tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577187331531947821.post2156664365235871934..comments2023-09-13T02:24:01.154-07:00Comments on Love You, Hate the Porn: My boyfriend secretly binges on porn. Should I bring it up?Mark Chamberlain, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16925212480252675196noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577187331531947821.post-38981935904515399612013-02-26T07:51:53.571-08:002013-02-26T07:51:53.571-08:00I think that with porn on the table, the basis of ...I think that with porn on the table, the basis of relationships is now about either dealing with pain (if porn is looked at as aberrational) or acceptance. Intimacy now means meeting one another in pain if porn is looked at as an aberration. So, women like Kimberly accept porn use as part of the "norm" in a relationship, because the alternative of being left with nothing but meeting in pain is unacceptable. If a woman accepts the porn, then at least she's not in pain constantly. It seems evident that the best anyone can hope for is that either a relationship is filled with "struggle" against porn or acceptance of it, and many people are choosing to accept it rather than to swim against the tide. Many women are exhausted from trying to maintain a standard that has long since gone by the wayside. It does not seem realistic for women to expect to be the "only one" in the current climate. So, it is about acceptance and expectations of relationships within the realistic landscape where porn is just part of the daily mix.Kathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05814422721784022788noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577187331531947821.post-92033621261085783402013-01-04T07:44:40.813-08:002013-01-04T07:44:40.813-08:00Poor Kimberly, I think she feels trapped. Sounds l...Poor Kimberly, I think she feels trapped. Sounds like the end of school might be close, and for her sake I hope that's true. She may not see him as a future mate but a means to an end. Financial concerns can make people put up with a lot, especially if she has a countdown in site. She sounds like she cares about him, but not a very fulfilling relationship!<br /><br />I have two daughters; 32 & 25. The 32 yr old has dealt with multiple men involved with porn and disgusted with men in general, but longs to find mister right. She has resorted to the fact that to start a family she may need to resort to artificial insemination since a man not involved with porn is hard to find, how sad! But this shows me young women are not ready to settle for men that won't treat them right, including porn addiction. But my daughter is strong and a lot of young women are not. Those women might be destined to just long for a meaningful deep relationship, also very sad.<br /><br />Unfortunately, porn is SO prevalent it seeps into the lives of even very good men like mine. I'm very fortunate my husband realized when I caught him with porn, he was in the wrong with our vows to each other. I realize from stories I hear from friends, I have a special man that values our relationship, he chose us instead of porn. It's very hard to avoid in TV & movies, making it seem ok. Men are hardwired to crave women, survival of the species. How hard it must be to always have candy in your face and say no.<br /><br />Yes your ideas might be old-fashion Mark, but it's a fashion that doesn't go out of style. I think everyone wants to have a great connection with their mate, and when they don't have it, they long for it and it causes unhappiness and unfulfilled desires. I know many young women that have said good-bye to their boyfriends that won't give up porn. Those young women are much more upfront at letting future boyfriends know what they won't tolerate.<br /><br />I have a hard time figuring out women like the above posts. I'm glad they found happiness in a relationship filled with porn, maybe they like it too and that's ok. I know some couples survive with porn in their lives, but I think it's unusual not the norm. Long conversations with both my daughters tell me that idea is not dead!<br />Keep up the good work Mark!!!Michelehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17340954729761042177noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577187331531947821.post-11917111177140102312013-01-02T12:13:58.157-08:002013-01-02T12:13:58.157-08:00Great insight, I'm going to share this blog po...Great insight, I'm going to share this blog post on our Women for Decency Facebook page.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577187331531947821.post-15408471806987516312013-01-02T10:30:40.282-08:002013-01-02T10:30:40.282-08:00Mark,
You're conflating a bunch of things he...Mark, <br /><br />You're conflating a bunch of things here. You're conflating:<br />-- The ability to bring up emotional topics with their partners<br />-- The ability to initiate sex<br />-- Your partner looking at porn<br />-- The woman's generation.<br /><br />I *strongly* suspect that women born in the 80s (putting them in their 20s - early 30s now) are more comfortable initiating sex and bringing up emotional topics than women born in the 50s and 60s were AT THE SAME AGE.<br /><br />So when you say "how could our culture have devolved to where women find acceptable such a life situation and relationship M.O.", you're not looking at the facts right. Our culture hasn't devolved in their way; it's evolved tremendously. Women are much more comfortable exiting unhealthy relationships and are much more comfortable initiating emotional and physical intimacy than women of other generations were (at the same age).<br /><br />I'm sure, of course, that 25 year old women aren't as uncomfortable initiate emotional or physical intimacy as 50 year old women. But then, that's because 25 year old women don't know their partners nearly as well and are generally less mature and confident. You have to compare the 25 year old woman to how the 50 year old woman acted at 25. <br /><br />You're also assuming that women are "settling" for their partners looking at porn. For me, and for every female friend of mine, it's not "settling." I don't care if my partner looks at porn -- not even one, tiny little bit. I don't see it as a bad thing for our relationship; in fact, looking at porn has been a good and healthy thing for us. <br /><br />Yes, this has been a change in the younger generations. Women are more accepting (even welcoming!) of their partners looking at porn -- just as men are more accepting and welcoming of their wives working. This isn't women "settling" or men "settling." This is people *actually* being totally fine with it. <br /><br />I understand that porn can be abused and unhealthy. It's much like alcohol or video games in that respect. You can be addicted, but you can also use it healthily. And the vast majority of people are in the latter group.<br /><br />Of course, as a therapist who deals specifically with people who have an issue with porn, you're going to see the people for whom porn is an issue. This means either people whose partners have an issue with it (even when it's healthily used) or people who are in fact addicted. <br /><br />It's not right to generalize from that to all couples though and to assume that porn is always bad and women who accept it are "settling." I haven't settled. I just truly don't mind my husband looking at porn.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00501240584892530316noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577187331531947821.post-83463979398229295122013-01-01T20:00:39.087-08:002013-01-01T20:00:39.087-08:00Every man does it. You can't control him, you...Every man does it. You can't control him, you can't tell him what to do, you aren't his mother. Men are programmed to look. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you. Wouldn't you rather he take care of himself and leave you alone. Those girls aren't a threat to you. Those porn actresses/strip club performers are dirty whores. He's not going to actually fall for one of them. Or alternatively, Those girls are so hot, he's way out of their league and could never score one of them. He's going to settle for your slobby ass cause he has no other options, as long as he watches whatever porn he wants whenever he wants.<br />You just are being insecure. You can't use your low self esteem to try and shame someone into obeying you. What a man does with his penis is his business, so long as it's legal. If there's a girl naked a man is going to look and then masturbate to the image. Sure it's offensive but just don't think about it. This is why you never check the computer history. You invaded his privacy and think he owes you something now? I know if I saw what my husband uses when he masturbates I'd feel horrible and be sad and hurt, that's why I don't look. Just ask him to hide it better. he won't stop and if he tells you he stopped, he's lying.<br /><br />All of the above were excuses and scoldings given to me by Women when I expressed my objections. My favorite was "just don't think about it" I mean, that could be the best piece of marital advice ever given. Would save people the heartache of dealing if their spouse is overly involved in porn, white supremacy, tax evasion, illegal meth production...the possibilities are endless.<br /><br /><br />I think you are on to something with the idea of a new sexism. I feel as though women pulled off a sexual revolution and when the dust settled there we are were still continue to play by the very rules that were already there. And an overwhelming sense of "eh, what are you going to do?"<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /> Lindsayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12316243076876192563noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4577187331531947821.post-17234010678379181412012-12-29T15:54:00.810-08:002012-12-29T15:54:00.810-08:00I am not sure where to begin. First I would like t...I am not sure where to begin. First I would like to say to Kimberly " I don't think that waiting until school is over is a valid reason for holding off on bringing up the subject of pornography with your boyfriend. I think it might be something that you tell yourself so that it feels okay to sit back and watch things continue to burn. Of course it bothers you! Why shouldn't it? You want your boyfriend to turn to you instead of movies. Most women desire an emotional connection over a physical one I think. So when your boyfriend turns to something other than you for a connection it hurts. You feel like " what's wrong with me? What do those women have that I don't? I wish he'd connect with me for 3 hours, get lost in conversastio, and be so caught up in us that nothing else mattered." Like Mark said this is a great opportunity to see where the relationship stands. Sure he might feel mad because you were " snooping", he might leave for a while, he might do a lot of things. If he really loves you though he will first say " I'm sorry". Then he will need to listen to how all of this makes you feel. Kimberly I have been on your boyfriends end. I am married and I wish with all of my heart pornography had never been in our marriage. I can't tell you the number of times I wish that I had never touched it. It is vile and toxic, it will eat away at something that could be so much more than it is now. I have always gone to my wife to tell her that I have looked at it again and I hurt inside and wished that I hadn't, that I had control over it. I hurt because I see how much it hurts her. I hurt because I know she feels like I don't love her or find he attractive. Truth is I do love her with all of my heart and think she is beautiful, smart, kind, selfless, more patient and forgiving than anyone should be. But my actions do not reflect that in her eyes, and I can't blame her .Yes he might treat you like gold, but imagine that there can be so much more. You deserve attention, love, and kindness. Pornography robs a relationship of all of that. If his feelings are real and deep then you have nothing to fear. Your golden realtionship can be turned into a diamond. More beautiful than gold and much, much stronger. Pornography is not something that is let go off quickly either. Chances are this has gone on for many years and it will take a lot of hard work and many years to control it. But it can be controlled. <br />Mark I feel that this has become the new norm because sexual content has been slipped into movies and TV and we are supposed to just get used to it, or so the media and world thinks. Society has become the frogs in a pot of water that is having the heat contiually raised. I will not be suprised when pornography reaches basic cable. I think women and men are told " it's normal for guys to watch porn, so get used to it". I know they try, but can not put it out of their minds that this is wrong. No one wants to be abnormal and to speak out against it would be and that is all that needs to happen for evil to prevail, that good men and women do nothing. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15794187901570244767noreply@blogger.com