In a Porn Rut?

At the end of our phone conversation, Gloria concluded that while her boyfriend, Robert, may not be addicted, he'd certainly fallen into a bad rut with porn. Here were the signs:

• Robert had sex with an inanimate object--his computer--more often than he had sex with Gloria, even though she was interested and available. In fact, the day before she called me, he'd viewed porn online two times. That was twice as much as they'd made love the entire week.
• Robert was becoming more and more irritable. He had sometimes displayed a temper in the past, but had typically been kind and thoughtful to Gloria, his friends, his sister, and their aging father. He seemed to be under a dark cloud.
• Robert's vitality had been waning. He was spending more time at an aspect of his business that paid the bills but did not challenge his mind or engage him. It required only that he show up, and so that's what he did--barely. He had let go of aspects of the business that made less money but gave him more satisfaction and engaged his mind.
• Robert still said all the right words--he told Gloria he loved her and couldn't live without her. But when she came home from work he often seemed distracted. When Gloria would go to find him in the house and try to connect, he seemed more vacant and aloof.
• Even one day when Gloria had called to let him know she was on her way home, she had walked in to find him shuffling into the next room with his laptop in hand and his elbows barely holding up his pants. This experience gave Gloria the distinct impression that looking at porn online had become a higher priority to Robert than she was. 

Gloria concluded that whether or not Robert was willing to continue the status quo, she was not. She confronted him about his behavior. She made the continuation of their relationship contingent on him getting out of his porn rut.

I hope Robert does whatever it takes to get out. From all I can tell, He and Gloria have so many of the other ingredients that make for a strong and secure relationship, if he'll subtract the porn. He may need some help along the way. From Gloria's description, it sounds as though he may be suffering from a clinically significant level of depression. I'm not sure whether his lack of energy and initiative came first and made him more vulnerable to the porn rut, or whether all the porn has drained his drive. Either way, it's not just his relationship that will get better--his entire life will start looking up once he's back out of the porn rut.

If you can relate to Robert or Gloria, I hope you'll decide right now that today is the day to start turning things around. Let him know how you feel. Tell her about your struggle. Working together you can make things different and better. And when you hit bumps along the way, that's what we're here for. My confidential cell phone number is 801-564-7566. We get calls from folks in your situation every day and we know how to help. It's our passion! If you've intended to call before but never quite gotten around to it, don't let another day pass. A rut is no place to stay when a better life--the life you deserve--is waiting for you on the other side.

True Salve for the Raw Soul

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sometimes I feel lousy--emotionally all jagged and out of sorts. It's hard to even be around people, let alone talk to them. To actually speak to someone about how I'm feeling in such moments? That's the last think I want to do. To open up to the one person in my life I most want to impress and reassure--my wife? Now that just feels all wrong!
And yet, when I read this passage from an obscure 19th century text, I sense that this writer tapped a deep well of wisdom:

"When a man is borne down with trouble, when he is perplexed with care and difficulty, if he can meet a smile... if he can meet mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings; when the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace of affection and kindness." This author writes, further, that “It is the duty of a husband to love, cherish, and nourish his wife, and cleave unto her and none else; he ought to honor her as himself, and he ought to regard her feelings with tenderness, for she is his flesh, and his bone, designed to be an help unto him, both in temporal, and spiritual things; one into whose bosom he can pour all his complaints without reserve, who is willing (being designed) to take part of his burden, to soothe and encourage his feelings by her gentle voice."

Porn's pull can feel irresistible during our down times--when we are borne down with trouble, perplexed with care and difficulty, when the mind is going to despair. The escape of sexual fantasy can seem like the very thing that will hit the spot in such moments. To reach out instead can feel like a bad idea. We can barely imagine pouring into the bosom of our one-and-only all our complaints without reserve in the hopes that the solace of her affection and kindness will calm down our soul and soothe our feelings. The idea that she'd be willing to take part of our burden and soothe and encourage our feelings by her gentle voice--wow! How would that be?! I ask you, does the emotional intimacy and forthright way of relating described in the above passage sound possible? Appealing? Scary? Gratifying for sure, if only you could manage to pull it off?

When we crave, a part of our brain lies to us, telling us that porn itself is the way to touch an intimate (albeit anonymous!) other, in the ultimate, tender way described above. The brain is rightfully registering, "that's exactly what I need" and wrongfully concluding, "I'm gonna get it by way of these pictures."

Our brains have linked sex to intimacy, and rightfully so. But porn pretends to offer sex but delivers absolutely no intimacy, which empties the equation not only of all its deeper meaning but also of its capacity to satisfy us in a way that is lasting and settling to the soul. No wonder we crave it more and more over time. Porn is to the soul what liquor is to the alcoholic's body: empty calories that quench a craving and tell us we just consumed exactly everything we really need.

We don't see people healing a porn addiction by having hotter sex with their real-life partner. But we do see couples becoming more emotionally intimate as partners--that we see all the time. Then that opens the door to better sex, because sex has become so much more than scratching an itch or quenching a thirst. Reaching and touching have become amazing realizations of, full manifestations of, the deep feelings and sense of connection each partner has toward the other.

Next time your soul is raw, take the risk and reach out for the true salve. Connecting emotionally with your partner is a process that will take time, but someday you'll look back on it as the very thing that contributed as much or more to your happiness than any thing else in your life.

Whether you've already arrived at that destination, are well on your way, or just starting on this journey, please call and let me know how it's going. I genuinely care about you and your progress! My confidential cell phone number is 801-564-7566. I'd love to hear from you and be able to cheer you on as you make climb. Sometimes I'm in session or with the family, so if I don't answer please leave a message and I'll call you back soon. Some of the calls I get turn into one-time, half-hour chats. Others turn into the beginning of a counseling partnership. I relish both kinds because I love nothing more than watching people find their way to freedom from addiction! It is, to quote the luggage salesman in "Joe Versus the Volcano," the central preoccupation of my life.

Willpower Boost #3: Live by Choice

Here's a dynamic that can perpetuate addiction: You spend a lot of time and energy trying to satisfy others, accomodate their preferences, meet their needs. Or perhaps you respond more to an internal sense of how you should be living, the right things to do, the worthwhile ways of spending your time.

Of course there's absolutely nothing wrong with being generous and trying to do the right thing, in and of themselves. However, you may be among those who find that if you operate with these guiding principles always at the forefront day after day, you burn out. If so, it might help to ease off those efforts, relax, and enjoy yourself in a balanced way, in a way that complements your usual effort and selflessness.

But what if you're not in the habit of allowing yourself that balance? At some point your resolve may weaken to keep living the way you "should." You may get sick of doing for others and find yourself more and more focused on yourself. You may find that you care less and less about what's right and become more and more focused on what would feel good.

You may find that you can't sustain your efforts to deny yourself forever, and at some point the pendulum swings. You become selfish to an extreme, throw off the usual restraints, and even thoroughly flout your own conscience.

If this cycle sounds familiar, please recognize this: the problem isn't just in that final collapse. It's also in the buildup before the collapse. As men with similar struggles establish a life of recovery, we see them do something very important: Give themselves permision to choose between doing for others and doing for themselves.

Charles, for example, was focused 99% of the time on doing for others and meeting their needs. His sisters-in-law raved about what a dream husband he was, always the first to change his kids' diapers and entertain all the cousins at family gatherings.

Everyone at his law firm came to him with difficult problems. He'd put aside his own work to help them navigate a tough case, even if that meant staying at work past midnight sometimes to get everything done. It was not uncommon for him to mediate problems between partners at the firm. Charles was the glue that held things together.

His siblings and parents often looked to Charles as well. If someone needed extra money to pay their bills, they'd call Charles. When one sister started a project the rest of the family thought was crazy, she knew she could count on Charles to take her seriously. He even pitched in some funds to help with start-up.

Nothing wrong with any of this, except that Charles could only sustain it 99% of the time. Then there was that blasted other 1%. Those were the times when he found himself burned out--exhausted and depleted. Sometimes, in the middle of a day like that, a judge would postpone a hearing or there'd be some other unexpected change in his schedule, leaving him with a couple hours of time where he was not accountable to anyone.

Charles had the freedom to sneak out and ride his bike or fly a remote control airplane, if he'd been so inclined. But he just wasn't very good at doing things for himself. In fact, he was quite clumsy about it. Instead of doing something along those lines, Charles would drive downtown and pick up a prostitute.

He hated this habit and had tried to kick it from the day it had started twelve years ago. However, he didn't have much luck until five years ago, when he started to take better care of himself in his everyday life.

He still pitched in around the house and put the kids and his wife first, most of the time. But sometimes he admitted, "I'm exhausted," and walked into the bedroom first thing after getting home from work, and laid down for a nap. This was very hard for him to do, because he knew his wife, Carrie, wouldn't be happy about it. At least at the time. But as he pushed through that discomfort and more often did what he felt like doing, he found that she got over her upset pretty quickly. In fact, she knew he was tired because of everything he was doing for their family. Most of the time she appreciated him and supported his efforts to take care of himself.

It was hardest for Charles to feel like he was letting Carrie down. It was not quite as difficult, but still a stretch, to say no to one of his partners when she brought an inner-office conflict to him, expecting him to jump in and help resolve it. Instead he listened, nodded, and expressed his confidence: "Go back and keep trying. I'm sure that you and Sherm will find a way to work it out between the two of you." And they did. At least she never complained of the matter to Charles again.

He crossed a final hurdle the next time a family member approached him for financial help. His big brother was upside-down on a truck he'd purchased a couple of years earlier, and had fallen behind on payments. Could he get a little help? Or better yet, did Charles need a new truck? He empathized with his difficult situation, expressed full faith that he'd find a way to work it out, but declined to give him money or take on the truck and the payments. It was so freeing to walk away from that interaction feeling love for his brother without feeling like he'd taken on his burdens. He accepted that his brother may resent the lack of help, but even that burden would not be his to bear, but his brother's.

It's very freeing to live by choice rather than out of pressure or to meet expectations or in an effort to keep up appearances. We free ourselves from the buildup of resentment and feelings of rebelliousness that can put us at greater risk for relapse. When we choose how we're going to live and take responsibility for those choices even in the face of pressure, we more fully emancipate from all of the controlling factors in our life--even our addiction. Here's why: as my mentor, Craig Berthold, taught me: our addictions often serve as vehicles of emancipation. Once we emancipate legitiately and courageously, we no longer need those old illegitimate and ineffective vehicles. Once we can say to everyone in our life: "I love you and I want you to be happy... but I am no longer going to let you control my life. I get to choose--I have to choose!--how I am going to live. And now that I am, I love you more than ever, because I no longer resent you and the power I used to give you over me!"