Rachel's Journey of Growth and Healing

Everyone's path is different. And yet, as Henry Nouwen wrote, "The most personal is the most universal." In that spirit, I really appreciate Rachel's (not her real name of course) permission to share with you what she has written about her experience over the past year. If your personality, your relationship, and the course you feel inspired to traverse is different from Rachel's, don't expect her map to match your journey. Simply take strength from knowing you're not alone.

One year ago I discovered my husband’s secret life -- a life of pornography and acting out and betrayal.  It was like peeling away the layers of an onion as I learned more and more, and the revelation was a complete shock to me.  I have been thinking about the things I have learned and done that have led from a time of despair to a place of great hope.  I realize that I have learned a great deal about myself and how to find strength in the face of adversity.  There are several things that helped me to not only heal my broken heart but to provide support to my husband.

PERSONAL STRENGTH

For six weeks I didn’t share my story with anyone.  I didn’t talk to friends or family, or even a counselor or church leader.  I did turn to God for strength and guidance.  This is a personal thing for everyone, but I believe I have been greatly blessed with the ability to love in spite of the pain.  I was surprised to learn that underneath the intense pain was a small amount of anger, but mostly love.  From the beginning I knew that I wanted to do what I could to repair the damage and to move forward with a strengthened marriage.  Keeping this goal in mind has helped so many times when I wanted to give up.

Six weeks after I learned of my husband’s addiction he decided to move out.  I had begged him to stay, to get in addiction recovery and protect the children from being hurt.  His desire to escape was too strong, he was in love with someone else, and he had reached the breaking point.  I found myself wishing him good luck in finding what he was looking for and encouraging him to get help for his addiction.  I am grateful for the strength that helped me hold myself together.

My husband described the night he moved out as a wake-up call.  He realized that he didn’t want to leave me and the children and that he needed help.  We still had a long and difficult road ahead, but it was a turning point.  Over the next several months he was sometimes home, sometimes away.  He was learning to deal with his emotions and I did my best to give him the space he needed while maintaining a secure home for the children.

KNOWLEDGE

In the beginning I turned to books for answers to my questions.  I read everything I could about addiction, and it was immensely helpful.  Not everything I read applied to my situation, but one big thing I read over and over is that my husband’s addiction is not my problem to fix.  Knowing this has helped me focus on things that I could do or change, and allow my husband to deal with the addiction on his own terms.

EMPATHY

One of the most valuable things I gained from my mostly-unused education is that there are always two sides to every issue.  This situation was no exception!  Wallowing in self-pity is so easy when you have been betrayed, especially when your partner has very little to give emotionally.  But looking at life through my husband’s eyes made me realize how much worse it was for him.  He was in the depths of despair, filled with shame for what he had done, sorrow for his betrayals, grief over the loss of his ability to love and serve.  His desire to escape was so strong that he felt willing to sacrifice everything to start over and to dig himself out of the deep pit he had fallen into.  Everywhere he turned someone expected him to behave in a certain way or be a certain person.  He felt controlled and smothered.  Of course, there is no easy escape.  He wanted to believe he could run away and hide from his problems, but he would always be a father, a son and brother.  His addiction would not magically disappear.  His heart would not easily mend.  Understanding his pain helped me to put my own pain into perspective and to work towards a solution.

Considering my husband’s feelings has helped me many times.  For example, there were occasions where we would be away together, and everything was great between us.  I would feel like we had made progress and were moving forward together.  When we returned to our normal routines I found that he would withdraw and I was left wondering what had happened.  The first time this occurred I felt hurt and sorry for myself and upset with my husband.  The next time it happened I began to notice the pattern.  Imagining his feelings was a revelation.  Of course returning to the pressures of life and career would make him withdraw -- his miserable life was waiting for him, and I still represented the things from which he wanted to escape.  Armed with the vision of what he was feeling allowed me to expect certain responses, and it gave us something specific to discuss together.  Recognizing the pattern allowed us to break free and truly move forward.

ANALYSIS

One of the most difficult things I had to face was the fact that my husband was in love with another woman.  Feelings of new love are very intense -- we all remember the overwhelming pull of infatuation.  I understood that setting boundaries was appropriate and necessary.  I wanted to draw the line here, for him to cut off all contact with other women.  He was not ready to do this.  He no longer intended to leave me to be with her, but his feelings still pulled him towards her.  I discovered that this particular boundary that I wanted so badly to enforce would have to be flexible for awhile. 

I don’t know, really, which boundaries should be flexible and which should be firm.  I do believe that stepping back and making an analysis of the situation without being guided by emotion can be very helpful.  I found that examining the life that would result from enforcing a firm boundary, and comparing it to living with a flexible boundary, allowed me to make a decision I was comfortable with.  In this case I knew that enforcing a boundary that my husband wasn’t prepared to live with (no contact with other women) could lead to him leaving, or to further deception.  On the other hand, if the boundary became flexible I knew that I would struggle with insecurity and wonder where his heart was.  But, I reasoned, if he were allowed to reach the point of complete fidelity on his own he would know for sure that his other relationships were over, and he would not have cause to resent me in the future for forcing him to act against his will.  I decided that a flexible boundary was best in this instance. 

Betrayal and addiction are by nature emotionally-charged, and stepping back to view the situation with cool detachment can be very difficult.  However, detached analysis has often been useful to prevent me from saying or doing something I would later regret.  I came to understand that my husband’s desire to escape wasn’t about me or even about the other woman.  It was really an overwhelming desire to run away from his miserable life and addiction. 

I also understand that dwelling on the past is not helpful.  There are times that I find myself obsessing over details associated with my husband’s betrayals.  Unanswered questions take over my thoughts and I become miserable.  Again, a detached analysis can rescue me from my turmoil.  Details about the past really do not matter.  I have enough information to understand what happened, and more detail only serves to create pain and suck me into a cycle of doubt and misery.  I believe that the past should not be used as a barometer for the future, or even the present.  Pushing aside past wrongs and present worries frees me to embrace our progress and look to a better future.  It really does.

The past year has been very difficult.  Along the way I felt impatient, wanting to know everything would be okay, and wanting it to be okay now.  Progress seemed dismally slow.  I wondered if I would survive and if I would ever see my husband emerge from the hell he was in.  Looking back I see that we have made great progress together.  One day at a time really works!  I am so grateful for this progress and I have great hope for our future.

My Boyfriend Looks at Porn and I Hate It

Tricia writes, "Ever since I was young enough to understand what pornography is, I've viewed it as something inappropriate and degrading. I am not religious at all--in fact I am atheist. Nonetheless, I have led my life by a very strict self-imposed moral code. 

"I've been hesitant to get into relationships with men who view pornography. From the very beginning, I make sure to bring this topic up and make my position on the matter clear. This is a challenge because most men look at pornography. I've concluded that those who say they don't are most likely lying.

"My current boyfriend assured me that he was quite disgusted by pornography and hadn't looked at it in years. I believed him. Our relationship progressed and I thought things were fine.

"Over time I had some problems trusting him. He would lie to me here and there about little things. I'd forgive him though we'd try to move on. However, sometimes I'd get this bad feeling inside that he was hiding something from me. I just couldn't understand it. I'd ask him if he looked at pornography and he'd say absolutely not. 

"The anxiety started to really get to me, so I decided to go to therapy. I figured it was just my own insecurities and I didn't want to make my boyfriend feel like I couldn't trust him. 

"Two years into our relationship, something awful happened. I found pornography on my his computer. I tried to let him redeem himself. I asked him if he was looking at pornography and he held me close and said he would never do that because he knows how it would hurt me. 

"I was furious. How could he lie right to my face about something so important to me? I told him what I'd seen on his computer. He tried to deny it initially, but eventually came clean. He told me he has been looking at it for the entirety of our relationship and just couldn't bring himself to tell me. He said that he'd always felt ashamed. He knew that if I ever found out I would be devastated and possibly leave him. Yet he did it anyway. 

"It has been really difficult for me to wrap my head around the whole thing. To realize how many times he has selfishly lied in order to get me and keep me in a relationship with him. If he had admitted that he looked at porn, I could have made up my own mind about what I wanted to do. Instead, he let me believe that he was the guy of my dreams who wasn't like other guys. I should have known better I guess. 

"He is willing to go to counseling and wants to change. I just don't know if I can go through what it might take to heal our relationship. I am feeling very lost. My anxiety is so extreme right now that I can't sleep. I can't focus at work. My mind races with horrible thoughts.

"I'm trying to deal with my anxiety in therapy. I want to progress on the path of healing and eventually trusting again.  Any words of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated."

Thanks for writing Tricia. Our heart goes out to you. I know that you've spoken for a many women. Here are some thoughts about your situation. I hope they're helpful.

Each one of us has a sentinel in our brain that monitors what we go through every day. It’s a nervous system alarm mechanism that’s sort of like a love watchdog, and it’s always on the lookout for signals about how our most important relationships is going.

Human development experts call it our attachment system. Those researchers who have come to know it best say that it switches on in the womb and operates until we die. The signals it sends us are both unmistakable--in fact, they're unignorable. Subjectively, they seem to come from the depths of our soul, which makes me suspect that there is more than just biology at work here.

This love watchdog, this sophisticated yet primal network within the nervous system, has a key purpose in our lives. It tells us whether everything’s okay our relationship with our primary attachment figure.

When I need him, is he there for me? If so, the sentinel screams out from the castle tower, “All is well!”

When I call, does he come? Another shout from the tower: “All is well!”

Is he as interested in me as I am in him? Nothing from the castle tower. Well, is he? I’m on pins and needles waiting for the sentinel’s signal.

Since we’ve been together I’ve been sexually exclusive. I’m drawn to him so I eschew chances to pursue other relationships. I’m content. He’s enough for me. Thoughts of sex with other people are less compelling to me than thoughts of sex with him. Even when I do find someone else attractive, I restrain my yearnings and fantasies. What we have together is too important. To flirt or fan the flames of lust for someone else would seem to strike at the heart of what I want to share only with him.

It’s been awfully quiet in there. Did he leave? There he is at the computer wide-eyed. He doesn't even hear that I’ve come in. What’s he working on that has him so engrossed? What?! Oh my, no!

Women don’t choose to be offended by porn. Their attachment system gives them no choice. Stress hormones are dumped into the nervous system. The question, “Is he into me the way I’m into him?” gets answered in the negative. He can say it’s not about that. Perhaps she can come to believe him on a logical level.

Nonetheless, the gates of her emotional security have been splintered to shreds. Porn is the battering ram that did the damage.

Fortunately, when both partners are willing, relationship security can be restored. There’s a lot that can be done to repair and rebuild. So much that Geoff Steurer and I have written an entire book about it. Here are some of the most important insights you’ll find in it:

1. Pornography can be a hard issue for any couple to work through. It's not necessarily that either spouse is handling it wrong. She keeps bringing it up--or needs to--because she's traumatized. He doesn't want to talk about it because he's so embarrassed.  Each reacts the way they do because the relationship is so important to them. Unfortunately, they’re each unintentionally depriving the other what they yearn for most from the relationship.

2. She needs him now more than ever. She's hurting; he's the most important person in her life, the one she naturally turns to when she's in need. Sure he feels rotten for putting her through this, but he doesn't have to let that prevent him from being the one who comes to her rescue now by listening when she needs to talk. His attentiveness now will mean more than anyone else’s, be it a friend, family member, ecclesiastical leader, or therapist.

3. His hesitance to talk doesn't mean he doesn't care. He feels more than he shows. In fact, he may be emotionally overloaded because he’s let her down. He may feel like he can't bear to discuss porn so much. He may freeze up when he thinks about admitting that he is tempted or that he gave in again. However, he can at least tell her why this is so: because she is the most important person in his life, the one he wants more than anything to please and measure up for!

4. He can learn to hear her hurt. Over time he begins to see that it draws them closer to talk about this topic that used to wedge them apart. He can take in--without always taking personally--what she's going through when she feels insecure in the middle of the day or night, when she lashes out or wants her space, or when the topic of sex reopens her wounds. As he takes in her pain and fear without getting defensive or pulling away, he becomes a healer for the relationship.

5. His relapses to porn are often fueled by feelings. An important step toward gaining control is becoming more aware of his emotional responses to everyday events. He can get into the habit of talking about what happened during his day and how he felt about it. Acknowledging feelings helps defuse their potential to convert into addictive impulses. This may be unfamiliar territory for him, but it becomes a tremendous relief to reach out (instead of acting out) in moments of emotional vulnerability. It also helps them bond as a couple.

6.  Reaching for each other is more healing when we make it habit. The wounds from porn are deeper when it was a frequent problem; healing must be even more regular. Couples can make it a daily ritual to draw close to one another by talking and touching first thing in the morning, during the day, when they reunite in the evening, and before going to sleep.

An interesting thing happens for couples as they apply these insights. It takes time, but somewhere along the way, as they continue to work at it, the attachment system in the betrayed partner’s brain is put at ease. From the depths of her soul she hears the cry from the lookout on castle wall… “All is well!” 

And it really is!

Many people don't realize that better relationships can help you kick a porn habit! Check out our free program: Love Heals Porn.