Blast Your Bad Habits: 3 Week Class in South Jordan, Utah

Hope you'll join me for this class:

Dates: Tuesday, May 7, 14 and 21

Time: 6-7 p.m.

Cost: $10 per session

Sometimes bad habits persist even when we've repeatedly tried to stop. Rather than continuing to battle these urges directly, it helps to wage a more systematic war directed toward the underlying cycles in our life that support the habit. 

In this class, participants will learn and start applying key change strategies like:

Play-by-Play: The conflict between the urge to give in and the desire to stay strong usually plays out as a tug-of-war. Speaking, writing or texting pro and con arguments drags the process onto the battlefield of language and logic, giving our Higher Self a distinct home-field advantage.

Installing Forks: In addition to strengthening our spiritual defenses against temptation, it helps to establish some habit-based defenses: automatic responses that are healthy and life-affirming. Then, in the heat of the moment, we've already marked common decision points and have practiced choosing the right path.

The War Room: We're not the bloodied, panicked soldier in the foxhole. We're the general in the war room. We need to take notes on our victories and defeats, send reinforcements where our troops need strengthening, and be patient and deliberate as we go through the process of winning the war.

Whether you struggle with sexual temptation, compulsive eating, a bad temper, or some other self-control breakdown, this class will help you get back in control of your life.

(Seating is limited, please call to register: 801-255-1155)

Strengthen Your Immunity to Temptation

Another quick tip for kicking porn: Don't let temptations go unanswered. Check out this 2-minute video on how to catch those thoughts and activate your mental immune reaction to them.

Click here to watch the video

Stop letting tempting thoughts sneak in and pollute your mind. Left unanswered they'll just fan the flames of emotion and motivation. Put those thoughts into words. Broadcast the propaganda. Then broadcast your more clear-thinking response. Temptation won't stop there, of course. Broadcast it's next attack and your next defense.

Here's an example one of my clients texted me the other day:

Temptation: You can give in one more time, what difference will it make?

Man of God: How many times have I listened to that lie? Too many, but not this time. You're done ruining my life

Temptation: Oh, come on! Suddenly you're so serious about life and the future? Things are going to work out just fine even if you enjoy yourself now!

Man of God: Actually, life is getting more and more enjoyable all the time as I avoid degrading myself.

Temptation: Don't be so strict and hard. A little enjoyment isn't going to ruin anything. You don't need to give up the fun side of life entirely!

Man of God: I'm remembering what true enjoyment is. Giving you up is like giving up chocolate-covered razor blades. I refuse to keep slashing myself with you.

Pollute the Fantasy

Here's a quick tip for kicking the porn habit: Introduce a bit of reality into the dreamy scene!

Check out my four minute video on the topic on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQoRTtODHgs
Insert even a little taste of real life into that fantasy that's starting to work you up. Give your dream girl body odor or a spitting habit. You're not insulting the actual person you found attractive--you left her and the rest of reality behind the moment you launched into fantasy land! You're just comin' back, makin' it real again. See if this technique helps you halt the momentum of your craving. Kick porn! Get real!

Get Out of the Foxhole and Into the War Room

For today's quick tip for kicking a porn habit check out this 90 second video...

Don't be the guy who fights single-mindedly and then pounds himself when he loses a battle. Instead back away from your intense focus on avoiding failure. Be more compassionate and patient with yourself. Keep a record of what you're learning over time. You're more likely to succeed when you take a big-picture, long-term view. You can do it! Get Real--Kick the Porn!

Put Your Battle with Craving Into Words

Quick Porn-Kicking Tip: Text out the debate between you and your urge to relapse. Check out this 2-minute video on the power of this technique...

 

Don't keep doing battle with craving on it's home field: the realm of emotion. Drag it onto your home court, where logic, reasoning, and your true, higher self play ball: the realm of language and reasoning!

Next time temptation hits, text yourself or someone who supports you--like me for instance! 801-564-7566--what your Craving Voice tells you and your True Self's answers. For instance:

CV: Wow! You know you can't pass THAT up. Gotta check it out!

TS: Every day I pass it up is a day closer to being completely in charge of my own life.

CV: But think of how you MISS it!

TS: I do miss the delight and the high. I sure don't miss the shame, guilt, and lack of self-respect.

CV: Remember how good just a little taste is? Just dance on the edge of porn for a few minutes.

TS: The edge that always gives way under my feet and sends me sprawling into a full-blown relapse?

CV: You really think you can give up ALL the fun we used to have together?

TS: I'm finding life is much more rewarding as I explore a wider variety of ways to have fun.

Even if your arguments for resisting aren't elegant or weighty, the very act of putting the battle into words will help neutralize your cravings. I can't always answer back, but occasionally I'll pass along some ideas for boosting your True Self's argument.

Good luck! You can do it! 

Get Real--Kick Porn!

Healthy Connections Lessen the Pull of Porn

Quick Tip for Kicking Porn: Make it a point to connect for at least a few minutes a day with loved ones.

Porn may have become a quick and dirty way for you to relieve stress. It takes you immediately out of the geared up "fight or flight" mode and into "feed or breed" mode. But there's another, better way of calming our nervous systems! Reach out and connect in healthy little everyday interactions. So set a goal and make it a habit. Stop Isolating! Get Real--Kick Porn!

"[It's the] only source of healthy affect regulation that is available to us: 

healthy interpersonal attachment."

--Thomas Lewis and coauthors in A General Theory of Love

"It's much less wear and tear on us if we have someone there to help regulate us."

--Psychologist and Neuroscientist James A. Coan

(Thanks to my friend Marnia Robinson over at www.yourbrainonporn.com for sharing these great quotes!)

The Pain from My Boyfriend Looking at Porn Won't Go Away!

I recently heard from Sheri:

Hey Mark,

Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for 2 years now and only recently we discussed porn. In the back of my mind, I knew he probably watched it or had watched it but as soon as he admitted to me that he did watch it--although not very often--I felt absolute crushed and betrayed. 

He is a lovely guy and I know he cares about me a lot. As soon as we discussed it he decided straight away that he would no longer watch it. And I believe him. 

We talk about everything together. If he was to watch it he would tell me for he does not believe in secrets. He had just always assumed I knew he watched it and did not mind.

Even though we have had three very deep discussions on the matter and he has promised to me he has no desire to watch it again, I still feel pain whenever I think of the fact that he did. He never seemed like a highly sexual person and I know he loves me so much, which is why I don't understand how he could do something to hurt me so badly. 

The pain I have felt from this does not seem to be going away. Can I get over it?

Please help if you can.

Many thanks, 

-Sheri

Hey Sheri,

I am so glad you reached out. And so sorry for the painful struggle you're having. Remember, it would not be so painful if the relationship were not so good and so absolutely important to both you and to him. Sometimes pain indicates we're on the wrong track, but from what you've said it sounds to me like you guys are on exactly the right track.

Here are a few specific blog posts that may help:

Here's one on how he can help you get all of your pain out and put it behind you.

This one is on how that process of him hearing you out as you express your hurt will also help him avoid relapsing in the future.

And finally this one is a general article about how couples work together to strengthen each other as they deal with this hard issue.

May you both be blessed to make it through this hard time. Your boyfriend sounds like a GREAT guy with a huge heart and deep devotion to you. Porn for most men like him is a little escape from life not something they truly want or would choose to replace the real, beloved woman in their life. 

Of course it's a very compelling escape and can become addictive and ruinous. But many women feel threatened by porn: "Does he want me or the women in those images?" After years of work with these men I know that very few actually prefer porn and don't want a real woman to get in the way of their porn fix. 

Even those who are more attached to porn than their woman aren't choosing between her and the women in porn, but between real life/true happiness and phony jolts of instant, superficially pleasurable emptiness. Which, by the way, keeps diminishing over time to provide them less and less thrill. And steals their confidence with people and for many the ability to have an erection. 

But I digress. For most men it's not a contest between their real lover and the porn. That would be like asking a smoker "Do you love me or your cigarettes?" 

"What?! I may smoke and I may be hooked on it, but you're my WOMAN! That's just a recurring habit that my body and brain look to when I've gone without a fix for a while!" 

Your boyfriend sounds like one of those great guys who wants to help you heal from the hurt, and he can. Read the posts I shared above and please stay in touch and let me know how the two of you keep working through this together. 

I pray that the generous Lord, the True Source of all goodness and joy, will keep blessing your life and your relationship and help you find the peace and healing you deserve and so desperately need.

Again Sheri, I am so glad you reached out and got in touch. I know how hard that can be, but it's SO important because to suffer silently alone through all this can become absolutely unbearable.

-Mark