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Monday, February 29, 2016

Instead of Masturbating Do One of These 3 Things--You'll Love It!

If this week is typical, I'll hear from several clients that, despite feeling determined and motivated most days, in a weak moment on a bad day they ended up masturbating. Most of them will have looked at porn first.

Sometimes the mind is so set on indulging there's no chance to consider alternatives. At other times there's a little window where you're still strong enough to take the fork in the road. In such fortunate moments, I suggest these three alternatives as possibilities:

1. Self-Soothing Touch

Pat, hug, or caress yourself for comfort. You can do this during intense or stressful moments throughout the day or when you finally get a break and have a chance to zone out for a minute or two. Engage in these actions with the same awareness and intention you would touch someone you have deep and loving feelings for--after all, that's hopefully what you are becoming: someone who loves yourself completely.
  • Give yourself a hug by grabbing your own shoulders or triceps. Hold it for a while.
  • Tenderly touch your face with one hand or both hands.
  • Cross an arm over your lap and gently pat the opposite leg with your fingers or palm.
  • Reach your hand up to the V opening made by your shirt and gently touch your neck where it meets your shoulders and chest.
  • Rest one arm across your body and gently pat that forearm with your opposite hand.
  • Run your fingers through your hair and scratch your scalp.
  • As you fold your arms, try holding onto your opposite arms the way you would gently hold onto an elderly person you are helping to steady as they walk. 
  • Rub your own neck and shoulders by lightly brushing over them or kneading them with a bit more pressure. 
2. Positive Self Love

As amazing as it may seem if you're used to putting yourself down and feeling bad about yourself, you really can train your mind to treat yourself in more loving ways. In the book, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It, Kamal Ravikant shares a wonderfully simple meditation practice that can help the mind replace old self-defeating mental loops with a more fitting one: "I love myself." Here are the basic instructions:

Step 1: Put on music. Something soothing, gentle, preferably instrumental. A piece you have positive associations with.

Step 2: Sit with back against wall or window. Cross legs or stretch them out, whatever feels natural.

Step 3: Close eyes. Smile slowly. Imagine a beam of light pouring into your head from above.

Step 4: Breathe in, say to yourself in your mind, I love myself. Slowly. Be gentle with yourself.

Step 5: Breathe out and along with it, anything that arises. Any thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories, fears, hopes, desires. Or nothing. Breathe it out. No judgment, no attachment to anything. Be kind to yourself.

Step 6: Repeat 4 and 5 until the music ends.

(When your attention wanders, notice it and smile. Smile at it as if it's a child doing what a child does. And with that smile, return to your breath. Step 4, step 5. Mind wanders, notice, smile kindly, return to step 4, step 5).

Ravikant's book is a quick read--took me an hour or so. Check it out for more guidance on developing the habit of loving yourself.

3. Skin Time

Sometimes I encourage couples to spend 20 minutes a day lying together spooning or embracing each other, preferably without clothes on. Not as a prelude to sex--make sure it doesn't become that or it will ruin the effect. It's just a time to connect at an even more primal and basic level. It enables us to let go of the tensions and demands of the day and let the body find its own natural, restorative rhythm.

Last year I heard back from a couple I worked with years ago. "We're still doing 'skin time' every day." They still had their struggles, but the bonding and soothing they experienced during those 20 minutes together every day played a big role in helping them weather all of their personal and relationship storms.

Animals that aren't "gentled" after they're born don't thrive. Gentling is the physical touch and nurturing that mothers, fathers, and surrogate caretakers provide. For most animals it entails licking, handling, being rolled over, pressed and caressed. Animals that aren't gentled have a harder time bonding with their own offspring. And, guess what, those animals also have more sexual problems. I'm not kidding!

Animals have a very small window during which they can benefit from gentling and imprinting. I'm convinced that, for us human beings, it's never too late to receive gentling. This is why, in my post about what to do when kids are young to prevent porn problems later, I encourage parents to kiss, hug, put their arms around, and rub the feet of kids even as they grow older. After reading that post and trying it out, here's what one mom wrote:

"Thanks for the suggestions. I especially appreciated the reminder to give foot rubs. My teenager doesn't let me get close anymore, but I just tried it out and it worked like a charm. We even had a conversation!"

I hope that one of these three alternatives will help the next time you're tempted. Let us know how it goes--or what else you on track when the pull of cravings is strong.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

"Help! My Husband Is Moving on From Porn, But I Can't"

[Photo credit:https://stocksnap.io/photo/XB78WQK09O]

Tracy writes, "I've been dealing with my husband's addiction for nine years. He has attended 12-step meetings, met with therapists and leaders in our church, and is now doing a three month program with a sponsor. He's doing his part!

"The bad news is, I'm not. I haven't taken care of myself. His progress leaves me feeling left out and behind, so now I'm mad at him about that, too.

"I recently started attending the spouse 12-step program meetings. It has helped me a lot but I'm still struggling with anger and hopelessness. I'm afraid to leave the house when he's home. I find myself doing everything I can to run all my errands before he gets home from work--including dragging all four of our children along. It's stressing me out!

"I haven't been excited about planning a getaway with him because I obsess about what he's looked at and how I will compare. Anyway, I'm not sure what I need. Why have I always felt guilt over my husband's addiction? I feel depressed and alone and isolated. I have started to open up to other people, but it's been hard.

"Any advice?"

Our hearts go out to you Tracy!

Your experience will be familiar to many other readers. What you're describing is common in several ways:

1. Your healing is on a different timetable than his.

It's not uncommon for women to feel like their progress in healing from trauma takes long than their husband's progress in recovering from his acting out behaviors.

Your husband decided to dive into his recovery whole hog, and it's wonderful that he did. I see so many people approach the process too casually. They have a hard time turning the momentum around and they flounder in the addiction for years.

But you've had a lot of other things going on in your life and may not have had the luxury of investing that kind of time and energy! Especially with young kids, the demands have been immense. It's good that you recognize now that you need to take better care of yourself, but please don't kick yourself for how it's gone so far. Your kids have been completely dependent on you. Your husband is not, and he's proven it: he has taken the bull by the horns even though your priority has not been the personal growth and development that goes along with addiction recovery for a spouse. The demands on you have been immense and your focus has been equally, or perhaps even more, important.

2. Wondering how he's doing makes it hard to focus on living your own life.


When the mind presents you with a worry or concern it seems impossible, and perhaps even unwise, to dismiss it and move on with your day. When your brain locks onto serious concerns that threaten your most important relationship and shatter your peace of mind, it doesn't want to let go. That makes sense. You can tell yourself, "Stop trying to make all the conditions just right for him to avoid going back to porn. Just go run your errands." But then when you walk out the door, the fear of "what if?" floods back in.

The great news is, your 12-step spouse support group will help you focus on your growth and needs. You'll hear other group members describe how they got free of the urge to monitor and control their spouses through the wise application of principles and practices such as surrender. It will be rewarding to share this journey with your husband because these are the same tools he has been using to strengthen his own recovery.

3. You can see the work he has done and the progress he's made, but at times you still feel as raw and vulnerable as when you first found out he was on porn. 

To help ease this struggle, I highly recommend psychotherapy. A few sessions of EMDR or Lifespan Integration can often convince the slowest healing part of the brain that your husband has proven his sincerity by way of ongoing effort and thus, your life with him truly has changed. To learn more about Lifespan Integration check out this post describing a typical session.

Readers, what other advice or encouragement would you give Tracy?

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Early Porn Prevention -- 7 Things to Do When Kids Are Young

[photo credit:https://stocksnap.io/photo/TFE3QMW4XY]

We don't have to wait until our kids are old enough to roam online to take steps to reduce the likelihood of them later having a pornography problem or other addiction. Here are seven things we can do at an early age:

1. Check-In Daily About Their "Highs and Lows"

When they get home from school, at the dinner table, or when you tuck them into bed, ask "What was your high today?" It's a great window into what's important to them and can be a great conversation starter. Last night my daughter said, "We found out our class is in second place in the battle of the books!"

Then ask, "What was your low?" Last week my son answered, "I woke up with a headache. Then in History she called for our reports. I thought they were due Friday." This gives our kids a chance, on a routine basis, to share difficult experiences and put upset feelings into words.

When they talk about upset feelings, see if you can resist--for a while at least--the impulse to problem-solve. I could have asked my son, "How often do you check your syllabus? You should never be surprised by the due date of an assignment!" Those may be important topics to explore, but remember that we're hoping to use this time at the end of the day to help kids unwind and get stuff off their chest. Using moments like these to correct or teach them may decrease the likelihood they will keep opening up.

Also beware of the urge to reassure. When my younger son said his low was that his friends couldn't play that afternoon, I could have said, "I bet you found something fun to do on your own" or "Hopefully they'll be able to play tomorrow." The implication of such reassuring messages is, "I don't want you to feel bad about it." Instead I said, "Oh. That was disappointing I bet." That tells him, "It's okay to have a distressing emotion and talk about it. If you bring it up with me, I'll empathize with you rather than trying to get you over that feeling or tell you you're wrong for having it." When kids look to us and see that we aren't scared to sit with difficult feelings, they'll usually follow our lead and discover that they're strong enough to handle them as well.

2. Foot Rubs

When you watch animals gather back to the herd or pack or nest, they gather round and start grooming each other. They don't have TV, chocolate, or porn, so they have to rely on what they can get from each other: attention and touch.

Foot rubs are such healthy ways to meet our need for tenderness. At our house we use body butter so it's moist, slippery and soothing--and it even smells nice! There's nothing better than the healthy pleasure of a loving caress. When we feel out of sorts or emotionally off kilter, a foot rub can help ground us again. It must complete some sort of mental/emotional/spiritual circuit. I can speak from experience because I love getting a foot rub as much as my kids do.

3. Juicies and Squishies

Jucies and squishies are our family's terms for kisses and hugs. Give them freely--upon awakening, before leaving for school, upon arrival back home, at bedtime. The more hugs and kisses get exchanged, the more likely kids will come to us or another real human being later when they're in need instead of some unhealthy or addictive outlet. And they will be in need on a regular basis.

When one of my sons was nearing the end high school, I was disheartened to realize that I had stopped giving him juicies and squishies. Somehow I'd let the habit fall by the wayside. Dang! What could I do about it now? I decided that I would just start up again as though I'd never quit. I started with a quick hug and a peck on the forehead the next time I saw him. The first few times it felt very awkward. What's he thinking about this? I wondered. Dad's a nerd? Well, what else is new. It's been half a decade since then and when he walked in the door last Sunday for his grandpa's birthday party I walked over and gave him a big hug. I'm so glad I didn't let the drought continue.

If there's a drought in your family, consider taking a leap of faith today and try out for yourself the quick hug and peck on the forehead. Then keep it up until it becomes second nature again.

4. Read the Book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Together

Perhaps your kids have already come across inappropriate material on the internet. If not, they surely will. Talking and learning together about pornography will take the confusion out of it when kids see it for themselves. Kids of all ages can get something out of Kristen Jenson's fantastic book.

I read the book with my 8- and 10-year-old and they stayed engaged throughout. They weren't embarrassed or uncomfortable. They learned that we have two parts to our brains, the thinking brain that is more civilized and the feeling brain that is more impulsive. They learned that their choices will determine which brain is in the driver's seat, and that addictions of all kinds are possible if we let the feeling brain run the show.

Most importantly, they were reminded that they can talk to Mom and Dad if something like pornography troubles them. They don't need to let the shocking nature of the pictures lead them to keep them secret. They don't need to be embarrassed if they feel curious and think about what else they could find online. By normalizing kids' reactions to porn and teaching them what to do if they are exposed, I think this book will be an invaluable influence in their lives. It may just help them avoid the trap of addiction.

5. Coach them to Speak Up and Stand Up for Themselves

At various points in their lives our kids will need to stand up to compelling outside triggers (sexual content in the media) and compelling inside urges (sexual desire). Saying no to these potent forces is easier for kids who have practice taking a stand in other important ways.

My daughter didn't want to go back to her teacher and admit, "I picked the wrong book for my big report. It's boring and too long and as I read I completely lose interest." She felt too embarrassed so the first few times we talked about it, she decided to just suck it up and keep trying. But the tearful nights complaining to us as parents continued. It was too late to make a change, she insisted. Well, we responded, you'll only know for sure if you ask. Then one evening, she excitedly showed me her new book, Out of the Dust and told me of the challenges Billie Jo and her family faced living on a farm in Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl years. The smile on her face came from more than the change in books; she had the satisfaction of knowing she'd mustered the courage to speak up. She'd learned that you can get more of your needs met when you advocate for yourself.

One of our sons used to crumble when he was criticized or a sibling spoke sharply to him. We knew that life was going to throw a lot more at him than insensitive siblings. We coached him to challenge his brothers in a spunky way when they were being intense. Now instead of sulking he's developed a thicker skin. I wondered if we'd gone too far the other day when his brother got on his case about how he handled the dog and he came back at him like a trash-talking athlete. Nonetheless, it's good to see that he's better prepared to hold his own in life instead of needing Mom or Dad to intervene. He's becoming a kid who can say no to others, and hopefully, in the process, developing the mental muscle to say no to his own unwieldy impulses and cravings.

6. Manage Kids' Internet Access and Use

I asked my brother, Darrel, to share helpful tips with us non-tech-savvy parents. He's a computer guru and developer of these fun iPhone and iPad apps. He was kind enough to write up this section:

Be aware that game controllers can often access internet. TVs now come with the ability to access online content including Amazon, Hulu and Netflix. Look around and see which devices in your child's life can give them access to parts of the world you don't want them to have. Also, consider these resources:

1. Circle with Disney is a little box you hook up to your router that automatically filters the internet going out to the mobile devices attached to your wifi. You can also use it to limit the amount of time per day and the times of day kids can be online. It's $100 to purchase the device outright so there's no monthly fee and you can manage it easily using an app on your smartphone. The big downside: phones can quickly be taken off wifi and will no longer be filtered, nor will home computers that have wired connection to the internet.

2. Family Protector ($5/month) installs a Mobile Device Management (MDM) app that will control phones and other devices regardless of what kind of connection they have or where the device is. You set up profiles for each child based on their age and the access you choose to grant them ranging from 1-4: 1. No Internet, 2. By Request (you click yes or no to each site they ask to access), 3. Monitored, or 4. Unmonitored. Then you assign devices to the child or children who use them.

It's nice not to have to set each device. To let a child use a phone, just drag that device to his/her profile and instantly it is restricted. It's fun to watch the apps disappear if the child is below the age you've approved to use that app. Then when you want the phone back, drag the device out of their profile, the restrictions are taken off, and the apps come back. You can turn the camera off and restrict apps and in app purchases. You can set a curfew that shuts down their access, set other schedule restrictions during the day, or give them a "time out" during which all devices will be blocked to them.

Limitations: Family Protector works by removing the web browser on devices and replacing it with their own. A savvy child can install a browser like Chrome to get around the filter. Just watch for this by checking the long list of apps installed on each device from the Family Protector dashboard. This app list is a nice feature--no more hunting through folders trying to see what apps are installed. Quite an eye opener as a parent! Unfortunately Family Protector doesn't let you track texts or see what pictures have been taken.

3. Apple and Windows computers will let you set up user accounts with differing levels of restrictions. Letting your child have their own account separate from your admin account will not only protect your child but also your computer. Only admin accounts can install software without a password, so viruses won't be installed on non-admin accounts. We set up accounts for our children to use the internet where we have to put in a password for each new website the child wants to see. They usually go to the same sites over and over so we don't end up having to put in our password very often. This method only works if you log out of your account every time you leave the computer.

7. Encourage Broad Interests

It's natural for kids to specialize in their favorite pastime. For one it may be collecting Pokemon cards, for another creating furniture for her American Girl doll. Too many children, left to their own devices (pun intended) gravitate toward a specialty that involves a screen.

This video by Nature Valley snacks asked three generations--grandparents, parents, and young children, "When you were a kid, what did you do for fun?"

The grandparents remembered picking blueberries, growing watermelons and plantains, creating a toboggan from an old sign. One even recalled discovering that he was being watched by a black bear as he wrapped up a successful day of fishing.

Their grown children recalled building makeshift forts and recruiting neighborhood kids for games of baseball or hide-and-seek.

Then it was the grandkids' turn: "Video games, definitely." "I like to go on my phone." "Text. Some email." "My favorite thing to do in the world is definitely watching videos and playing video games. Those take up so much of my time."

There were clear signs of dependency. One child said, "Just last week, I watched 23 episodes of a TV series in less than four days.... Whenever I'd feel upset, I'd play video games and I'd feel normal." Another: "I forget I'm in the house, I have parents, I have a sister, I have a dog. I just think I'm in the video game. I completely get lost." One admits: "I would die if I don't have my tablet."

It's up to us as parents to stem this tide. Turn off the screens, take away the devices, and send them outside. Or perhaps send them outside with their devices. Every summer our kids rediscover the fun of making videos of natural disasters destroying miniature cities in the sandbox or action scenes as they play bicycle polo or chase each other like ninjas around the back yard.

When our kids complain they're bored, it's a sign they're on the right track. Boredom is the mother of creativity, which in turn is the mother of fulfillment.

Girl ScoutingCub Scouting, and 4-H Clubs expose kids to a broad array of potential interests. Any kid who has toured the fire station, shot a bow and arrow, and made cinnamon rolls from scratch for an elderly neighbor is on their way to being well-rounded.

Please share below your ideas for strengthening kids' immunity to porn. 

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Drag Your Brain Kicking and Screaming into Your Amazing Future

[Photo credit: https://stocksnap.io/photo/820A2B4E00]

That amazing future starts NOW. With the choice not to pursue the easy bliss of relishing sexy thoughts about strangers. Here's why...

Porn, Masturbation, and the Zeigernik Effect

When you opt for the easy bliss of relishing sexy thoughts about strangers, the Zeigernik effect kicks in. Bluma Zeigernik was a Soviet psychologist who noticed that waiters could remember what diners ordered up until they paid their bill, but then quickly forgot. Based on that observation, she articulated this more general truth: we will continue to experience dissonance until we complete an objective we've begun to pursue. If we try to turn our focus to other goals, intrusive thoughts will haunt us and hound us until we go back and wrap up the unfinished business.

Relishing sexy thoughts about strangers whips the Malamutes of your mind into a frenzy. They take off down a path and heave the dogsled of your body to follow.

That's why porn and masturbation go together, as the song from Grease puts it, like rama lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong... and will always always be like one, wa wa wa one.

Every now and then I have a client who takes pride in viewing porn without following through on the urge to masturbate. One said to me recently, "I saw some things online, but I didn't act out." The problem is, ingesting porn without masturbating--or viewing a lot of porn before masturbating--only serves to heighten the Zeigernik Effect.

In fact, I've wondered if people who view porn and more readily masturbate to it may have an easier time overcoming the habit than those who prolong the process because those who just get it over with haven't spent so much time in dissonance--the dissonance of holding their body back from doing what their mind has been eagerly anticipating.

By pursuing the easy bliss of entertaining sexy thoughts about strangers, they give the brain a ton of business and ask it to tolerate not finishing it. Just let that unfinished business sit incomplete. Let the domino tilt but then hold; smell the cake, maybe even take a bite, but don't swirl your tongue or swallow.

Couples who refrain from sex before marriage know all about this. The longer they go, the more eager they are to consummate. The Zeigernik Effect is one of the ingredients that helps them fall more and more deeply in love.

When we relish sexy thoughts about strangers we know the brain will be wanting to complete the loop and come full circle to climax. And thus we sign up, for the umpteenth time, for mission impossible. And, unfortunately, the compulsive part of our brain falls more and more madly in love with masturbating to porn-fueled fantasies.

Your Amazing Future Starts Now


Fortunately, we have options. We are comprised of more than our Malamute brains. Our soul is still alive and well. Instead of being dragged, WE can do the dragging.

Your brain wants a quick and easy fix. But you can take a minute to look out the window and consider what else you might do for a break right now besides getting online. You might take a walk or a drive. You might decide what to make for dinner or which flowers to plant where this spring. You might break out your sketch pad and doodle.

Your brain wants excitement. But if you know that reaching your goal of becoming a pharmacist requires passing Chemistry 101 this semester, you can drag your brain kicking and screaming to the library for an hour or so, even when it sounds like the most boring thing in the world.

Your brain wants to dwell on your comfort and pleasure. But you can crack open your Bible on Wednesday afternoon, think about the members of your Sunday School class, and pray to know what one or two of them might need to hear this week.

Your brain tells you not to take risks. But you can flirt with your wife and channel all your sexual energy in her direction. When she says sorry, she's not coming to bed yet, instead of pouting like your brain wants you to, you can enjoy that you were genuine with her instead of pretending you don't long for a more connection.

Your brain says sex with your wife isn't as passionate as relishing sexy thoughts about strangers. But when lovemaking starts to feel routine and mechanical, you can remind yourself that it may take a while for your brain to adjust to this porn-free way of life. You can get her attention and look her in the eye. You can interrupt what you're doing and just hold each other. You can hold out and keep your eyes open and interest piqued for the joys of sexual intimacy only available to monogamous couples.

Your brain will know, of course, that you're barking up the wrong tree. It will scream that its path is SO much better than the dingy one you're starting to trudge. Your brain's not stupid! It wants no part of this life!

But you--your body + spirit = soul--have been dragged along by your brain enough times to know there's no escaping the mouthful of sand you always swallow in the bleak desert just beyond the seeming oasis of relishing sexy thoughts about strangers.

Are you ready to trust that, despite the challenges, despite how your brain will kick and scream along the way, the creative, at-times-boring, selfless, vulnerable, deeply-connected life is actually, in the long run, a much better life?

Trust that, live that, and your future will amaze you.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Early Porn Prevention -- 7 Things to Do When Kids Are Young

[photo credit:https://stocksnap.io/photo/TFE3QMW4XY]

We don't have to wait until our kids are old enough to roam online to take steps to reduce the likelihood of them later having a pornography problem or other addiction. Here are seven things we can do at an early age:

1. Check-In Daily About Their "Highs and Lows"

When they get home from school, at the dinner table, or when you tuck them into bed, ask "What was your high today?" It's a great window into what's important to them and can be a great conversation starter. Last night my daughter said, "We found out our class is in second place in the battle of the books!"

Then ask, "What was your low?" Last week my son answered, "I woke up with a headache. Then in History she called for our reports. I thought they were due Friday." This gives our kids a chance, on a routine basis, to share difficult experiences and put upset feelings into words.

When they talk about upset feelings, see if you can resist--for a while at least--the impulse to problem-solve. I could have asked my son, "How often do you check your syllabus? You should never be surprised by the due date of an assignment!" Those may be important topics to explore, but remember that we're hoping to use this time at the end of the day to help kids unwind and get stuff off their chest. Using moments like these to correct or teach them may decrease the likelihood they will keep opening up.

Also beware of the urge to reassure. When my younger son said his low was that his friends couldn't play that afternoon, I could have said, "I bet you found something fun to do on your own" or "Hopefully they'll be able to play tomorrow." The implication of such reassuring messages is, "I don't want you to feel bad about it." Instead I said, "Oh. That was disappointing I bet." That tells him, "It's okay to have a distressing emotion and talk about it. If you bring it up with me, I'll empathize with you rather than trying to get you over that feeling or tell you you're wrong for having it." When kids look to us and see that we aren't scared to sit with difficult feelings, they'll usually follow our lead and discover that they're strong enough to handle them as well.

2. Foot Rubs

When you watch animals gather back to the herd or pack or nest, they gather round and start grooming each other. They don't have TV, chocolate, or porn, so they have to rely on what they can get from each other: attention and touch.

Foot rubs are such healthy ways to meet our need for tenderness. At our house we use body butter so it's moist, slippery and soothing--and it even smells nice! There's nothing better than the healthy pleasure of a loving caress. When we feel out of sorts or emotionally off kilter, a foot rub can help ground us again. It must complete some sort of mental/emotional/spiritual circuit. I can speak from experience because I love getting a foot rub as much as my kids do.

3. Juicies and Squishies

Jucies and squishies are our family's terms for kisses and hugs. Give them freely--upon awakening, before leaving for school, upon arrival back home, at bedtime. The more hugs and kisses get exchanged, the more likely kids will come to us or another real human being later when they're in need instead of some unhealthy or addictive outlet. And they will be in need on a regular basis.

When one of my sons was nearing the end high school, I was disheartened to realize that I had stopped giving him juicies and squishies. Somehow I'd let the habit fall by the wayside. Dang! What could I do about it now? I decided that I would just start up again as though I'd never quit. I started with a quick hug and a peck on the forehead the next time I saw him. The first few times it felt very awkward. What's he thinking about this? I wondered. Dad's a nerd? Well, what else is new. It's been half a decade since then and when he walked in the door last Sunday for his grandpa's birthday party I walked over and gave him a big hug. I'm so glad I didn't let the drought continue.

If there's a drought in your family, consider taking a leap of faith today and try out for yourself the quick hug and peck on the forehead. Then keep it up until it becomes second nature again.

4. Read the Book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Together

Perhaps your kids have already come across inappropriate material on the internet. If not, they surely will. Talking and learning together about pornography will take the confusion out of it when kids see it for themselves. Kids of all ages can get something out of Kristen Jenson's fantastic book.

I read the book with my 8- and 10-year-old and they stayed engaged throughout. They weren't embarrassed or uncomfortable. They learned that we have two parts to our brains, the thinking brain that is more civilized and the feeling brain that is more impulsive. They learned that their choices will determine which brain is in the driver's seat, and that addictions of all kinds are possible if we let the feeling brain run the show.

Most importantly, they were reminded that they can talk to Mom and Dad if something like pornography troubles them. They don't need to let the shocking nature of the pictures lead them to keep them secret. They don't need to be embarrassed if they feel curious and think about what else they could find online. By normalizing kids' reactions to porn and teaching them what to do if they are exposed, I think this book will be an invaluable influence in their lives. It may just help them avoid the trap of addiction.

5. Coach them to Speak Up and Stand Up for Themselves

At various points in their lives our kids will need to stand up to compelling outside triggers (sexual content in the media) and compelling inside urges (sexual desire). Saying no to these potent forces is easier for kids who have practice taking a stand in other important ways.

My daughter didn't want to go back to her teacher and admit, "I picked the wrong book for my big report. It's boring and too long and as I read I completely lose interest." She felt too embarrassed so the first few times we talked about it, she decided to just suck it up and keep trying. But the tearful nights complaining to us as parents continued. It was too late to make a change, she insisted. Well, we responded, you'll only know for sure if you ask. Then one evening, she excitedly showed me her new book, Out of the Dust and told me of the challenges Billie Jo and her family faced living on a farm in Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl years. The smile on her face came from more than the change in books; she had the satisfaction of knowing she'd mustered the courage to speak up. She'd learned that you can get more of your needs met when you advocate for yourself.

One of our sons used to crumble when he was criticized or a sibling spoke sharply to him. We knew that life was going to throw a lot more at him than insensitive siblings. We coached him to challenge his brothers in a spunky way when they were being intense. Now instead of sulking he's developed a thicker skin. I wondered if we'd gone too far the other day when his brother got on his case about how he handled the dog and he came back at him like a trash-talking athlete. Nonetheless, it's good to see that he's better prepared to hold his own in life instead of needing Mom or Dad to intervene. He's becoming a kid who can say no to others, and hopefully, in the process, developing the mental muscle to say no to his own unwieldy impulses and cravings.

6. Manage Kids' Internet Access and Use

I asked my brother, Darrel, to share helpful tips with us non-tech-savvy parents. He's a computer guru and developer of these fun iPhone and iPad apps. He was kind enough to write up this section:

Be aware that game controllers can often access internet. TVs now come with the ability to access online content including Amazon, Hulu and Netflix. Look around and see which devices in your child's life can give them access to parts of the world you don't want them to have. Also, consider these resources:

1. Circle with Disney is a little box you hook up to your router that automatically filters the internet going out to the mobile devices attached to your wifi. You can also use it to limit the amount of time per day and the times of day kids can be online. It's $100 to purchase the device outright so there's no monthly fee and you can manage it easily using an app on your smartphone. The big downside: phones can quickly be taken off wifi and will no longer be filtered, nor will home computers that have wired connection to the internet.

2. Family Protector ($5/month) installs a Mobile Device Management (MDM) app that will control phones and other devices regardless of what kind of connection they have or where the device is. You set up profiles for each child based on their age and the access you choose to grant them ranging from 1-4: 1. No Internet, 2. By Request (you click yes or no to each site they ask to access), 3. Monitored, or 4. Unmonitored. Then you assign devices to the child or children who use them.

It's nice not to have to set each device. To let a child use a phone, just drag that device to his/her profile and instantly it is restricted. It's fun to watch the apps disappear if the child is below the age you've approved to use that app. Then when you want the phone back, drag the device out of their profile, the restrictions are taken off, and the apps come back. You can turn the camera off and restrict apps and in app purchases. You can set a curfew that shuts down their access, set other schedule restrictions during the day, or give them a "time out" during which all devices will be blocked to them.

Limitations: Family Protector works by removing the web browser on devices and replacing it with their own. A savvy child can install a browser like Chrome to get around the filter. Just watch for this by checking the long list of apps installed on each device from the Family Protector dashboard. This app list is a nice feature--no more hunting through folders trying to see what apps are installed. Quite an eye opener as a parent! Unfortunately Family Protector doesn't let you track texts or see what pictures have been taken.

3. Apple and Windows computers will let you set up user accounts with differing levels of restrictions. Letting your child have their own account separate from your admin account will not only protect your child but also your computer. Only admin accounts can install software without a password, so viruses won't be installed on non-admin accounts. We set up accounts for our children to use the internet where we have to put in a password for each new website the child wants to see. They usually go to the same sites over and over so we don't end up having to put in our password very often. This method only works if you log out of your account every time you leave the computer.

7. Encourage Broad Interests

It's natural for kids to specialize in their favorite pastime. For one it may be collecting Pokemon cards, for another creating furniture for her American Girl doll. Too many children, left to their own devices (pun intended) gravitate toward a specialty that involves a screen.

This video by Nature Valley snacks asked three generations--grandparents, parents, and young children, "When you were a kid, what did you do for fun?"

The grandparents remembered picking blueberries, growing watermelons and plantains, creating a toboggan from an old sign. One even recalled discovering that he was being watched by a black bear as he wrapped up a successful day of fishing.

Their grown children recalled building makeshift forts and recruiting neighborhood kids for games of baseball or hide-and-seek.

Then it was the grandkids' turn: "Video games, definitely." "I like to go on my phone." "Text. Some email." "My favorite thing to do in the world is definitely watching videos and playing video games. Those take up so much of my time."

There were clear signs of dependency. One child said, "Just last week, I watched 23 episodes of a TV series in less than four days.... Whenever I'd feel upset, I'd play video games and I'd feel normal." Another: "I forget I'm in the house, I have parents, I have a sister, I have a dog. I just think I'm in the video game. I completely get lost." One admits: "I would die if I don't have my tablet."

It's up to us as parents to stem this tide. Turn off the screens, take away the devices, and send them outside. Or perhaps send them outside with their devices. Every summer our kids rediscover the fun of making videos of natural disasters destroying miniature cities in the sandbox or action scenes as they play bicycle polo or chase each other like ninjas around the back yard.

When our kids complain they're bored, it's a sign they're on the right track. Boredom is the mother of creativity, which in turn is the mother of fulfillment.

Girl ScoutingCub Scouting, and 4-H Clubs expose kids to a broad array of potential interests. Any kid who has toured the fire station, shot a bow and arrow, and made cinnamon rolls from scratch for an elderly neighbor is on their way to being well-rounded.

Please share below your ideas for strengthening kids' immunity to porn. 

Friday, February 12, 2016

To Recover as a Couple, GET REAL!


[Photo credit: https://static.pexels.com/photos/2304/dawn-nature-sunset-woman.jpg]

Check out this great post from Jaylynn Bryson's Blog. In it she describes two key steps in their recovery as a couple from her husband's sexual addiction. I appreciate her permission to highlight them here:

Step 1. He Gets Real with Her.

It was not easy for Jaylynn to get the entire truth. She says, "An addict is so used to lying, even to himself, that telling the whole truth is difficult for them." With persistence she "pulled truth and honesty from Brandon over the course of the next two weeks. By asking questions and begging to know if he finally had confessed everything, I heard the truth of the past 8 years in pieces. And with each piece of information, my heart broke a little more."

It was a relief to Brandon to have everything out in the open so that he could move forward in his recovery; Jaylynn felt no such relief. The bottom had dropped out of her marriage and life. She was in agony. This is where the next step comes in, and it's such a key part of the process:

Step 2. He Listens as She's Real with Him.

Jaylynn's brother in Law, Landon, who has a master's degree in social work, helped Brandon learn empathy. "He learned to stop trying to be a fixer. This was something he couldn't fix and frankly shouldn't be trying to. That's not what I needed. Landon taught my husband to stop and listen to my words. To digest what I was saying. To put himself in my shoes and try to feel what it might be like if our roles were reversed. To say things like, 'I see why you feel that way', and 'That must be a terrible feeling'. He told my husband to sit with me in my pain. Sometimes I allowed Brandon to hold me in my despair and it was very healing. Other times I wanted him as far away from me as possible. I told him not to touch me. I told him not to say that he loved me anymore because it was too painful and hurt too much when he did. I showered and dressed with my door locked."

Perhaps as a result of letting Jaylynn's hurt, sadness, and anger really sink into his heart, Brandon's approach to recovery underwent a transformation. Jaylynn recalls: "Finally my husband slowed down a little and quit trying to rush ahead. He started reading books on recovery and learned to be humble. In the depths of humility he sat through whatever I needed to say to him and get off my chest. It was not an easy time for either of us, but it was a time of great learning."

Men, if you haven't taken the opportunity to get real with your wife... or haven't given her the chance to get real with you in the way she needs to... DO IT. TODAY. Get on the path of healing Brandon and Jaylynn are on. It won't be easy, but it's where you'll find true healing.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Get the Right Help

[Photo credit: https://stocksnap.io/photo/QYQWBJP85R]

When things are at their worst, it really pays to get help--the right help! In her extremely helpful blog about dealing with her husband Brandon's lust addiction as a couple, Jaylynn Bryson talks about what a difference it made for them. She was feeling devastated and angry when Brandon admitted more recent involvement in porn than he had acknowledged before. Fortunately, they had a wise adviser, Her brother in Law, Landon, who has a master's degree in social work. In this post on her blog, she shares the wisdom he shared with them. With her permission, I'm excited to pass along three of those lessons:

1. This is an addiction of relapses. We began to understand that Brandon kept relapsing because he truly had an addiction--not just a little problem or a bad habit.

2. If Brandon really wanted to recover, then recovery had to be his #1 priority each and every day. Overcoming would require no less. The people who attend addiction recovery programs and have been sober for 30 years are asked why they attend the programs when they've been sober for so long. The answer is: The very reason they are sober is because they are attending those programs week after week, year after year. And so we realized that this is a battle that we must face every day. It isn't going away any time soon. My husband will not just get over it and be "normal" again. Our lives would need to look and be very different. We would now have a new normal, and it would include fighting relentlessly.

3. Landon told my husband that I needed to know how his recovery was going, and that I deserved to know as his wife. He explained that when I have to always wonder how my husband is doing, it is very stressful. Also, when I have to ask how Brandon is doing all of the time, it makes me feel like his mother and it makes Brandon feel nagged and controlled. It would be important for Brandon to regularly be accountable to me and tell me how he was doing. Later, when I learned about boundaries... I made a boundary that I deserve to know how my husband is doing and so I would like nightly disclosure of his feelings and what he has done towards recovery that day. I can say that for 7 months my husband has told me his feelings every single night, with the exception of two nights in the beginning. As a consequence, he left our room and slept elsewhere per my boundary and he learned that I was serious. He now tells me what recovery work he did each day. Sometimes it is a lot, other times it is listening to a conference talk on the way home from work. He tells me how he feels about his recovery. He shares with me his stresses and his victories (learning how to connect emotionally and develop healthy coping strategies in dealing with stress). If I am gone or at work, my boundary doesn't go away. He calls me or texts me. This has been such a blessing to our marriage that I think I'll keep that boundary forever!

You deserve to receive support and wisdom from someone the way Jaylynn and Brandon did from Landon. If you haven't gotten the right help yet, I encourage you to consider reaching out today. 

Friday, February 5, 2016

Mini Mindfulness: Daily Practice Standing Up to the Rebel Mind

Puppy
[Photo Credit: http://www.freeimages.com/photo/puppy-1367647]

You've decided in advance how you'd like to handle things, but then in the heat of the moment the brain goes rogue and drags the rest of you along for the ride. 
  • "Better to sleep another hour than go running in this cold weather." 
  • "The donuts are gone but there's one last maple bar in the box. Can't let it go to waste." 
  • "The image is a alluring woman in a swimsuit but the link description sounds innocent enough. It's probably fine." 
  • "There's no end to their dawdling at bedtime. Time to bark out orders, swat behinds, and pull them by the arm to their bedrooms."
Of course it's important to resolve to handle situations like these differently the next time they come up. But we can do more than that. We can practice standing up to the rebel mind when the stakes aren't as high. 

Standing up to the mind is what mindfulness meditation is all about. Incorporating mini meditations into your routine guarantees that you'll get some practice doing so on a daily basis. 

To experience a mini mindfulness session:
  • Set the timer on your phone for one minute. 
  • Pay attention to your breath. As you inhale attend to the air coming in through your nostrils or the feeling of your lungs filling up or the sensation of your chest, shoulders, or tummy rising. 
  • Then focus on the sensations that go with exhaling. 
  • When (not if) your mind starts to wander, tell yourself "Back to the breath" and attend to your breathing again. 
  • When the timer on your phone goes off, you're done. 
When I explained to one my clients how to do this she said, "So the goal is to stay focused on your breathing?" In a way, yes. That's certainly what you're attempting to do. But don't be disappointed or feel like you're doing it wrong when that doesn't happen. The mind is like a puppy dog, always losing interest in one thing and bounding off to play with something else that caught her eye. The real goal of the exercise is to catch the rebellious puppy dog mind in the act of dropping one intention and getting caught up in another. Usually we have several chances to do that in a minute. Whenever we catch the mind wandering and gently tell it "back to the breath," we're letting it know that we're in charge. We're standing up to it and in the process proving to it that a lot of what it thinks it needs to focus on or take care of or figure out is just an illusion. 

I once guided my client, Elise, through a five minute version of this exercise while she was holding her baby. I set my alarm and we started. As soon as I closed my eyes I thought, "Little Ella has been so good during this session because Elise and I have both been engaging with her and talking to her throughout our conversation. But she's going to get bored right away now that Elise and I are quiet and closing our eyes. I'd better interrupt this mindfulness exercise just long enough to tell Elise, if you need to pause what we're doing to take care of Ella, go ahead. Then I realized that this was actually the perfect opportunity to stand up to my bossy mind. I simply said to myself, "back to the breath." As it turned out, Ella was fine. Partway through the five minutes she started cooing to herself, having a great time. I smiled and thought, "Wow, I let go of my need to manage Ella's experience, and she's doing just fine without my help. I wonder how many of the other things in life that I'm so sure I need to control would turn out just fine without my help. Then I realized I'd wandered off on this thought and told myself, "back to the breath." 

We fail at mindfulness when the mind wanders off and we get so caught up in the thought or bought into its importance that we never come "back to the breath." But besides that, there is no failure. There's no maximum number of times we can gently redirect our mind back. We're building the muscle of our mental discipline whether we do so twice or ten times. 

Sometimes, in the middle of a mindfulness session, the mind arrives at a strange place. It fully accepts that there is truly no need at all to pursue any of the lines of thinking it usually finds compelling, at least for this moment. And we taste a level of peace that can be quite illusive in our lives of busyness and overstimulation.

You can see why, practiced regularly, mindfulness is a kick-but way to strengthen our ability to abstain from addictive behavior.

Have you ever tried mindfulness? Has it aided your recovery? 

Take the time to try out some mini mindfulness sessions over the next few days and let us know what you discover.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Art of Vegging Out, Porn Free

[photo credit: https://stocksnap.io/photo/AFB41CF89E]

Why is porn such an attractive way to kill time? It tricks the brain into thinking we are actually satisfying our natural desires for
  • sexual enjoyment
  • aesthetic appreciation
  • human connection
  • flirtation and intrigue
  • acceptance and approval
  • freedom and agency
  • power and assertiveness
So the brain keeps telling us to go back to porn even though it provides no genuine substance along any of these lines. 

Porn is a Lousy Way to Veg Out

Over the last 25 years I've worked with clients who've gotten sucked in by the promise of porn and then discovered it doesn't deliver. 
  • Porn is an overall jolt to the system, not a soother. The net effect over time is that you feel more antsy to look at porn, rather than relaxed and content with life.
  • Porn is addictive. It feels like a choice at first but then the core of your survival brain is screaming at you for it. You start to feel like you need it the way you need food... water... oxygen.
  • Porn disconnects you from yourself. Increasingly, other human traits take a backseat to lust, a quality we share with the reptiles. 
  • Porn disconnects you from people. You only have so much discretionary time, only so much energy and focus. Appreciation of friends and time with family seem to take a backseat, or go out the window altogether.
  • Porn trashes your self-esteem. It stinks to be bossed around by the part of your brain that can't get enough of this degrading habit. 
We Need Better Ways to Veg Out

Before a snake can strike, it has to coil up in preparation. Without that slower process, the productive burst would be impossible. As I pointed out in an earlier post, we are the same way. We can't just keep spending our strength, we must take time to gather it. 

Unfortunately, gathering strength is an unappreciated activity. When we have our wits about us we'd rather focus on performance and productivity. Vegging out is relegated to the junk heap of useless pastimes, what we only end up finding ourselves doing because we couldn't keep going any more. Or perhaps deliberately chosen, but only once we're thoroughly spent and finally have a good excuse to "waste time" for a while.

In his book The 20 Minute Break, Ernest Rossi describes a more effective way of vacillating between productive and rejuvenative modes of living. In fact, he cites evidence that our bodies are designed to cycle between periods of ease and exertion throughout the day. We ignore this natural process at our peril. On the one hand, we burn out. Once depleted, we become much more vulnerable to the call of our unhealthy old habitual ways of killing time, such as porn.

Some Great Ways to Veg Out

Kill time in a way that helps you regroup and gather your strength:
  • Turn away from the technology trough. We don't truly veg out very often because we're so quick to check email, the news, or social media. 
  • Be still for a time. Pause what you're doing without jumping immediately to fill the space with something else. It will take a minute of doing nothing for the buzz of your mind to quiet itself. 
  • Attend to your breathing or heartbeat. This helps you gear down to veg out mode.
  • Settle yourself. Accept that it's you settling you, instead of looking to caffeine, nicotine, food, entertainment, alcohol, or any other boost from someone or something else. 
  • Pick a good veg out mode activity. Look around, walk, breathe, eat, commune with nature, talk with God, crochet, carve on a piece of wood, caress a loved one or give them a back scratch or a foot rub.
  • Slow your pace. Whatever you do as you veg, don't rush it. Deliberately slow down and find a rhythm that feels calm and natural.
  • Come to your senses. Pay attention to the sound of your wife or child's voice. Feel the texture of whatever you're touching. Really see your surroundings as you take a stroll around the neighborhood.
How about you? What do you do to veg out that works better than going to porn or some other unhealthy outlet? 

Monday, February 1, 2016

How To Get Your Husband or Boyfriend to Stop Watching Porn--9 Things You CAN Do

[Photo credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/couple-holding-hands-love-people-7707/]

Lauren writes, "He's watched porn the whole time I've known him. We've been thru so much together and come so far as a couple, but in that area nothing as progressed. He tries hard not to lie, but then he plays sex games on his phone while I'm right there in the room. I told him before I hate it when he does that. Recently I caught him again! I've been so sad about it, but it seems like there's no point bringing it up. I'm just so hurt and tired of this. I want to leave him. Would it be wrong of me to refuse sex with him?

"Then again, I don't want to sabotage myself. We have two kids. Add in our work schedules and I hardly have time to please him. I still try to give him all the energy and time I can. He's excited to be with me, but we don't have sex much any more. The fact that he's so into porn makes me wonder if he only wanted to be with me because of the great sex we used to have. Is our life together just an obligation now? He says, no, he really loves me. If that's true, why won't he give up porn?"

Lauren, here are some ideas we hope you'll find helpful:

1. Tell him how much your relationship means to you.


This helps him put into context why you're so disturbed by his lust fests over other women. "You mean the world to me. I adore you and cherish what we have together... so naturally I feel so protective of it and get scared when it seems threatened."

Given how demanding your life with work and the kids has become, it's understandable you're struggling as a couple. The best defense is a good offense, and Dustin Reichman's Engaged Marriage blog is all about helping busy couples like two you re-vitalizing your relationship and feel connected. Then outside factors like porn will pose less of a threat.

2. Seek compassion instead of promoting guilt.

He may already feel guilty about watching porn. Or at least ashamed, as evidenced by the fact that he kept his porn use a secret from you. Even if he doesn't, scolding him about his behavior may only lead him to withdraw from you or work even harder to hide it. That goes against what you want in your relationship: closeness and transparent communication.

Instead of, "How could you do this to me?" (emphasizing his behavior), try "Since discovering the porn I can't stop worrying about whether you still find me attractive" or "I felt so secure and now I'm scared that was just an illusion." (emphasizing your emotions).

3. Share your conclusions tentatively.


His watching porn probably does not mean the same thing to him that it means to you. Let him know what your concerns are while showing him that you're open to his perspective.

"I was shocked because since we've been together I've been so content--you have my whole heart. When I saw the porn it terrified me that maybe those feelings aren't mutual! What is your commitment level these days? Have your feelings for me been fading lately?"

4. Seek to understand his perspective.

If he's willing to have a discussion with you about porn, celebrate that! He's likely never talked with a woman about the intricacies of this aspect of his sexuality. Think about it: when boys discover masturbation or porn, they experience feelings that are mind-blowing, overwhelming, confusing, and for most boys, ultimately, dumbfounding. Even if they could put their experience into words, it would seem completely awkward and out-of-bounds to talk to the woman they talk to about most other important things--their mother. To show that you're willing to discuss porn and his thoughts and feelings about it might open for the first time for him the intimidating but exciting realm of communication at that deep of a level. (To learn from a couple who came to communicate masterfully even about a topic as challenging as porn, check out Victoria and Gary Prater's book, Love and Pornography.)

5. Be patient.

Women are accustomed to talking about their feelings and thoughts. If he doesn't respond immediately to the questions you ask and the areas you want to explore, don't conclude that they're off limits. He may just need to time to take your concerns in and let his own impressions percolate and clarify before he can put them into words. If you've had a heartfelt, mutually respectful discussion that has helped you both feel like the understanding and closeness you share has increased, he probably appreciates the intimacy of it and will be willing to revisit the topic again. Those future discussions are when you'll be hearing about the deeper feelings that have clarified for him over time as he's pondered the issues you're discussing.

6. Have empathy for him.

It's hard to step out of your own hurt to empathize with his experience. Ultimately, the women who are able to do so find themselves becoming, over time, less and less devastated by the fact that he finds porn appealing. They can take it more in stride because they start to get how men's minds work and they don't take porn as personally. (I'm not justifying his porn use or trying to convince you to shrug it off, just telling what I've observed working with many couples over the years.)

7. Don't rush yourself.

Empathizing with him doesn't mean ignoring your own feelings. Your own healing may have to progress to a certain level before you'll be able to feel compassion. And  As one woman commented on another post on this blog:

"People told me it was MY JOB to fix him and make him feel better about himself and not ever hurt his feelings with my own hurt feelings. Before I could support him, I had to start to heal. Having people validate how much I was hurting and how much my life had been affected helped me feel understood. Then it was much, much easier to validate him. But I couldn't give from an empty bucket, no matter how much people felt I 'should' as his wife."

8. Get Outside Support

You wouldn't climb in the Himalayas without a Sherpa guide. As important as your relationship is, you'll never get from him everything you need to heal and feel confident again. Other women in your shoes are already supporting each other and healing together in places like Jacy Boyack's Togetherness Project. Join them--you'll be blown away by the insights you'll find and, over time, the peace you'll regain.

9. Learn together.

The bottom line for most women is this: they want their man off porn. Fortunately, there are resources that can help you get there as a couple.

Many of the men on support forums for kicking a porn and masturbation habit (like the Nofap thread on Reddit) find their way there after a wake-up call from Gary Wilson's TED Talk, The Great Porn Experiment, which shows the damage porn does to men or this cute little video short about a kiwi eating a nugget that drives home the devastating effects of addiction.

Love You, Hate the Porn, the book I wrote with Geoff Steurer, can be a similar wake-up call for men in relationships. Here's what a couple of Amazon reviewers wrote:

"Helping me think twice before I whack it to internet porn. I now think of my wife's feelings." --Dylan Thompson Wages

"Not just for wives of men who are addicted to pornography. This helped me as well, to understand what she is going through." --Robert N. Jones.

Of course, no matter how masterfully you handle things, there are no guarantees your man will respond as you hope. Everyone's choices are ultimately their own. As time goes on, he will act as he chooses and reveal to you more about who he is and where you stand in his life. Then you will have to decide how you are going to respond, given the choices he's making. If you're frustrated by the limits of your influence on your man, check out Corey Allan's Simple Marriage Manifesto. While otherwise "loving" actions mean very little when they've been coerced, and thus grudgingly given, nothing can stop couples who come together freely, as individuals, each in the driver's seats of his or her own life. The resulting amazing relationship is one you'll never get to by pressuring and pleasing, persuading and placating each other. It might be scary to accept that he's in charge of him and you're in charge of you, that's exactly what will keep you both showing up in your relationship and keep it alive and vibrant in the decades to come. 

Hang in there Lauren! And be sure to let us know how it goes. 

What other encouragement or suggestions do you have for Lauren and others in her situation? Please leave a comment.