again mentioning that it was difficult to forgive him.

Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why Do We Go to Porn When It's TLC We Need?

In my last post I talked about Paul, who tended to go to porn when he felt down. As he learned to reach for support when he was in need, it helped him avoid relapse. Why did Paul even need therapist to help him change that habit? Why didn't he simply recognize on his own that he needed TLC when he felt deflated and seek it out?

Here are three key reasons we go to porn instead of seeking the emotional support we need:

1. We tend to deny everyday emotional bumps and bruises. As we are going about our day and something happens that we feel bad about, we don't typically take a moment to even acknowledge the "ouch." After all, we're men. As one of my clients put it, "As a commanding officer, I have a duty to be strong, or at least appear strong. The army doesn't pay me to be in tune with my upsets and doubts."

We fail to realize that these little buried emotions can linger and fester. Since we don't acknowledge those initial hits, later in the day when we still feel out of sorts, we may not even remember where those bad feelings started. We end up with little more than a vague sense that things feel off today.

2. Porn is a potent narcotic. Since we're not clear about the problem, it's no wonder we can end up pursuing a faulty "solution." The brain is good at going back to a way it has experienced relief before. Sexual fantasy and masturbation become a habit that provides that release.

Even after we discover that pent up feelings are at the root of our relapses, it can be a challenge to give up porn as an easy and reliable source of immediate relief. Our solution may be misguided, but it's also addictive.

3. It feels more manly to be horny than to be needy. Consider Earl, for example. Once we discussed it, he had an easy time seeing the connection between emotion and relapse. He went home and let his wife, Helen, know that he'd be opening up when he felt bad. She was receptive, even eager to connect with him when he is in need. He was convinced that her attitude would pave the way for him to do it in the heat of the moment. And yet in our next session, he described calling her the day before because he was feeling off--sort of lonely--at work. "It was nice to talk with her and I felt better after hanging up, but I never was able to spit out the reason for the call."

As hard as it is to make ourselves vulnerable, we can do it! Once we do, life gets much easier. It's not only that we're more able to stay in the driver's seat of our lives and abstain from porn. As we become more comfortable being real, we become more relaxed overall. And the connection we feel to our partner catapults the joy of that relationship into a whole new territory.

Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

We Go to Porn When We Need TLC

Paul had a hard day at work. His rear end hurt. His eight hour shift at the call center was long and boring. He thought about his buddies who still worked at the car wash and longed for the good old days. He came home and slumped over the kitchen table and unloaded all his complaints to his mom.

               

“Oh, honey,” she cooed. “It’s so hard to make these kinds of transitions. Life’s not nearly as fun as it used to be. I can see how hard it is right now to hold the course, even though you thought it would be the best way to pay tuition.”

               

After a couple of minutes, Paul got up from the table, nodded an appreciative look to his mom, and walked downstairs to get ready for his workout.

               

Paul has learned to check in about what he’s feeling. He has discovered that when he spills his emotions in this way and senses that his mom’s heart is going out to him, he feels some relief. It helps him “reset” emotionally.

               

When we find ourselves disoriented by unsettling emotion, we are genuinely in need. Fortunately, the human nervous system has a way of getting us what we really need when we need it. Our attention narrows to the one thing our survival seems to depend on. We become extremely motivated to seek it. The brain becomes like a pit bull that won’t let go.

               

Our genuine survival needs are all that way. We need oxygen, and if  we are ever deprived of it, the brain makes sure nothing else matters until we get it. We have more leeway when it comes to sleep and food, but if we’re deprived long enough, eventually we become single-minded and driven until those survival needs are satisfied.

Our need for compassion and support when we’re struggling emotionally is just as essential to our well-being. Connection with a loved-one at such times is our emotional oxygen. Take a deep breath of it, and we our brain resets and we can move on with life. When we’re denied it, we can’t easily turn our focus to other things. We stay narrow-minded, shut down, and function at a much lower level than usual.

If we can’t acknowledge what we feel, reach out to someone close, and sort it out with them, then we fail to reset in the most fitting way. We remain emotionally distraught and cognitively compromised. And, unfortunately, primed for a relapse. The brain is craving relief from the distress, and porn provides a powerful distraction. But it’s only a pseudo-reset, not a genuine solution. Soon the original distress returns, and with it with the added bite that we let porn into the driver’s seat of our lives again.

That’s how it used to go for Paul. Fortunately, he takes a better path now when he’s feeling downhearted.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

High Branch, Sweet Fruit: Why the Best Sex is between Committed Partners

Porn ruins real sex. Fortunately, great sex can heal the porn-numbed brain.

It's fun to see the sexual rescusitation of men whose desire had been numbed and deadened by pornography.

First, they had to take a leap of faith. They were willing to bet that connecting with their wife would be more exciting and fulfilling, in the long run, than the thrill of porn.

That's not an easy leap for some men. When they turn from porn, with its top-of-the-scale intensity, sex with a familiar partner with a real body can seem bland. Many men find that they can't even get aroused any more during sex play with their wife. That can be scary and frustrating. It's tempting to fall back on the old standby.

Couples who patiently stay with it and push through that initial difficulty can eventually enjoy the best sex they've ever had.

Here's why: the dopamine rush from porn that deadens our sensitivity is not permanent. The body recovers. When it does, appetites can return to a healthy level. We can begin anew to want our partner deeply. Skin-to-skin contact becomes a thrill again. The warmth of eachother's bodies is immensely gratifying. We get back to where the mere scent of our partner drives us wild.

Make no mistake: this sweet fruit is on a high branch. We can't just be physically and mentally monogamous. We have to connect in a way that is different from the sexuality portrayed in popular media.

Our culture definitely has been pornified. We have come to expect intense arousal followed by intense stimulation followed by intense orgasms.

The best sex proceeds in a more nuanced way than that. It demands that we take the time to connect, express love, touch each other, hold each other. We orient toward this other human being who resides in the body in bed next to us rather than focusing narrowly on our own desires or their body parts. The best sex expands and invites our entire soul in the process rather than contracting down to the fewest ingredients that make up the easiest recipes for pleasure.

Abstain from porn. Hold each other. Speak lovingly to each other. Let your skin and her skin be the interface by which your hearts speak to each other's. Press your skin to hers; hold her skin greedily against yours. Let that most basic pleasure of contact and warmth soothe you. Be patient. Over time, it will excite you again. When it does, don't focus on the goal of the climax. Don't abandon each other chasing after dopamine. Stay with one another on that wondrous plateau of connecting and mutual pleasuring.

Have more sex. Not just more frequency, but more depth, more length, more breadth. Share that togetherness during lovemaking that doesn't come at any other time. Share that exclusivity. Be reminded of that priveleged status that each of you hold in each other's life. Let sex be an expression of all that.

The kind of connection you'll develop is spiritual and emotional, but it's not just those things--it's also chemical. With this kind of lovemaking we bathe each other's brains in oxytocin. Oxytocin bonds us more intensely to one another. It makes my partner more attractive to me. It makes us want each other more. And over time we become more sensitive to each other. Think of that! What a cool process: we are being sensitized! Just the opposite of what dopamine does to us, deadening and desensitizing over time.

So don't give up! Stay together! Dump porn! Have faith in the process! And make more love--not just more often, but more lovingly.

Here's good news: even if erectile dysfunction has been a problem, a limp penis can't stop you from this kind of lovemaking. And don't worry, it's only temporary. Your verility will return.

Your lives together will be better than ever. We see it happen all the time. There are lots of couples in the process of doing it.

Don't Fight Your Urges, Cure Your Cravings

There are lots of reasons addiction continues, even when we're trying to stop.

One big contributor is the knee-jerk way we handle urges and cravings.

Let's talk first about how we usually handle them (which too often fails miserably) and then we'll talk about a more helpful way (which can help us stay on the path of recovery).

Once a craving is triggered, we find ourselves in an ambivalent state. This is the very nature of addiction. Part of my brain starts pressing on the gas pedal, another part the brake.

Here's where we start to go wrong: Since we've failed at times to resist our urges, we think we need to resist more intently in order to successfully avoid relapse. We assume that fighting harder will be the key. We throw all our weight into pressing on the brake.

• We think, "Oh, no!"
• We get single-minded about avoiding a lapse
• We think we have no choice but to fight, resist, restrain
• We hold our breath, put our head down, and try to weather this hard time

This approach can initiate an all-out arms race between our urges and our restraint. Once it gets going, we may be battling for hours--or even days!

Our craving may have put us into reactive mode, but the way we're handling it has only intensified that reactivity. We're getting more intense and tunnel-visioned.

Reactive mode is a very different state of mind (and body) from mastery mode, which is how we operate when we're at our best.

In mastery mode:

• Problems are viewed as something to handle, not to panic about
• We remain broad-minded enough to notice what's actually going on 
• We remain open-minded enough to remember that we have options and calmly look for ones we hadn't noticed before
• We keep breathing, learning, adapting--and then we get back to (and on with) our regularly scheduled life with as little fanfare and drama as possible

In reactive mode, we're like a resident of a burning building in a full panic. We're more likely to do things that don't serve us well.

In mastery mode, we're more like a trained firefighter. We know what we need to do and we go about doing it in spite of the heat.

To foster mastery, we can deliberately cultivate its characteristics:

• Accept the urge as a part of life (oh, yeah, that--yawn) instead of as this hugely significant problem or invitation and opportunity
• Breathe (nice, full breaths) to keep the brain oxygenated
• Notice (specific sights, sounds, touch) to keep oriented to what's real now instead of looping into panic or fantasy
• Choose how to respond. Experiment by trying out a different response instead of by doing what we've always done, which has so often failed

Steven had successfully avoided pornography for months. Nonetheless, despite his best efforts, he could not manage to completely abstain from masturbation. This may not sound like a big deal to most people, but Steven was twenty years old, devout in his LDS faith, and otherwise ready to serve a mission.

His masturbation habit was fouling up the most spiritually meaningful quest of his life! He told me that he felt the way Frodo Baggins might if he were forever stuck in the shire!

Since this goal was so important to him, it was completely novel idea to view sexual temptations as (yawn) "Oh, yeah, that... that's just part of life, and a mundane part at that."

But he liked the idea. He laughed and shrugged when I described it to him, which let me know that he was already more relaxed and breathing easier.

I encouraged Steven to take acceptance to an even higher level. "This week when you're tempted, say to yourself: "Good! A chance to practice mastery!" He assured me that, if the week was typical, he would have plenty of chances to practice. I coached him to then breathe and notice what he can see, hear or feel... and then finally to deliberately choose to respond in a way he wasn't accustomed to.

It's convenient that these repeatable features of mastery mode follow the first letters of the alphabet:

• Accept
• Breathe & Notice
• Choose

After his first week of practice, Steven came back a bit confused. "I finally felt prepared, so why weren't there as many opportunities to practice as I was expecting?"

"Exactly!" I said. "As soon as your brain knows that you have a way of handling urges and cravings, they're no longer viewed as these all-important things to be vigilant about. They become merely one type of feature among so many on the landscape. The little emotional sentinel in your brain is no longer on high alert and on the lookout for sexual triggers as potent threats, which the pleasure center of your brain then morphs into potent opportunities."

It's all about potency. When sexual content is less potent, triggers and opportunities start to blend into the endless parade of other stuff that goes on in your day. As they should! Sex is a part of life, but it's not the biggest part! It doesn't deserve all of the energy we've been giving it!

Several weeks later, Steven told me about an experience from a few days earlier. He'd arrived home after dark from playing basketball with some buddies. Everyone else in the house was asleep. As he walked to the top of the stairs to go down and shower and hit the sack, it hit him that he was at risk. In a moment, he was in high alert: "I've gone over two months now without masturbating. I'm closer now to leaving on my mission than I've ever been! But I've lapsed before in the shower, and with everyone asleep I'm more at risk!"

Steven felt an intense desire to stay on track, and knew that it might be followed soon by an equally strong--or perhaps even more overwhelming!--desire for sexual pleasure and release. It had been weeks now and he was a healthy young man with a strong sex drive! Should he hit the sack without showering? Even if he did and he made it through this night, could he ever truly hope to make it an entire three months, the goal he was working toward?!

Then, at the top of the stairs, it occurred to him: "I'm doing this to myself. I'm working myself up. But I don't have to! This is a great chance to practice mastery!"

He took a nice, full breath and really looked at the textured pattern in the ceiling above the stairs as he descended. Another breath as he listened to the sound of the furnace in the next room. With the next breath he felt the cool metal of the doorknob to the bathroom door in his hand. Right then it popped into his mind: one way that he could choose to behave differently. He could leave the bathroom door unlocked while he showered. That would certainly be an experiment he'd never tried before. On the one hand, he knew that everyone was probably asleep, but on the other hand he just couldn't imagine masturbating in the shower with an unlocked bathroom door.

Although I kept listening as Steven finished the story of that night, once he got to this point I knew all I needed to know. Before hearing about the outcome of his efforts that evening, I was already confident in the outcome of his entire treatment. Whether he had successfully avoided masturbating that night or not (as it turned out, he didn't lapse), he would succeed in overcoming the habit. He was developing the ability to shift out of reactivity and back to a state of mastery.

Instead of remaining the burning building's panicky resident, we can like Steven become a firefighter. Over time we will get better and better at it until we can handle what once might have been the most threatening situation with calmness and grace.

Hearing the Inner Voice That's been Drowned Out by Craving

 It takes a while to develop the kind of inner attunement Nigel's now practicing.

Instead of meeting in person yesterday he phoned in for his session from his in-law's place. He and his wife and their new baby will be there throughout the break between semesters. Last year we did a couple of sessions the same way over the holidays, but the content of what Nigel talked about was very different. I was so struck by the contrast that I thumbed back in his file to check out my notes from a year ago. Here's how he started our December 20, 2009 conversation: "I'm feeling so antsy here. They live in the middle of the prarrie and they're not big on TV. I can feel this big hole where I'd usually be going to some form of electronic entertainment. I've looked through their bookshelves and pulled out three or four titles that interested me, but I just can't get into any of them. I think I'm feeling lousy because I can't get to my addiction the way I do at home. We didn't bring my laptop and their computers are all password protected. I want to be tempted, I want to have the opportunity to see something that will make me feel good, and I can't so I'm grouchy about the whole thing."

Part of what's different for Nigel now is that he has made it past the withdrawal he always went through back then whenever he managed to abstain from pornography for a time. But there's an even more important difference. He no longer attributes the antsy feeling he sometimes gets to his addiction. He doesn't interpret all of his distress as coming from an urge to go to pornography on the one hand or to a sense of guilt and shame from having relapsed on the other. He's getting so much more adept at sorting through his feelings. Here's what he told me this year: "I asked Melissa to sit down with me last night because I was feeling unsettled. It wasn't clear to me at first, but as we started talking it out I realized that I was wondering what we're doing here. What's our purpose? How will we know whether we've achieved it once it's time to head back to school? I want to make sure we open ourselves up to opportunities for good things to happen. I want to experience things that feel nice, like a real conversation with some of her siblings or her parents--a chance to connect more deeply with them. Or is there a project I can help with around their house that would help me feel good about pitching in? I decided that it might be as simple as going to the store and getting some blueberries so that I can make some pancakes one morning. As we kept talking, I realized that I'm also feeling some fear of the upcoming semester. It's supposed to be the hardest semester of the entire doctoral program. There's a desire to stay where someone else is taking care of everything. For some odd reason it's a little hard to enjoy the down time. In quiet moments, what's coming after the break looms it's head and stares me down."

I asked Nigel how it felt to talk all of that out with Melissa. "Oh, it was nice. It cleared my head. She's a good listener. Talking with her validates what I feel." I've learned over the years that, not only can our wives be good listeners, they tend to me more attuned to emotion than we are as men. As we talk with them about the events in our lives and, in particular, what it's like for us personally to experience them, they can often help us sense the feeling tones that color what we're going through. Before talking with our wives, we only see this messy stew of unformed things, a tangle we would rather cover up by numbing out with our addiction. Despite all the disadvantages of our addiction, at least it's a familiar problem and the emotions associated with it are well-formed and straightforward. "I haven't given in for a day/week/month, so now I'm lusting... I gave in, so now I'm feeling guilty." That two dimensional see-saw blinds us to so much of life's emotional subtlety and richness.

Nigel has always needed Melissa to draw close when he was in need, but it's so much easier for her to do it now that he's coming to her to talk about his feelings. He used to stuff his feelings... then find himself more tempted... then either fight temptation or give in... and then come to her to confess after the fact or wait until he was caught. She had a hard time relating to his wrestle with sex addiction, but she can readily relate to his real emotions: Wanting the holiday to be special. Being afraid of going back to school. These kind of feelings are universal and easy for her to empathize with.

I was so struck by how different things seemed this year compared to last, I had to check and see if Nigel could also tell the difference. "I'm looking at my notes our session a year ago. Do you remember how you used to handle it when you felt uneasy and out of sorts?"

"Oh, yeah. When I got into a dark mood back then, sometimes I didn't even realize it. That's no surprise, since I had lived my entire life ignoring my feelings. Once I did recognize I was in a down state--usually because it got so bad or lasted so long--I thought I had to get myself out of it. I needed to turn to the Lord more. Then I often felt like I didn't get any help from the Lord, but I blamed it on myself: I must not be doing my dailies well enough. I need to step up my prayers or scripture study. The Lord doesn't abandon you; you must have abandoned the Lord. The idea that when I was in that dark place, I didn't have to just trudge through it on my own, that was so new to me. That was good to learn. I don't have to just deal with hard times on my own. I don't have to just "take it." I can talk about it. That started to change as I learned to talk out what I was feeling in group therapy. And then Melissa and I started checking in each night, doing a little inventory of how we were each feeling and what was one blessing in our life. It has developed into this habit of connecting at the end of almost every day. Sitting on the couch and talking things out. If one of us has had a hard day we'll rest our head on the other one's shoulder or lap and let it all spill out. Nothing's off limits. There's this unspoken contract: we know the other person will honor whatever we're feeling without criticizing or getting defensive. We hardly ever watch TV anymore. We'd much rather connect. That time together unwinding and connecting has become our thing. I'm only realizing as I'm describing it how sacred that time has become for us. I think it's the primary reason I've gone this long without relapsing. Our relationship is getting stronger and stronger and it seems to be healing my addiction to sex."

The biggest cost of addiction is not what it makes us do, but what it makes us miss. The main price Nigel paid for his addiction was not in what he did as he got so caught up in sex, but in what he missed when he was in the orbit of resisting and succumbing. For years he missed out on the quiet inner voice that was tugging at him, telling him to reach out, subtly prodding him to find meaning and connection, to cry on your wife's shoulder and probe your brother-in-law about how he made it through graduate school and make blueberry pancakes for all of your in-laws on Christmas eve morning. Oh, what a toll addiction exacts from us weary strugglers!

Please write and tell us what you're learning as you try to tune in, take your emotions more seriously, and open up and share what your feeling instead of keeping it all stuffed inside!