"Help! My Husband Is Moving on From Porn, But I Can't"

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Tracy writes, "I've been dealing with my husband's addiction for nine years. He has attended 12-step meetings, met with therapists and leaders in our church, and is now doing a three month program with a sponsor. He's doing his part!

"The bad news is, I'm not. I haven't taken care of myself. His progress leaves me feeling left out and behind, so now I'm mad at him about that, too.

"I recently started attending the spouse 12-step program meetings. It has helped me a lot but I'm still struggling with anger and hopelessness. I'm afraid to leave the house when he's home. I find myself doing everything I can to run all my errands before he gets home from work--including dragging all four of our children along. It's stressing me out!

"I haven't been excited about planning a getaway with him because I obsess about what he's looked at and how I will compare. Anyway, I'm not sure what I need. Why have I always felt guilt over my husband's addiction? I feel depressed and alone and isolated. I have started to open up to other people, but it's been hard.

"Any advice?"

Our hearts go out to you Tracy!

Your experience will be familiar to many other readers. What you're describing is common in several ways:

1. Your healing is on a different timetable than his.

It's not uncommon for women to feel like their progress in healing from trauma takes long than their husband's progress in recovering from his acting out behaviors.

Your husband decided to dive into his recovery whole hog, and it's wonderful that he did. I see so many people approach the process too casually. They have a hard time turning the momentum around and they flounder in the addiction for years.

But you've had a lot of other things going on in your life and may not have had the luxury of investing that kind of time and energy! Especially with young kids, the demands have been immense. It's good that you recognize now that you need to take better care of yourself, but please don't kick yourself for how it's gone so far. Your kids have been completely dependent on you. Your husband is not, and he's proven it: he has taken the bull by the horns even though your priority has not been the personal growth and development that goes along with addiction recovery for a spouse. The demands on you have been immense and your focus has been equally, or perhaps even more, important.

2. Wondering how he's doing makes it hard to focus on living your own life.

When the mind presents you with a worry or concern it seems impossible, and perhaps even unwise, to dismiss it and move on with your day. When your brain locks onto serious concerns that threaten your most important relationship and shatter your peace of mind, it doesn't want to let go. That makes sense. You can tell yourself, "Stop trying to make all the conditions just right for him to avoid going back to porn. Just go run your errands." But then when you walk out the door, the fear of "what if?" floods back in.

The great news is, your 12-step spouse support group will help you focus on your growth and needs. You'll hear other group members describe how they got free of the urge to monitor and control their spouses through the wise application of principles and practices such as surrender. It will be rewarding to share this journey with your husband because these are the same tools he has been using to strengthen his own recovery.

3. You can see the work he has done and the progress he's made, but at times you still feel as raw and vulnerable as when you first found out he was on porn. 

To help ease this struggle, I highly recommend psychotherapy. A few sessions of EMDR or Lifespan Integration can often convince the slowest healing part of the brain that your husband has proven his sincerity by way of ongoing effort and thus, your life with him truly has changed. To learn more about Lifespan Integration check out this post describing a typical session.

Readers, what other advice or encouragement would you give Tracy?