You’ve started to put your sentiments
into words. What you’ve experienced may not seem all that profound to you so
far. But you’ve actually opened the door to a new dimension of personal growth.
In this lesson we’ll show you how to take it even further!
My client, Jack, was getting better
at catching emotionally loaded thoughts and putting them into words. Here’s a
text I got from him one day:
I am feeling some pull to look at pornography. Feeling felt like I
wanted some recreation and something to distract me from all that must get
done. Also, feeling anxiety about a test I took. I feel like I didn't do well.
Also the feeling at looking at things I've seen before has come into play.
A few minutes later he added:
Then there’s also the feeling that nothing is real.
Catching desire in the act and
stepping back from it enough to say, “I am feeling a pull” is quite different
from only feeling the pull and leaving it unstated. We’ve already removed
ourselves one step from the experience of the feeling and we’re not quite so
swept up by it.
Those who study consciousness
contend that having unhelpful (unwanted, immature, or even downright
destructive) thoughts in and of itself is not a problem. The problems come
about when we fuse with those thoughts. Fusing with a thought means buying into
it fully.
Being fused with a sentiment
means we’re looking at life through the lens of that sentiment. When we “take
our glasses off” and look at that sentiment, we have defused from it.
The part of the brain that
wants a porn fix doesn’t say, “I am feeling the pull to look at porn” the way
Jack did. In fact it doesn’t even speak to us in words, but if we had to put
into words its message, it would be something like, “Go find porn now. It’s exactly what you need. Don’t
even think about passing up this opportunity.” For Jack to text me in that
state of mind was no small accomplishment. He had had to unhook from the
thought enough to be able to realize that it was a mere thought, not a clear,
truthful appraisal of reality at the time that was imperative for him to act
upon. Instead of staying fused, he had defused.
He not only caught the
sentiment in the act, he stated it. By expressing that thought (and other
accompanying thoughts) in words, Jack took defusion to a new level. Multiplying
its power 4x. Texting those words to me acted as another force multiplier, as
my friend George Collins puts it.
Profiling Your Helpers
Once our thoughts are out in
the open, we can use that increased awareness to explore the energy that’s
driving our destructive habits.
Instead
of viewing your desires as threats, view them as information. You don’t have to
succumb, but you don’t have to constantly struggle against them, either.
Instead, take time to explore them. Attune to the energy inside of you where
the unwanted desire originates. Even if you don’t like an urge, it’s good to be
sympathetic with the energy that’s driving it. Our cravings are not imperative,
but there not baseless and worthless, either. They’re informative.
Derick Cuthbert taught that
every one of us is a storehouse—even a powerhouse—of desires and energies,
which may be used for good or ill. In order for us to use this great potential for
our own and others’ benefit, we need to harness it.
If we’ve been in the habit of
struggling against temptation, it will be a profound and liberating shift to
start to see as potentially helpful the desires and energies that have been
fueling our temptation!
So what energies and desires
can we identify in Jack’s text to me? I dialogued with him a bit in an effort
to discover.
Recall that in his texts he’d
said he was feeling the pull of porn, wanted some recreation and a distraction
from everything he had to do, felt some anxiety about not doing well on a test,
things that he’d seen before had started popping into his mind, and he had the
feeling that nothing’s real.
Mark: Great Job teasing it all apart Jack. Are these the voices?
Escapist: “Don’t stay on task. You should forget about all you have to do and
go do something fun.” Critic: “You know you bombed that test.” Librarian:
“There’s such a vast archive of pornographic images here in your brain. I can
give you a slide show anytime. Like how about this? Or this one? Oh yeah,
remember that? You could find something like that again if you’ll just enter
this search term…” Tell Bonnie about this committee of mindsets that’s working
on you.
Jack: Yeah, I think those sum it up. I’ll tell Bonnie about them, too.
The “Nothing’s real” voice is getting stronger.
Mark: Oh yeah, I forgot about the “nothing’s real” feeling. Which helper
is that? Phantom? Try putting it into words.
Jack: Phantom: “Since everything’s fuzzy right now it wouldn’t be a
real choice to look at real pornography, it would just be this halfhearted, hazy
little detached thing you could do over here with no real consequences. Looking
is okay. The only thing that matters is that release.”
Mark: Okay, so Phantom’s doing his sales job on you. “Your life is like
a movie you’re watching. You’re not really living it, you’re detached from it. And
think of the excitement! The payoff is very real, and it far outweighs any of
those barely visible costs that you can hardly imagine right now.”
Jack: Yeah, that’s what it was like. Thanks. It does help to put them
into categories and name them.
That exchange occurred between
1:06 and 1:28 on a Thursday afternoon. At 5:49 p.m. I checked in with Jack
again:
Mark: Is the committee still nagging at you?
Jack: Nope, they all shut up once we took roll.
Twenty minutes later he texted
again: Thanks!!
This kind of work reminds me of
what the bomb squad does. They bring in their x-ray machine to look at the
explosive device. Once you can see more clearly all the parts that make it up,
it’s easier to disarm the thing.
My dialogue with Jack gives you
an idea of what it’s like to start to profile the protagonists inside your
mind. Over time, you can call roll again when you’re tempted or when you’re in
another state of mind that doesn’t serve you very well. Sometimes the same
helpers come back again and again. Rather than get frustrated with these
mindsets, remember that they’re trying to help you in their own way.
A man I really trust once
taught me that urges and cravings are usually springing from deep and unmet
needs. Rather than get down on ourselves for even having those desires, we need
to look deeply into our own lives or the lives of others to identify the root
causes of our failures and shortcomings.
Try thinking of unwieldy
desires and energies as “helpers” who are doing their best, although certainly
at times are quite misguided. We can appreciate the help they’re trying to
give, while at the same time remembering that they don’t always guide us toward
the options that are best for us because they’re not fully informed. And since
they don’t see the big picture the way we can, we certainly shouldn’t let them
take the driver’s seat of our lives.
Seen Any of These Helpers Lurking in Your Mind?
As you explore your sentiments
when you’re in mindsets that don’t serve you well, you’ll become familiar with
your own helpers. You’ll start to identify some dominant ones that come around
all the time and some secondary ones that only visit periodically. To get you
started, here are some fairly common ones that my clients and I have discovered
lurking in their minds:
Shell-less Snail: “You feel so raw, exposed, apprehensive. You need
to find something to make you feel better.”
Castaway: “No one cares about you. You’re on your own in life,
suffering and neglected. It doesn’t really matter if you give in.”
Fortune Teller: “It’s always going to be this bad.”
Soother: “You can feel good again so quickly; relief is waiting for
you.”
Tom Sawyer: “Throw off your responsibilities and play hooky from
life.”
Salesman: “You really want that, it would feel so good.”
Ed McMahon: “Are you really going to slam the door when a million
dollar opportunity like this shows up?”
Lester the Luster: “Sex is the best thing in the world, nothing
else compares!”
Riveter: “Oh my! Wow! You can’t turn away from that!”
Dopamine-Deprived Screamer: “Don’t you dare make me go without
gratification! I’m miserable without that release!”
Jason Bourne: [Silent. May be inactive and go unnoticed for years,
but when there’s an opportunity to act out, stealthily gets to work again with
a vengeance.]
Dreamy: “In another life, can’t you just picture yourself with that
person? You should find out if they might be attracted to you!”
Pressure Cooker: “These urges will just keep building until you
finally give in.”
Critic: “You blew it. You failed. You should be so much better than
you are.”
Idealist: “Life would be wonderful if only you could manage to… [do
whatever it is you’re failing to do at the time.]”
Comparer: “Look at the great things so and so is doing. What’s
wrong with you?”
Scolder: “It’s so lame you can’t get on the ball and manage your
life better!”
Bullwhip: “Look at this mess you’ve made. Come on, pull yourself
together!”
John Henry: “You can do it, but only if you push harder than ever!”
Plow Horse: “Don’t think, don’t feel, just keep plugging along,
doing your duty.”
Brooder: “Your life stinks. Nothing’s going right. You’re
miserable.”
Worn-Out Warrior: “You’ve tried and tried, but you’ve got no more
to give.”
Lookout: “Unwanted thoughts keep coming over the horizon!”
Frantic Dutch Boy: “Can’t keep up to stop all these thoughts and
urges and cravings and temptations.”
Catch Your Helpers in the Act—and Talk Back to Them
When you catch an urge or feel
a surge of emotion, see if you can state the sentiment and then repeat it back
in "you" form (make it a statement said to you instead of by
you). Attribute that thought to a part of your mind that commonly has those
type of energies or desires and give that part a name. Once you identify
which helper is active at a given time, you can then dialogue a bit with it.
Irene had committed to watching
her calorie intake. But halfway through an afternoon of hassling with tax
documents, “I started to wonder if those were the leftover donuts I could hear,
beckoning me all the way from the break room.” She was gung-ho, now she was starting
to waver.
So she stated the sentiment: “I
just thought, 'I should go see if there are any donuts left.' Oh, 'go see.'
That's an interesting way of putting it--not necessarily eat one, just gather
recon. Which part my mind said, 'You should go see if there are any donuts
left'? Let's see: Is that Hunger talking? Not really. Still full enough from
lunch. Sweet Tooth maybe? Actually, I think it's Rebel talking: 'You're not
going to just keep working, are you? Well okay, but if we can't play hooky, the
least you can do is feed me another glazed with sprinkles!’
“So I said, ‘Thanks Rebel, I
appreciate you calling attention to the fact that it’s been all work and no
play lately. Remember we’re going out of town this weekend for some long
awaited R&R. Just hang in there a couple more days!’”
Aaron had avoided porn for a
couple of months, but his wife was at her sister's place for the weekend. He
walked in to get ready for bed and discovered her iPad on the dresser. Unlike his
laptop, it's not password protected. "’Nope,’ I said to myself, and I turn
to walk into the bathroom. But then I realize my heart's pounding and I'm
breathless. Ahh. Wow! That suddenly: launch sequence initiated. I need to
explore that a bit. What was I just thinking? 'I didn't go looking, the
opportunity just fell into my lap!' Okay, which one of you in there said, 'You
didn't seek it out so, hey, you get a free pass'? Was that Lester the
Luster--always hoping and hungry? Not particularly. It's not so much sex itself
I'm craving. Just been a long day and I'm still feeling tense. Soother, that's
you in there, isn't it, looking for a little tenderness. Or maybe Escapist,
craving blissful oblivion. Well, I appreciate the input guys, I really do. But
that hasn't worked out so well for me in the past, as you'll recall."
Lyle caught himself checking
out a pretty girl as he drove by the high school as class was getting out. “I
should get a better look in the rearview mirror,” he thought. Usually he would
have either given into that urge and perhaps continued to think about the girl…
or berated himself for having the urge: “Seriously? Half your age! What’s wrong
with you?!”
This time, instead, he caught
that he’d had the thought. He switched it from “I…” to “You should get a better look in the rearview mirror.” Then he
started a dialogue. “Hey, who in there said that, telling me to take another
look?” He quickly realized, that’s Teenage Brain. He thinks I’m still sixteen.
He thinks if I swung the car around and pulled over to flirt with her she just
might recognize me from behind the KFC counter [where he used to work as a
kid]. If we hit it off she might even eventually go to prom with me. “Well,” he
said to Teenage Brain, “Thanks for the suggestion, but no thanks. You may not even
know this, but I’m actually 33. And I’m driving right now to pick up my
daughter from preschool. Checking out a high school girl in the rear view
mirror doesn’t serve me very well. In fact falling to temptations like that
have actually really messed up my life.
“I understand that you’re just
doing what you think is your job by trying to help me by find someone cute, but
I actually found someone long ago. Katy is a beautiful woman, a grown woman,
and I’ve committed to be true and faithful to her. Whenever I’ve listened to
you, let you take the helm of my life, I end up doing things that really hurt
her. She wants to know that I’m faithful in body and mind.
“I know you made life very
exciting by always being on the lookout for the next cute girl, but what you
don’t understand is that life’s not just about going gaga over someone who’s
hot. It’s okay that you don’t understand that. It’s my job to remember the big
picture, not yours. I know I need to temper that kind of eager enthusiasm by
healthy doses of wisdom and restraint.”
Kelly was riding the stationary
bike at the gym one day when he noticed an attractive woman running on the
treadmill right in front of him. He turned away only to see another beauty
using an elliptical machine to his right. Before learning acceptance based
coping strategies he would have ogled and lusted away for awhile… or gritted
his teeth and stared blankly into space and hoped against hope that he wouldn’t
see anyone else he found attractive or “triggering.”
This time, instead, Kelly
couldn’t help but laugh to himself. My mind is sort of like a fishnet, he
thought, picking up everything in it’s path. Then he realized, That’s exactly
what I do all day. At the refinery all I do is notice. I’m supposed to catch
any equipment that’s out of order, any safety rule that’s being ignored. They
pay me 80K a year to show up in Fishnet mode. Fishnet feeds my family! He’s one
of the most important features of my mind!
“Okay Fishnet,” Kelly said to
himself, “You’re there, your strong, and your good at doing your job. But
today’s my day off. I’m here to work out. I appreciate that you think you need
to keep noticing 24/7, but this is one area where your noticing is just not
that helpful. So thanks, but no thanks Fishnet.”
Instead of locking horns with
their energies and drives, Irene, Aaron, Lyle and Kelly all acknowledged the
benevolent intent of their helpers. But then they proceeded to give their
helpers additional information that they hadn’t previously been privy to. They
kindly but firmly let them know they wouldn’t be taking the driver’s seat and
explained why. This was so different from previous attempts to forcefully
wrestle the steering wheel away from these helpers, which only met with
resistance and served to heighten the helpers’ strength and determination to
get their way.
Homework Assignment:
Pay particular attention this
week during moments of temptation and/or other states of mind that don’t serve
you very well. See if you can identify one or more of your inner helpers and
what they’re trying to do for you. Take time to profile them, exploring when
and why they might have developed in your life.
What function were they trying
to play then? Are they convinced that that is a job that still needs to be
done? Why?
Come up with a name to address
them by. If you can’t think of a fitting name, just call them by the name of a
color, such as “Red” or “Gray.”
Dialogue with them, letting
them know that you’re starting to understand that they’ve been doing their very
best to help you. But then remind them that they’re not fully informed; they
don’t see the entire picture the way you can. Let them know that, with their
limits, they will no longer be allowed to take the driver’s seat of your life.
Try writing out one or two of
the dialogues you have with your helpers to see if that process is as productive
for you as it is for many people.
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