She also happens to be struggling with a pornography and masturbation habit.
We've met together for the better part of a year. She's doing better, but unfortunately still struggling. She's so sincere and motivated. She keeps showing up and doing all her homework. It inspires me.
When she starts to get down on herself, I remind her: "I'm dang good at what I do, and I'm struggling to figure this one out just like you are. But we haven't failed. We just haven't completely succeeded yet!"
Doesn't mean we're approaching the process wrong; it's just the nature of this struggle sometimes. We're still playing detective, looking for what's leading her to falter, exploring why her craving mindset is so insulated from her wise mind, and trying to address those issues as we identify them.
The fact that her treatment has taken a while has given us the chance to discuss quite a few of the tools and techniques that I've found to be helpful for other clients over the years. The fact that she's an editor has led her to pare down my wordy material into straightforward stop-drop-and-roll type steps.
She was nice enough to let me share the document with you:
When you feel the trigger…
Thoughts to look out for:
- “I’ll just do_____, I won’t actually get all the way to______”
- “Just one time isn’t a big deal.”
- “The consequences won’t be that big of a deal. It’s worth it.”
- -ack of thought. Just Action.
- like Avoiding something
- Stressed
- Lonely
- Overwhelmed
- Bored
How to avoid acting on temptations:
Shift modes
- Accept: “Oh, good. A chance to practice mastery.
- Breathe: A few nice, full breaths.
- Notice: focus on specific sight, touch, and sound.
- Vision: picture an image that captures the feeling of freedom
- Choose: now that you are free, make a choice (hint: choose freedom)
- Surf the feeling
- Recognize the thoughts for what they are.
- Don’t fight the urges, let them come on, but don’t succumb to them, either.
- Where do you feel it?
- How much time did it happen for?
- Observe, observe, observe.
- Reach out to others
- Call up someone and groan.
- Tell people what you are doing online, and how long you will be doing it for.
- Just talk to someone.
- Make any sort of human connection to fulfill that need.
- Someone is in the room who can see the screen.
- Tell someone what I am doing and when I will be finished.
- Stick to your white list (agreed upon safe sites)
- Picture 8 year old and 13 year old Wendy, and how much you have grown
- What would I do for a child that age who was in need. (Wouldn't give them sex!)
- Go in the conference room with the sad little part of you that gives into temptation
- Think of what other options you have. There are options.
Surrender the temptation
What to do after you mess up:
- Pray.
- Know that you are too weak to fight on your own, ask for help
- Turn to the scriptures
- Set a time that you can mess up at
- Prepare for that time with previous steps, reading, praying, etc…
- If you mess up at that time, let yourself. Delaying is the point.
- Do after messing up if you have to, but eventually try to make it before.
- Do the dishes, or ten jumping jacks every time you mess up, or before you mess up.
- Imagine the sensation after messing up
- Imagine yourself messing up (not the actual process, just pretend it already happened)
What to do after you mess up:
- Keep a journal
- Record ups and downs,
- Record emotions before and after mess ups.
- Tell someone
- Within 15 minutes, let someone know you messed up.
- It’s a bump in the road, not a wrong turn.
- Don’t stress, as stress goes down, so will mess ups.
- Christ has already won the greatest battle, anyway. If you’re doing well,
- celebrate that. If not, take solace in it.
- Keep a playful attitude. It’s like a game. Satan doesn’t get humor. It is a
- freedom of mind. He isn’t a free being.
- Progressing slowly and the problem not going away look similar, but they’re not the
- same thing!
- Going through the first few actions in the process of messing up, then stopping, to prove there is an exit option.
- Make a paper chain, string of beads, etc. marking successful and unsuccessful days.
How sad. Here's a young woman, expressing her sex drive. She has the opportunity to have a really healthy, wonderful sex life with her eventual husband (or wife, I suppose). But you're telling her that it's bad and wrong.
ReplyDeleteWendy, if you're out there and reading this: please know that not everyone thinks porn is wrong. In fact, many people have absolutely no problem with it. The bible does not say "porn is wrong." Like most things, it's a matter of interpretation. There's no evidence that it warps people's minds or makes them objectify women / men. Moreover, I can guarantee you that 99% of the guys your age look at porn regularly. Start talking to them and you'll realize just how normal your feelings are.
Yes, many women don't look at porn. This is not because you're dirty or worse in any way; it's simply that you're more visually stimulated. Most women DO masturbate, but they do so with their imaginations rather than using something visual.
Just remember this as you struggle. You're struggling because you're fighting *natural* and *healthy* thoughts. Exploring them now and REJOICING in them will ensure that you'll understand them when the time comes. Be happy that you have a healthy sex drive! Enjoy it!
Look up idolitry .. just the fax not a interpation
DeleteJulia your are playing right where Satan wants you. The word fornication is translated from the Greek word porneia from where we get pornography.
DeleteI am living proof that porn is not healthy. It messes with your brain, emotions and attitude. My body got to the point where it couldn't function right with or without porn.
Kinda hard to, "let this mind be in you that also was in Christ Jesus" when you're filling your mind with images that Jesus would never have had in his.
And, contrary to some belief, the Bible is not open to private interpretation. It says exactly what it means to say in the context of the words used. When the normal sense makes sense, don't try to twist it into something else. That is done by those that do not want to accept the truth.
On your steps for after messing up you say tell someone within 15 minutes. How important is that? My husband always told me - for 5 years he told me every time he messed up. About a year and a half ago I decieded to "change the rules", after much prayer and meditation I felt that he felt most accountable to me and not to God, and if he was ever going to beat this he needed to feel most accountable to God -and me just as a support, not as someone he is accountable to. He could tell me if he wanted (and most the time he did) - but he didn't have to. It seemed to work for about 8 or 9 months. He actually did really great. But now he harldy ever tells me, but I know he is looking more and more regularly. Should he be telling me? - should he be accountable to me?
ReplyDeleteJulia-
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your advice and concern for me, but I don't think you really understand my situation. Yes, at first it was a curiosity. At first it was coming to terms with my sex drive and what that meant. But it has become much more than that. It is an addiction, and no matter what it is about, addictions simply are not healthy. Reading Harry Potter isn't a sin, but if it controls my life, obviously it's something that needs to be worked on.
Pornography was ruining my life. My self-esteem plummeted, I felt isolated from other people, all I ever wanted to do was look at porn. I lost the spirit and all connections with God. I was depressed. I lashed out at others. I did poorly in my school work. Simply put, I was a mess.
Ever since confessing to my brother, my parents, and eventually my church leader, my life has changed. I am happier, lighter. I am more productive. I trust myself more, and I trust others more. I feel like what I am going through is normal, not some secret shame that I should be disgusted with myself for. Yes, I still struggle with my addiction to pornography, but I have coping mechanisms! I feel the love of God in my life as I go through this process with the appropriate mindset and attitude.
I am not concerned about having a normal sex life in the future. In fact, I know going through this will help me have a correct perception of what is healthy in a relationship. Sex isn't bad! Immorality is bad. And I know that with repentance and by being close to the spirit I will be able to remain moral until I am in the right time and place in my life, with the right person.
My wife doesn't want me to watch porn but she reads erotic literature. She is very defensive when I tell her that is a double standard.
ReplyDeleteI think that intellectualizing a way to control cravings of the flesh is a futile effort. It's effective for a very short time, if at all. To win against impure temptations, we must keep calling on God until our connection with Him is so strong that He takes the burden each time we ask Him to. To get to that point of real intent in prayer, prepare a convincing document that includes legal and spiritual consequences for impure sin and what to do about, so that conscience can press us to our knees. Then look at that document whenever tempted in the least bit. The document will grow in size, but the Lord will lead the content, as we're prayerful.
ReplyDelete