She's Been Hurt by Your Porn Use? Three Ways to Help Her Heal

Vance wrote, “Two months my wife caught me looking at porn on my phone. For me it was a relief--I haven’t felt this free in years. Getting this out in the open was just what I needed to finally put it behind me. But it's torn into Rachel so deep, I don’t know if she'll recover. Or our marraige. In fact, it keeps getting worse, not better. Can we get back what we had before? I'm scared that it's ruined our relationship.”


Vance, it’s important for you to know why the news of your porn use hurt Rachel so deeply: precisely because you are so important to her. She relies on your relationship to give her a sense that everything is alright in the world, and so her universe has been turned upside-down. The fact that she cares so deeply is a promising sign that, with work, the two of you will be able to draw together and heal your marriage. Here are three ways you can work on it:


1. Take time to hear about her hurt. Your emotional reflexes tell you to pull back: “She’s hurting, give her space. She’s wounded, give her time to heal.” Don’t do it! She needs you close. You’re the source of her pain on the one hand, but mostly you’re “her primary attachment figure,” the one she instinctively reaches for when she’s struggling and in need. Follow your deeper protective instinct: Spend more time right there beside her. Keep asking her what was on her mind and in her heart at the end of each day, even though she might have a hard time opening up because it was fear and doubt and hurt again today. She’s not harboring that pain, she’s not relishing the victim role, it just takes a long, long, long, long, long (get the point?) time to get it all out. In order to move forward, she needs to be able to look you in the eye and see that you really get how deeply she’s been impacted by your virtual infidelity. And she needs to know that you’ll keep being there for her each time a new wave of hurt knocks her down.


2. Be patient with her regression. When we were toddlers, we had to check in with our primary attachment figure (for most of us it was our mother) every few minutes in order to recharge emotionally and feel secure. As we got older, we didn’t have to check in as often to know that we are just fine on our own for awhile and they would be there for us if we really needed them. By the time we reach adulthood and our spouse has become our primary attachment figure, we can still feel connected and secure even if, for example, one spouse is away on extended military deployment. However, when something like pornography seems to threaten our bond, a switch inside of us flips, turning us back into an emotional toddler. This process may make your wife preoccupied with the relationship during the day and unable to function at her usual tasks. She may cry, withdraw or lash out more readily than usual. If so, be patient and stay close (if that’s what she prefers) during her time of emotional turmoil. If she asks for time apart, see if she means different rooms for twenty minutes or so, rather than assuming that she wants you to move out.


3. Respect her need for physical proof. Temporarily, during her worst period of insecurity, she may need to hear more often than usual where you are and what you’re up to. And she may have a hard time believing you even when you’re telling the truth. She may want to keep checking your internet history and read all your emails from female coworkers. She may grill you about your past pornography use and want to know if it was going on during key events in your life together. She may ask you if you’re attracted to this neighbor and that actress and that new woman at church. She may doubt her own beauty and question whether she’s enough to keep you attentive and devoted in the future. This may start to feel like a no win situation, but each time she asks, she wants to see and hear you be attentive. When it starts to feel like you’re being interrogated and your patience wears thin, hear her emotional pleading behind each question: “You are so important to me. My world turns on how you feel about me. I don’t want anything to threaten what we share together. Tell me again that I come first in your life!” Logically she may know that porn is no match for what you share together, but she just had the emotional rug ripped out from under her and now she’s unsure of her footing. So tell her again (and again and again) that she comes first in your life. 


Remember: everything you’ve built together, everything you’ve shared together, everything you’ve felt together is still there! It hasn’t been obliterated by pornography, just buried. With your help, she can heal. And with her help, so can you. Working together, you can make your marriage stronger than it has ever has been before!


Stay in touch Vance! And the rest of you, too. Comment below to let us know how it's going on your journey to healing as a couple.