How to Neutralize the Urge to View Porn

Try breathing and noticing.

It doesn't always work (dang it), but it's a good weapon to have in your arsenal for when you're ambushed by temptation.

Whenever I teach about methods to use in the heat of the moment here on this blog, in a podcast, or in person with clients, "breathing and noticing" is the method that I always get the most positive feedback on.

(I take that back. People have the most success with a method that's not from the realm of psychology. It's a spiritual tactic: the surrender prayer. Surrendering your obsession or desire to your Higher Power. Most people don't learn that one from me, they learn it in their twelve-step group. But I will certainly suggest it to clients if they're religious at all but don't attend twelve-step meetings.)

Of all of the psychological methods I teach people, people seem to get the most mileage out of this simple mindfulness exercise, breathing and noticing:

Feel an urge? Take a nice, full breath. As you exhale notice something you can see. Pick one point in your entire visual field: right where the wire meets the telephone pole outside your window. Notice exactly what it looks like this very second. What color is it? Is it lighter or darker than what's around it? Okay, take another nice, full breath. Close your eyes and notice something you can hear. What, exactly does it sound like at this very second? High or low pitched? Constant or discrete? Is it a steady or undulating sound? That's good. Now breathe and rub lightly on some surface with your forefingers of your dominant hand. Touch your sleeve or the armrest of your chair. Notice its texture as if you were touching it for the first time.

Good! It's taken you less than a minute to try it out. Repeat the process one more time for good measure.

It may not seem like you just meditated, but breathing and noticing is actually is a simple mindfulness exercise. More and more research is demonstrating that mindfulness can be a valuable aid in recovery from addiction.

But why? It's such a simple process! How does it work? Why does it help?

The processing capacities of the human brains is limited. It is decent at multi-tasking, but sometimes must select between two thoughts.

As the brain selects where to devote attention, all possible topics are not treated equally; our brains are biased. Thought content with the highest emotional salience is high in the pecking order. That's why addictive urges sometimes win out over the spreadsheet I should be creating or even thoughts about how much I love my family.

However, there's something that the brain knows is an even higher priority than an emotionally charged memory or future opportunity. The brain operates according to what neuroscientists have dubbed the "Reality First Principle." This means that "what's real now" gets highest priority.

Nervous system avenues can only handle so much traffic, and when we're focused on something that's real now it's as though the traffic cop in the brain holds up her palm to that plan about how we could pursue sex right now or that memory of a sexual experience we've had before. She says, "The avenue of consciousness is in use right now with traffic more important than you. It's busy with what's happening right now, which I always give the right of way."

Here's the cool part: What's real now may just be a the sight little old telephone wire or the feel of a sweater sleeve--something emotionally neutral or even boring. Nonetheless, the mind doesn't really have a choice, the brain's reality first principle holds true. Surprisingly, these little here-and-now sensations hold more sway than an emotionally intense fantasy or image.

Obviously, we can't focus on the telephone wire forever, but sometimes just a minute or two of breathing and noticing is enough to break the trance of craving, to detour the mind from the insanity of euphoric recall and lust.

At other times it's not enough, and it doesn't work...

But isn't it worth a try?

How Can I Help My Porn-Addicted Husband?

This is what I'll be talking about today on KSL TV's Studio 5. Wish me luck!


What do you say to a woman who has just discovered her husband has a pornography habit and is trying to decide whether to leave or stay?

1. Relationships can heal. The title of our book and blog reflect what we hear from women: I hate porn enough that part of me wants to leave; I love him, we've built a life together. They want to know: Is there a way to work together to heal and conquer this? There is! Couples are stronger together than as individuals and they heal better with each other's help.

2. Work as a team. Women feel left out: "He deals with porn on his own. I'm an outsider and only occasionally get a window into how he's doing--and then by accident or because I do detective work." That's not a relationship. They're more willing to stay if it becomes us--husband and wife together--working against the problem of pornography. Men are surprised to hear, "Your dishonesty and secrecy hurts me more than the porn use," but it's typically true. 

What can a wife do to help her husband overcome his pornography habit?

1. Cut yourself slack. Women say, "I'm not myself. I feel insecure, even paranoid. What's happening to me?" You're not going crazy. You thought you could count on your husband to be mentally faithful as well as physically. That got turned upside-down. Panic and confusion are natural reactions. It's traumatic. It takes time to get your bearings again.


2. Check in to rebuild trust. One clients said, "Just his answering the phone at work is reassuring." For a while you may need concrete evidence you can trust his word. 


3. Talk out feelings. Don't bottle up pain, fear, anger, hurt. Tell him, "Talking it out is how I'll heal." When something reminds you of his porn problem in a movie or in the middle of the day, talk it out. If you want him to just listen and reassure instead of defending, explaining, or promising to do better, tell him that. You're not holding it over his head and it won't go on forever. Just as his recovery is a gradual process, you're healing will take time, too. 

4. Support him. Assure him you want to be a part of his healing. He may been trying to do it on his own because he's ashamed and frustrated with himself. You're the most important person in his life, he hates letting you down! He thought just needed to be a man and kick this habit on his own without bothering you about it. Obviously that hasn't worked. Over time men realize: we are stronger together and do heal better with each other's help. Many men say, "I can't tell her about a close call or lapse. She can't handle it." The truth is, she can't handle it without getting emotional, and he has a hard time dealing with her emotions. Learning to tolerate emotions--his own and hers--is an important part of his recovery. In recovery he will get to the point where he can handle you being upset. 

5. Ask about feelings. If he says, "I struggled today with urges," don't ask, "What turned you on?" It's not about sex. Ask, "What dampened your spirits or hurt your feelings?" Men aren't used to exploring emotions, but if they don't reach out when they feel bad and talk out what's going on inside, they're more likely to act out sexually.

Instead of Porn, Try This

Hank had been tracking his close calls and lapses to porn for a couple of weeks. Now he looked like a cat who'd cornered a mouse. "I've seen a common denominator in eighty plus percent of instances."


I was very interested. Hank is good at gathering reconnaissance and combing through what he has recorded. He did it all day at work as a videographer.

"I tend to struggle when something earlier in the day hurt my feelings or dampened my spirits," Hank said.

Hank is like most of us. Our feelings get wounded or our spirits get trodden... and then the addicted brain tries to take over to help us feel better. 


We need to do more than just avoid acting out with porn. We need to reach out instead. Spill out. Moan out what's inside. Whine it out.

We can do it. Even we stoics are nothing more than reformed whiners. We may not remember that time in our lives, but it came so naturally when we were little that it just flowed. For most of us it wasn't all the time, just when it fit the situation.

Now we hold back, hold in... and store up. We find it hard to whine because we've been trained not to complain. "Come out of your room when you have a better attitude." "Cowboy up or go in the house with your mom and sister."

Despite our fears, whining won't turn us back into babies. There's not much risk of it taking over our entire personalities. We can do it part-time--we can moonlight--and only when we really need it.

Let's just make sure we do enough of it, when it's called for, or else we'll be in trouble. We'll be Jonesin' for some porn.

Hank is single, so he doesn't have a partner to complain to. 

Carol is married but she can't bear to whine to her husband. It feels to her like complaining aloud would wake up some remote gods and bring down their wrath. She's been keeping at bay most of her life by trying to be a good girl. Her father was an alcoholic. She had plenty to complain about. But her job was to be perfect, and part of that job was smiling and pretending everything was fine.

I wanted to give folks like Hank and Carol a forum here. If you're in their shoes, try out the "Crave Porn? Try Whining" tab at the top of this blog, far right side. Click there and complain away. It will be good for you. Tomorrow, you'll be glad you purged you feelings instead of escaping to porn.