How Can I Get Over Him Looking at Porn?

Dr. Chamberlain,

My name is Tamara. I found your blog searching, "do all men look at porn?" on Google.

I don't really even know exactly what to say to you. Except that I don't know what to say to my husband and it seems like you have put together a really informative website.

I found porn on my husband's phone for the first time in our 10 years together. I brought it up to him but thought I could be cool with it, and just kind of acted like I didn't care. But then I found it again. And realized I couldn't not care. It really hurt me. I ended up flipping out. He said he wouldn't do it again but I just don't know.

Everything I am seeing and being told by friends is that it's totally normal and I'm being irrational. I want so badly to discuss this with my husband but I feel so ashamed. Ugh. I really hate that I'm so hurt and sad and trying to get past it, but at the same time, I'm slow to discuss this with him because I don't want to keep bringin it up and make him feel badly, if that makes sense.

I was actually told by a friend of mine that I'm just trying to beat him up about it. Which is far from the truth.

I want to feel about him the way that I used to. I feel ridiculous trying to hide my tears randomly throughout the day. I hate that I am not over this. It's 5 months ago, he told me he wouldn't do it anymore. He said all the right things, really. Said he could understand my point, held me, told me I am beautiful and sexy. Makes love to me. Told me he could do without anything I didn't want him to have.

Also, in the course of me trying to shut up and not care I (immaturely) broke the cell phone, and the replacement phone. I find that I keep looking at the videos he watched and feeling betrayed all over again. It's almost like a cut that won't heal because I keep picking the scab.

I had our 4th baby in march. Since then with breastfeeding and dieting and exercising I've lost almost 40 lbs. Everyone is complimenting me, I was feeling great. But then last weekend my husband asked me if I still take a multivitamin, I said, yes why. He went on to say that he was just worried because he doesn't think I've been eating right and was concerned. Seriously? Fine, I would hope if he thought something was wrong that he'd speak up out of concern. But I wanted so badly to tell him that his choice of porn didn't really do a lot for my self image. Do you think I didn't notice their little young flat bellies and lack of stretch marks? Is it really that crazy to think I'd compare myself to those girls and then think , hmm, he doesn't get an erection and jerk off when he looks at me in my underwear. Seriously, the most horrible scathing remarks were just flying through my mind but all I could do was smile then go in the bathroom and cry, look at a video and smash the cell phone on the ground. While of course, running the water and having the fan on so he wouldn't hear. Because I'm trying to let it go and not beat him up about it. But what's happening is I'm beating myself up.

So, I don't know. Should I bring it up to him again? I have told him how I felt and he did listen. And didn't brush off my feelings then. So does that mean I should just keep trying to put it out of my head and focus on how great he is and how wonderful he is to me? And do you have any advicce on how I could go about doing either of those courses of action?

-Tamara


Tamara,

Please don't be so hard on yourself for reacting "irrationally" and for having such intense feelings in response to the revelation of your husband's involvement in porn. You're trying to get past it, but the hurt lingers. You hate that you're so hurt and sad. You feel ashamed for reacting in what you feel is a ridiculous way. But there are perfectly good reasons for your strong reactions.


The relationship with our primary attachment figure is quite a primal thing. Our reaction when that relationship seems threatened in some way is more visceral than logical. Our world starts spinning and we feel disoriented. We panic and feel very driven to act. Our instinct is to scrutinize the threat (your impulse to watch the videos), monitor our attachment figure and our connection to them (for some that means seeking sex to make sure he still wants it, checking his internet use) cling (needing frequent contact and reassurance), and protest (letting him know how much you're hurting because of what he's done).


I saw these attachment instincts in operation last week when my friend talked about losing his job. Sure he was concerned about how they were going to pay their bills and make ends meet. But what really dialed his number--to a degree he hadn't expected in the least--was how threatening it felt to him to suddenly lose his status as provider in his wife's eyes. He'd felt a sense of confidence and admiration coming from her for almost twenty years, so there was no logical reason to doubt that she'd stick with him through this difficult time. Yet he suddenly needed to have her nearby--in fact right next to him--for periods of time every day. He found it hard to breathe and sleep. And he found himself in tears when she looked him in the eyes and promised she'd always be there for him and they'd make it through this together.

Tamara, there's only one way your husband will be able to help you feel more secure. That's for you to open up to him about the tenderheartedness you feel right now. It seems so clear to me that he will respond well to that. So far he has done everything he can to help you feel more secure. However, he hasn't helped as much as he can, in part because you're keeping from him the depths of your need. Your current level of emotional intensity, your current level of need doesn't mean you're weak. It speaks to how much your husband means to you!


Go to him and lovingly taking his hands in yours and looking deep into his eyes. Tell him that you appreciate all he's done to address the issue and help you feel more secure. But then open up to him. Perhaps something like, "Honey, I love you so much... you mean so much to me... that the very idea of something coming between us... that you turned away from me and sought out other women's bodies to get sexually turned on... especially at this time when I'm feeling insecure about my body because of age and recovery from pregnancy... it has totally turned my world upside-down. I feel panicky. I don't want to doubt you because I know how much you love me. You've done everything you know to help me feel secure again. But would you be willing to keep working with me if I need more help from you? If no one but you can help me heal the hurt that's in my heart, would you be willing to stick with me and do whatever it takes? Will you listen as I keep voicing my irrational fears? Can I vent to you even if it's sometimes anger at you? Are all my feelings safe to bring up? Will you be here with me to listen and feel them with me even if they seem crazy? I need you right by me. I need to be able to open up about what's really going on inside. I want to keep feeling about you the way I've always felt. I need to look into your eyes and know that you're joining me in what I'm going through, even if I don't always get it. I need you now more than I've ever needed you before. Will you be there for me even in the dark place of this struggle I'm having now?"

If he's willing to listen, pass along this pointer on how to do it in a helpful way. He can draw close physically, touch you in some way, look you in the eye at least some of the time, and let his heart be soft and open to your experience. If he feels himself start to clench his jaw or tighten his gut, soften those and move that energy to his heart. He is to just let himself feel with you whatever you're feeling. Empathize. That feeling will show on his face and reassure you that he's letting your feelings in. He is with you in them, not distancing from them. He is "joining you in the puddle," as we sometimes put it. He can put into words what he senses you're feeling if it seems fitting, but that's not the most important part of the process. 90% of the communication between the two of you will be nonverbal. Over time he can also make promises about the future or apologize for hurting you or reassure you he still finds you attractive, but for awhile at least he should have those instincts standby as he merely empathizes and validates what you're going through.


Tamara, give your husband this chance! He is the very kind of guy who gives us guys a good name! Sue Johnson has said, "To suffer is inevitable, but to suffer alone is unbearable." Some suffering will continue for you, no doubt, but you can also experienc immense relief if you'll reach out and open up to him.


I know this probably sounds like very intimidating path. Thanks for taking the time to really consider it. Please keep in touch and let us know how it goes!

--Mark