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We don't have to wait until our kids are old enough to roam online to take steps to reduce the likelihood of them later having a pornography problem or other addiction. Here are seven things we can do at an early age:
1. Check-In Daily About Their "Highs and Lows"
When they get home from school, at the dinner table, or when you tuck them into bed, ask "What was your high today?" It's a great window into what's important to them and can be a great conversation starter. Last night my daughter said, "We found out our class is in second place in the battle of the books!"
Then ask, "What was your low?" Last week my son answered, "I woke up with a headache. Then in History she called for our reports. I thought they were due Friday." This gives our kids a chance, on a routine basis, to share difficult experiences and put upset feelings into words.
When they talk about upset feelings, see if you can resist--for a while at least--the impulse to problem-solve. I could have asked my son, "How often do you check your syllabus? You should never be surprised by the due date of an assignment!" Those may be important topics to explore, but remember that we're hoping to use this time at the end of the day to help kids unwind and get stuff off their chest. Using moments like these to correct or teach them may decrease the likelihood they will keep opening up.
Also beware of the urge to reassure. When my younger son said his low was that his friends couldn't play that afternoon, I could have said, "I bet you found something fun to do on your own" or "Hopefully they'll be able to play tomorrow." The implication of such reassuring messages is, "I don't want you to feel bad about it." Instead I said, "Oh. That was disappointing I bet." That tells him, "It's okay to have a distressing emotion and talk about it. If you bring it up with me, I'll empathize with you rather than trying to get you over that feeling or tell you you're wrong for having it." When kids look to us and see that we aren't scared to sit with difficult feelings, they'll usually follow our lead and discover that they're strong enough to handle them as well.
2. Foot Rubs
When you watch animals gather back to the herd or pack or nest, they gather round and start grooming each other. They don't have TV, chocolate, or porn, so they have to rely on what they can get from each other: attention and touch.
Foot rubs are such healthy ways to meet our need for tenderness. At our house we use body butter so it's moist, slippery and soothing--and it even smells nice! There's nothing better than the healthy pleasure of a loving caress. When we feel out of sorts or emotionally off kilter, a foot rub can help ground us again. It must complete some sort of mental/emotional/spiritual circuit. I can speak from experience because I love getting a foot rub as much as my kids do.
3. Juicies and Squishies
Jucies and squishies are our family's terms for kisses and hugs. Give them freely--upon awakening, before leaving for school, upon arrival back home, at bedtime. The more hugs and kisses get exchanged, the more likely kids will come to us or another real human being later when they're in need instead of some unhealthy or addictive outlet. And they will be in need on a regular basis.
When one of my sons was nearing the end high school, I was disheartened to realize that I had stopped giving him juicies and squishies. Somehow I'd let the habit fall by the wayside. Dang! What could I do about it now? I decided that I would just start up again as though I'd never quit. I started with a quick hug and a peck on the forehead the next time I saw him. The first few times it felt very awkward. What's he thinking about this? I wondered. Dad's a nerd? Well, what else is new. It's been half a decade since then and when he walked in the door last Sunday for his grandpa's birthday party I walked over and gave him a big hug. I'm so glad I didn't let the drought continue.
If there's a drought in your family, consider taking a leap of faith today and try out for yourself the quick hug and peck on the forehead. Then keep it up until it becomes second nature again.
4. Read the Book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Together
Perhaps your kids have already come across inappropriate material on the internet. If not, they surely will. Talking and learning together about pornography will take the confusion out of it when kids see it for themselves. Kids of all ages can get something out of Kristen Jenson's fantastic book.
I read the book with my 8- and 10-year-old and they stayed engaged throughout. They weren't embarrassed or uncomfortable. They learned that we have two parts to our brains, the thinking brain that is more civilized and the feeling brain that is more impulsive. They learned that their choices will determine which brain is in the driver's seat, and that addictions of all kinds are possible if we let the feeling brain run the show.
Most importantly, they were reminded that they can talk to Mom and Dad if something like pornography troubles them. They don't need to let the shocking nature of the pictures lead them to keep them secret. They don't need to be embarrassed if they feel curious and think about what else they could find online. By normalizing kids' reactions to porn and teaching them what to do if they are exposed, I think this book will be an invaluable influence in their lives. It may just help them avoid the trap of addiction.
5. Coach them to Speak Up and Stand Up for Themselves
At various points in their lives our kids will need to stand up to compelling outside triggers (sexual content in the media) and compelling inside urges (sexual desire). Saying no to these potent forces is easier for kids who have practice taking a stand in other important ways.
My daughter didn't want to go back to her teacher and admit, "I picked the wrong book for my big report. It's boring and too long and as I read I completely lose interest." She felt too embarrassed so the first few times we talked about it, she decided to just suck it up and keep trying. But the tearful nights complaining to us as parents continued. It was too late to make a change, she insisted. Well, we responded, you'll only know for sure if you ask. Then one evening, she excitedly showed me her new book, Out of the Dust and told me of the challenges Billie Jo and her family faced living on a farm in Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl years. The smile on her face came from more than the change in books; she had the satisfaction of knowing she'd mustered the courage to speak up. She'd learned that you can get more of your needs met when you advocate for yourself.
One of our sons used to crumble when he was criticized or a sibling spoke sharply to him. We knew that life was going to throw a lot more at him than insensitive siblings. We coached him to challenge his brothers in a spunky way when they were being intense. Now instead of sulking he's developed a thicker skin. I wondered if we'd gone too far the other day when his brother got on his case about how he handled the dog and he came back at him like a trash-talking athlete. Nonetheless, it's good to see that he's better prepared to hold his own in life instead of needing Mom or Dad to intervene. He's becoming a kid who can say no to others, and hopefully, in the process, developing the mental muscle to say no to his own unwieldy impulses and cravings.
6. Manage Kids' Internet Access and Use
I asked my brother, Darrel, to share helpful tips with us non-tech-savvy parents. He's a computer guru and developer of these fun iPhone and iPad apps. He was kind enough to write up this section:
Be aware that game controllers can often access internet. TVs now come with the ability to access online content including Amazon, Hulu and Netflix. Look around and see which devices in your child's life can give them access to parts of the world you don't want them to have. Also, consider these resources:
1. Circle with Disney is a little box you hook up to your router that automatically filters the internet going out to the mobile devices attached to your wifi. You can also use it to limit the amount of time per day and the times of day kids can be online. It's $100 to purchase the device outright so there's no monthly fee and you can manage it easily using an app on your smartphone. The big downside: phones can quickly be taken off wifi and will no longer be filtered, nor will home computers that have wired connection to the internet.
2. Family Protector ($5/month) installs a Mobile Device Management (MDM) app that will control phones and other devices regardless of what kind of connection they have or where the device is. You set up profiles for each child based on their age and the access you choose to grant them ranging from 1-4: 1. No Internet, 2. By Request (you click yes or no to each site they ask to access), 3. Monitored, or 4. Unmonitored. Then you assign devices to the child or children who use them.
It's nice not to have to set each device. To let a child use a phone, just drag that device to his/her profile and instantly it is restricted. It's fun to watch the apps disappear if the child is below the age you've approved to use that app. Then when you want the phone back, drag the device out of their profile, the restrictions are taken off, and the apps come back. You can turn the camera off and restrict apps and in app purchases. You can set a curfew that shuts down their access, set other schedule restrictions during the day, or give them a "time out" during which all devices will be blocked to them.
Limitations: Family Protector works by removing the web browser on devices and replacing it with their own. A savvy child can install a browser like Chrome to get around the filter. Just watch for this by checking the long list of apps installed on each device from the Family Protector dashboard. This app list is a nice feature--no more hunting through folders trying to see what apps are installed. Quite an eye opener as a parent! Unfortunately Family Protector doesn't let you track texts or see what pictures have been taken.
3. Apple and Windows computers will let you set up user accounts with differing levels of restrictions. Letting your child have their own account separate from your admin account will not only protect your child but also your computer. Only admin accounts can install software without a password, so viruses won't be installed on non-admin accounts. We set up accounts for our children to use the internet where we have to put in a password for each new website the child wants to see. They usually go to the same sites over and over so we don't end up having to put in our password very often. This method only works if you log out of your account every time you leave the computer.
7. Encourage Broad Interests
It's natural for kids to specialize in their favorite pastime. For one it may be collecting Pokemon cards, for another creating furniture for her American Girl doll. Too many children, left to their own devices (pun intended) gravitate toward a specialty that involves a screen.
This video by Nature Valley snacks asked three generations--grandparents, parents, and young children, "When you were a kid, what did you do for fun?"
The grandparents remembered picking blueberries, growing watermelons and plantains, creating a toboggan from an old sign. One even recalled discovering that he was being watched by a black bear as he wrapped up a successful day of fishing.
Their grown children recalled building makeshift forts and recruiting neighborhood kids for games of baseball or hide-and-seek.
Then it was the grandkids' turn: "Video games, definitely." "I like to go on my phone." "Text. Some email." "My favorite thing to do in the world is definitely watching videos and playing video games. Those take up so much of my time."
There were clear signs of dependency. One child said, "Just last week, I watched 23 episodes of a TV series in less than four days.... Whenever I'd feel upset, I'd play video games and I'd feel normal." Another: "I forget I'm in the house, I have parents, I have a sister, I have a dog. I just think I'm in the video game. I completely get lost." One admits: "I would die if I don't have my tablet."
It's up to us as parents to stem this tide. Turn off the screens, take away the devices, and send them outside. Or perhaps send them outside with their devices. Every summer our kids rediscover the fun of making videos of natural disasters destroying miniature cities in the sandbox or action scenes as they play bicycle polo or chase each other like ninjas around the back yard.
When our kids complain they're bored, it's a sign they're on the right track. Boredom is the mother of creativity, which in turn is the mother of fulfillment.
Girl Scouting, Cub Scouting, and 4-H Clubs expose kids to a broad array of potential interests. Any kid who has toured the fire station, shot a bow and arrow, and made cinnamon rolls from scratch for an elderly neighbor is on their way to being well-rounded.
Please share below your ideas for strengthening kids' immunity to porn.
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