Love Heals Porn: The Role of Empathy In Healing Sexual Addiction

[Photo credit:https://www.pexels.com/photo/couple-people-sitting-hugging-9396/]

Men may be prone to lust, but what makes the difference in whether we indulge our lusts or forbear from doing so? Our capacity and willingness to empathize seems to play a huge role in determining which course we take as individuals.

Noticing vs. Tracking

In his book Husbandry, Stephen Fried has a humorous way of describing the way men notice attractive women: "At my regular half-court basketball game, if a woman wanders from the workout area onto the far end of the court, the guys gape even though most of them can't even see that far without their glasses (or with their prescription goggles). So they can't really tell if the woman is twenty or ninety or attractive or an alien life form. Wives shouldn't be bothered by this any more than they should be bothered by channel surfing. It's not about sex. It's about the complete and utter distractibility of men. We have trouble staying focused on anything for very long--regardless of whether it's a TV show, something you're trying to tell us, a song on the radio, some really, really important thing you're still trying to tell us, or simply a pretty woman walking by. Just give us a moment and we'll switch back to our regularly scheduled wife, already in progress."

To Fried, having an attractive women catch your eye comes with the territory of being a guy. But he differentiates between noticing women and tracking them: "I started thinking about tracking at a 76ers game. I was there with a friend who, like me, is a very happily married. It was just us two guys, so there was no reason why we shouldn't track to our hearts' content, especially because some of the women at professional basketball games are really only there to be tracked, dressed in their best and most revealing Girls Gone Wild outfits. Still, when my friend started tracking to the point where his head almost did an Exorcist spin, I found myself becoming self-conscious, maybe even a little judgmental."

How to Refrain from Lusting

So what helped Fried draw the line in his own life between noticing and tracking? And what has kept him, throughout decades of marriage, on the "honor my wife even when she's not around to see it" side of that line? Did she catch him and scold him for tracking? Is he super self-restrained, avoiding tracking so that he'll avoid lusting so that he'll avoid indulging his lusts all-out (like by binging on porn) so that ultimately he'll avoid cheating on his wife? No, that doesn't seem to be his take on it. Here's what he says about it:

"I don't ever track women like that, even when I'm just around other men. I don't want them to catch me looking, either. I've conditioned myself to do this over the years, the same way one is conditioned not to use the f-word in front of children. It's like I don't want to be the stereotypical 'normal guy' even though I am allowed to be him. I suspect that this all goes back to my childhood and family vacations at the beach. My dad, like most men of his era, did a lot of gaping as bathing suits got more and more daring. And my poor mom--the only woman in a family of a father and three sons--would often openly comment about how 'built' the women were that he was looking at, as if talking like one of the guys would make her feel less left out. I never wanted to put any woman through that."

Empathy as An Organic Motivator

What a powerful motivator: "My poor mom... I never wanted to put any woman through that." Fried felt for his mom. And then he imagined how other women would feel--his wife included. His imagined version of that hurt was enough to hold him back from behaviors that would unleash it on a woman and burden her that way. And he apparently hasn't been chomping at the bit to go over that line. He hasn't been exercising a supreme amount of willpower to pull it off. He gets how women feel about it, that holds sway in his heart, and his behavior follows naturally.

Bottom line: a man's empathy for women in general and for the one he cares about most in particular is a key factor that helps keep him from letting his lust go whole hog in feeding frenzy after feeding frenzy. Entertaining lust may be the most natural thing in the world. But, as M. Scott Peck says, so is crapping in our pants, and most of us keep working at it until we eventually get good at no longer doing that. 

A Medicine that Never Loses Potency

I'll never forget what a client of one of my colleagues said when he was asked what kept him on track now that he was five years into his sexual addiction recovery. "First, if a flight attendant is nice to me, I recognize that she's just being nice to me instead of assuming she's flirting, like I would have years ago. But mainly I guess the difference is this: I've now found that I can can no longer interact with a woman in a way that I would not interact with her if my wife were sitting right there between us."

That's so powerful to me: that this man carries around a virtual version of his wife in his heart such that he can no longer have a potentially risky interaction with another woman without the imaginary version of his one-and-only plopping herself down between them and smiling up at him. "Go ahead," she seems to be saying, "say whatever you want to Honey. Do whatever you want. Don't mind me." And he does say and do exactly what he wants. It just so happens that, nowadays and for the rest of his life, what he wants to do and say is always in keeping with what she'd be comfortable witnessing. He doesn't have to "mind her" or "keep her in mind" anymore, she has become a permanent fixture there. The image of her no longer has to be summoned. His little inner version of her barely has to be consulted. He automatically feels what she would feel were she to witness something he's about to say or do, and if it doesn't pass muster he thinks better of it and takes a different tack. 

Empathy is not psychobabble for some ultra-challenging feat of advanced Olympic husbanding. It's really not that difficult a process and it makes makes a huge difference in healing sexual addiction and promoting healthy recovery. So let's take a few minutes to cultivate it.

Do This

From everything I can tell, popular dating coach Evan Marc Katz is a great guy. He's an adoring husband and doting father of two very cute kids. He also shares the opinion that "Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women... go to bachelor parties, go to a strip club, and still be great husbands and fathers."

Many agree with Marc on this topic, women included. But I hear more often from women like Jeanie, who left the following comment to the blog post where Katz made these assertions. As you read how she feels about the topic, do what you can to empathize and really let into your heart what she's feeling, both the hurt and the anger. If your own feelings--perhaps shame or defensiveness--come up, that's okay. It's natural. Just be aware of it, pause briefly from reading, and take a moment to hold your feelings aside. (Personally I find it helpful to touch my chest with my hand as though I'm actually taking a hold of my own feelings and then extend my arm out at a right angle from my body, as though I'm actually suspending my own feelings out a ways from where they're usually ensconced so that I can better let in someone else's.) Then keep immerse yourself back into what it must feel like to be Jeanie and read on.

"I am 60 yrs old and have been married for 30 yrs. I totally get the point of this article. My husband has been looking at other women & fantasizing about them for about 25 yrs. now. He is a wonderful husband & father. But you know what? It has always affected me & made me feel like less of a woman, even though I did my best to not let it bother me. I was never quite happy, though I really did my best to smile & make light of his attraction to other women. Now that I’m much older, the pain has become much worse. My husband is still looking at 20-30 yr olds, when I’m 60. C’mon, how much self esteem can a 60 yr old woman have when she compares herself to a 20 or even 30 yr old? You know what I say? Grow the #&%$ up men! Your wife who u have chosen for life, deserves for u to only have eyes for her. I think a grown up, loving man can make that sacrifice for the woman he claims to love. It is not love to perpetually hurt your wife & destroy her self esteem. And it is a rare woman who can deal with your wandering eye with a smile upon her face. I wish I either waited for a man who only had eyes for me, or never got married at all. I was a pretty hot chick in my day, & still my self esteem suffered to the point where I am today. Love means forsaking all others, not just in body but also in mind, heart & soul. Your wedding vows should have told u that.

How did you experience this process? Please be sure to leave a comment below!