Thursday, February 3, 2011

My Boyfriend Looks at Porn and I Hate It

Tricia writes, "Ever since I was young enough to understand what pornography is, I've viewed it as something inappropriate and degrading. I am not religious at all--in fact I am atheist. Nonetheless, I have led my life by a very strict self-imposed moral code. 

"I've been hesitant to get into relationships with men who view pornography. From the very beginning, I make sure to bring this topic up and make my position on the matter clear. This is a challenge because most men look at pornography. I've concluded that those who say they don't are most likely lying.

"My current boyfriend assured me that he was quite disgusted by pornography and hadn't looked at it in years. I believed him. Our relationship progressed and I thought things were fine.

"Over time I had some problems trusting him. He would lie to me here and there about little things. I'd forgive him though we'd try to move on. However, sometimes I'd get this bad feeling inside that he was hiding something from me. I just couldn't understand it. I'd ask him if he looked at pornography and he'd say absolutely not. 

"The anxiety started to really get to me, so I decided to go to therapy. I figured it was just my own insecurities and I didn't want to make my boyfriend feel like I couldn't trust him. 

"Two years into our relationship, something awful happened. I found pornography on my his computer. I tried to let him redeem himself. I asked him if he was looking at pornography and he held me close and said he would never do that because he knows how it would hurt me. 

"I was furious. How could he lie right to my face about something so important to me? I told him what I'd seen on his computer. He tried to deny it initially, but eventually came clean. He told me he has been looking at it for the entirety of our relationship and just couldn't bring himself to tell me. He said that he'd always felt ashamed. He knew that if I ever found out I would be devastated and possibly leave him. Yet he did it anyway. 

"It has been really difficult for me to wrap my head around the whole thing. To realize how many times he has selfishly lied in order to get me and keep me in a relationship with him. If he had admitted that he looked at porn, I could have made up my own mind about what I wanted to do. Instead, he let me believe that he was the guy of my dreams who wasn't like other guys. I should have known better I guess. 

"He is willing to go to counseling and wants to change. I just don't know if I can go through what it might take to heal our relationship. I am feeling very lost. My anxiety is so extreme right now that I can't sleep. I can't focus at work. My mind races with horrible thoughts.


"I'm trying to deal with my anxiety in therapy. I want to progress on the path of healing and eventually trusting again.  Any words of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated."

Thanks for writing Tricia. Our heart goes out to you. I know that you've spoken for a many women. Here are some thoughts about your situation. I hope they're helpful.

Each one of us has a sentinel in our brain that monitors what we go through every day. It’s a nervous system alarm mechanism that’s sort of like a love watchdog, and it’s always on the lookout for signals about how our most important relationships is going.

Human development experts call it our attachment system. Those researchers who have come to know it best say that it switches on in the womb and operates until we die. The signals it sends us are both unmistakable--in fact, they're unignorable. Subjectively, they seem to come from the depths of our soul, which makes me suspect that there is more than just biology at work here.

This love watchdog, this sophisticated yet primal network within the nervous system, has a key purpose in our lives. It tells us whether everything’s okay our relationship with our primary attachment figure.

When I need him, is he there for me? If so, the sentinel screams out from the castle tower, “All is well!”

When I call, does he come? Another shout from the tower: “All is well!”

Is he as interested in me as I am in him? Nothing from the castle tower. Well, is he? I’m on pins and needles waiting for the sentinel’s signal.

Since we’ve been together I’ve been sexually exclusive. I’m drawn to him so I eschew chances to pursue other relationships. I’m content. He’s enough for me. Thoughts of sex with other people are less compelling to me than thoughts of sex with him. Even when I do find someone else attractive, I restrain my yearnings and fantasies. What we have together is too important. To flirt or fan the flames of lust for someone else would seem to strike at the heart of what I want to share only with him.

It’s been awfully quiet in there. Did he leave? There he is at the computer wide-eyed. He doesn't even hear that I’ve come in. What’s he working on that has him so engrossed? What?! Oh my, no!

Women don’t choose to be offended by porn. Their attachment system gives them no choice. Stress hormones are dumped into the nervous system. The question, “Is he into me the way I’m into him?” gets answered in the negative. He can say it’s not about that. Perhaps she can come to believe him on a logical level.

Nonetheless, the gates of her emotional security have been splintered to shreds. Porn is the battering ram that did the damage.

Fortunately, when both partners are willing, relationship security can be restored. There’s a lot that can be done to repair and rebuild. So much that Geoff Steurer and I have written an entire book about it. Here are some of the most important insights you’ll find in it:

1. Pornography can be a hard issue for any couple to work through. It's not necessarily that either spouse is handling it wrong. She keeps bringing it up--or needs to--because she's traumatized. He doesn't want to talk about it because he's so embarrassed.  Each reacts the way they do because the relationship is so important to them. Unfortunately, they’re each unintentionally depriving the other what they yearn for most from the relationship.

2. She needs him now more than ever. She's hurting; he's the most important person in her life, the one she naturally turns to when she's in need. Sure he feels rotten for putting her through this, but he doesn't have to let that prevent him from being the one who comes to her rescue now by listening when she needs to talk. His attentiveness now will mean more than anyone else’s, be it a friend, family member, ecclesiastical leader, or therapist.

3. His hesitance to talk doesn't mean he doesn't care. He feels more than he shows. In fact, he may be emotionally overloaded because he’s let her down. He may feel like he can't bear to discuss porn so much. He may freeze up when he thinks about admitting that he is tempted or that he gave in again. However, he can at least tell her why this is so: because she is the most important person in his life, the one he wants more than anything to please and measure up for!

4. He can learn to hear her hurt. Over time he begins to see that it draws them closer to talk about this topic that used to wedge them apart. He can take in--without always taking personally--what she's going through when she feels insecure in the middle of the day or night, when she lashes out or wants her space, or when the topic of sex reopens her wounds. As he takes in her pain and fear without getting defensive or pulling away, he becomes a healer for the relationship.

5. His relapses to porn are often fueled by feelings. An important step toward gaining control is becoming more aware of his emotional responses to everyday events. He can get into the habit of talking about what happened during his day and how he felt about it. Acknowledging feelings helps defuse their potential to convert into addictive impulses. This may be unfamiliar territory for him, but it becomes a tremendous relief to reach out (instead of acting out) in moments of emotional vulnerability. It also helps them bond as a couple.

6.  Reaching for each other is more healing when we make it habit. The wounds from porn are deeper when it was a frequent problem; healing must be even more regular. Couples can make it a daily ritual to draw close to one another by talking and touching first thing in the morning, during the day, when they reunite in the evening, and before going to sleep.

An interesting thing happens for couples as they apply these insights. It takes time, but somewhere along the way, as they continue to work at it, the attachment system in the betrayed partner’s brain is put at ease. From the depths of her soul she hears the cry from the lookout on castle wall… “All is well!” 

And it really is!

37 comments:

  1. My boyfriend loves porn.. as far as I'm concerned I'm pretty cute 5'1 100 pounds, blonde hair, petit... But my boyfriend... he watches porn more then he pays.attention to me. He will lies to me about And when I bring.up how much it hurts me, he gets really upset and a fight starts. He makes me feel like crap when I try to tell him how I feel. It's like he doesn't care at all that it hurts me or that I cry.about it when.he's not around. After we clear everything up. He's leaving me alone in bed the next morning to go watch porn on his Iphone and pretend he's in the shower... Like it hurts me so much that.I dont know.what to do anymore. I love him more then anything, but he would rather look at other girls bodys then my. own

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  2. Myztikone, I'm so sorry, I can tell your heart is breaking. It may feel hopeless, like you guys will never connect again the way you did when you fell in love, but don't give up! Your boyfriend is not a lost cause!

    While he may be hooked on porn now (and it sounds like he is) you have something going for you that porn can't compete with: you're real! At the end of a hard day porn will never hear his complaints and sympathize. When he wakes up from a nightmare it will never be the warm presence next to him.

    Porn is addictive, and there are people who won't let go even when real love is available. However, there's only fleeting pleasure there, superficial distraction. Most addicts only want the fix, they don't want the life. Hopefully he will see the chance he has for a full real life with you and work to turn his porn habits around before you give up on him and he loses the chance.

    Perhaps you could start a discussion with him by asking the question: "Are you in love with the porn life, or just hooked on the porn fix?" Is porn more his drug of choice or is it an alternative love interest, a preferred partner? These may sound like silly questions to him, but it sound like they're very real concerns to you. And given his behavior, how could you not feel discarded and replaced?

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  3. My bf has watched porn so many times and has lief to yhe point i kant go out with him without worrying hes looking at other girls the may look like the girls hes lookef up i was able to see every picture nd video im nothing compared to those girls idk what to do i hate going out with him because i feel ugly nd that he may be looking at girls wiyh big boobs and buts

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  4. It hurts so much he would take so long in the bathroim i feel ugly with my self iv never felt like this its been a year like this he stoped well he claims four months ago bt hes lied so much idk how to trust him nd he gets mad when i accuse or ask y he isent holding my hand or kissing me in public and i just feel worse nd when he stops holding my hand i feel like he dosent want to be seen with me

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    1. I understand completely that's exactly how I feel I feel like I'm not skinny enough or pretty enough I don't make him happy no matter what I do I tried to kill myself in October cause I caught him watching porn he I cut the major artery in my wrist he promised he would never do it again but for the last three days he stole my phone to watch porn I confronted him about it and he told me I can't control him he's going to watch it no matter what I caught him titi night and I'm thinking about killing myself he doesn't care cause he still does it I have tried to kill myself twice so far why God keeps me here to take the abuse idk please i need help I know I'm ugly and fat and no one loves me

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  5. My boyfriend lied to me for months about watching the tulisa video and then told me his friend showed him it in work then I found it on search engine in the ps3. I can't get over the fact he lied to me all that time while I was looking after our baby. I am always there when he needs me but last night I found porn websites on his ps3 and I am really disgusted because he used one of my pajama tops to wipe it on! I am really angry he told me when I was pregnant that he didn't look at pictures of naked women or porn anymore inside I desperately want to leave but there's another part saying don't just be a family then there's apart saying I'm not happy constantly being lied to I would be happy without him, if he can lie about that he can lie about anything else. i confronted him last night and he shouted and said every guy does it

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  7. Since I met my husband, he's watched porn. Been thru so much together. He tries so hard not to lie but then again he plays sex games while I'm in the room. I told him I hated when he did that before so this time I'm just really sad right now. I don't even want to bring it up this time but would it be wrong of me if I refuse to have sex with him because I'm just so hurt and tired of this. I feel like I want to leave him, like I should but I don't want to sabotage myself either. We have 2 kids and I hardly have time to please him but I try so much to have the energy and time for him. I feel we only got married of the sex we use to have.

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  8. I've been with my boyfriend two years. We agreed to not watch porn at the beginning. I found out that he did four times in the last four years yet he still denies it. I really hate porn and how it makes me feel. I feel fat and ugly, I feel the need to make myself look better than those women although I never could. Sex with him has just been mechanical lately. I am really hurt and disgusted that he would do this and lie to me. I have him an ultimatum yesterday if I found one more piece of evidence that he had watched porn that it would be over for us. I honestly believe this may stop him. Our relationship means a lot to him I can tell. He would be completely lost without me and devastated. I'm trying to be positive but inside I'm still really hurt. There is this nagging voice at the back of my head always thinking about the porn and if he's watching it. Porn has made me paranoid. Why can't people be decent nowadays? If your single cool watch porn but if you're in a relationship realize you are making this woman's self esteem flush down the toilet they may even hate themselves. I wish men could empathize better.

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    1. Rachel, our hearts go out to you. Sounds like the secrecy and lying make it all the more painful. You wish you could empathize better--but it sounds like you need a lot more empathy, too. Many men try to compartmentalize it and don't want to acknowledge it. And they're very ashamed of making their woman hurt this way. But the end result is so sad: you end up feeling ugly and like you should be (or look like) a different person. Such a shame, given the gift that each of us are as individual human beings! Yet that is certainly what sex obsession seems to do to us and our relationships. As you said, "Why can't people just be decent nowadays?"

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  9. My boyfriend watches porn all the time! I tell him how it makes me feel and all he has to say is im a bloke, its normal! And that i dont understand. It upsets me sooo much. I hate it, it makes me feel discusting knowing his doing it. Every chance he gets, he watches porn. I popped up town for an hour the other day. Come back and hed been watching porn and just laighs about it. I dont know what else to do :( it makes me feel physically sick and makes me not want to go anywhere near him

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  10. My boyfriend watch's porn . The reason he watch's it he says I start to think about you babe and then I get a hard on and we'll I don't want to walk around at work with it so I turn on some porn and I jack off and then I feel better and can get back to work . But it hurts cuz I feel like he wants a sexyer girl thiner better looking . I am 5'2 and 245 right now cuz I am pregnant. But I feel like I need to look like those woman to make him stop looking at it

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    1. I'm 5'5 and 210 lbs. I'm 7 months pregnant. Don't worry about you looking better than those whores on those porn websites. I know you posted this awhile ago but I felt the need to reply. I am in the same situation but my boyfriend actually bought another phone and hide it behind my back to look at porn! I caught him doing it on his phone about 2 months ago. He said he would never do it again but then a week later. Porn was on our PS4! I got all my stuff out of our apartment to teach him a lesson. After begging for me back for a week, I went back and tried to forget and forgive. Now a couple months later I found a random phone hidin in our closet, up above and he admitted he was using it to look at porn! I left him girl. Point being is I know you love him and I know it's even harder bcuz you have a little one on the way but he doesn't deserve you. You are carrying his baby something none of those girls or no one else had done. You have been there for him like no other I'm assuming. He is the one missing out. Nothing is wrong with your weight honey. You are pregnant and you'll get your body back afterwards. Think of your baby and what makes you happy. If its not him, leave him. He'll just have to learn the hard way.

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    2. Rae Rae well said!!! Kudos to you

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    3. Well said Rae Rae!! I've been going through all this as well but luckily we were able to get pro help and it took time, understanding and patience. Also every situation is different, every man has his own reasons for looking, some is plain addiction. If they want help and fight to get better then I say if you're mentally stable enough to handle some slip ups give him some time to try. Just my opinion :)

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  11. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to make it stop. I just want it to STOP. I am so madly in love with my boyfriend. We have been together for four years but this is a never ending cycle. There are times where it "stops" or it may just not be on his history anymore and then there are times where he will say whayever he can to try to make kt sound that he isn't the reason why it is on phone! He doesn't acknowledge my pain. He just gets mad and then leaves. I can no longer let myself feel this way but I know that he truly loves me so I don't want to leave him. But what is going to stop him? Why am I not enough? Why does my pain not give him enough motivation to just fucking stop?! I'm so sick of being lied to. I'm so sick of being scared of what he is looking at while I am not around. How am I supposed to trust him? Where do I even begin when he isn't even the least bit corporative. I am so depressed. I can't even find it in me to want to get ready anymore. What's the point in looking good for him if he doesn't appreciate it? I can't eat. "I need to be thin" is constantly on my mind when I get hungry. All of his porn videos have girls in the gym or have "world's hottest, most fit"... I hate myself for craving burgers when I am about to start my period. I hate myself for not working out or being what he wants. I can't find it in me to have sex with him. We used to have sex 3 or 4 times a day. I just don't want to anymore. It's not special. It's not fun. It's just a big fucking reminder of what he does and what he wants and that ISN'T ME. I haven't been able to have any sexual attraction to anyone other than him because I love him, but he, on the other hand, can look and get off to all these different women. It is heartbreaking. I'm not mad anymore, or disquisted. I am broken at this point.

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    1. I'm so glad you found our site and wrote about your experience. Awful! Our hearts are aching, especially as we read the word "broken" and hearing how scared his porn makes you. You don't deserve to live like that. He is a great guy in almost every way, otherwise you wouldn't be madly in love with him. Which makes the hurt cut even deeper! Many men find porn to be an easy and natural thing, but it's not that they choose it instead or "want it" MORE than the woman in their life. They've grown up with it, they find it compelling, but deep down they know it's not the most mature thing to be doing. Combine their own deeper dignity with the pain it causes their woman and that might be just enough motivation to get over the problem. But it takes time. And part of what happens over that time is they keep hearing from their one-and-only what porn does to her. So keep communicating with him and letting him know your hurts and why they hurt so much--because you are so madly in love with him and look to him and need his love and adoration like you need oxygen. He may not have "appreciated" that enough to motivate him to completely stop as of yet, but I guarantee the process of understanding you and being motivated to change is working away inside of him. Unless he's one of those calloused, selfish guys who doesn't let another person's feelings have any sway over their actions. But from what you've said he doesn't seem that selfish.

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  12. Well honestly ...a few nights ago when I saw porn on my bf's phone I just decide that I'll handle it as if it is not that bad. I told my boyfriend it is fine he can watch porn ... aslong as I'm allowed to fantasize about other guys. I could see the jealousy raged in him but he couldn't say anything. I thrn took a friend of his name and shout it out asif having sex with him... haha I did this all as if it was a joke! But I could see my boyfriend dodn't like it... he kept saying his sorry but I kept saying its not that bad! Later i told him how sexy the movie magic mike is... the dances really could be a turn on. See this is how you work with them... what they do you can do cuz ey? Visa versa right!? I honestly hate the idea of my guy fantasizing having sex with other women. Or having pleasuring thoughts with them. It awakens thoughts like 'is he in to me for sex or me?'... 'does he wish he could really have sec with them?' And so forth! But I love him and he loves me but rather than fighting make fun out of this. Go get some sexy guys on the internet and save their pictures. As soon as your boyfriend says he doesn't like it... then say you don't like it as well. You're supposed to be his only fantasy. His woman. His lady. His love. Not some girl that likes showing of her body on the internet. I'm sure he'll watch porn after this but atleast he'll have a bit of guilt everytime!*
    strongs girls
    don't let men #*&@% with your love!

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    1. This is one creative way to try to create some empathy inside of him for what you're going through. Let us know if it works over the long run. Empathy is love to the point of feeling pain if the other person feels pain. And the men who conquer their male lust and porn habit so often do it out of that very thing: empathy for the feelings it brings up in the very most important person in their life: their true one-and-only, the woman they adore and want to keep spending their lives with.

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  13. I've been with myboyfriend for four years now. We are currently not speaking as I found out he bad been looking at porn and looking up naked women again when I had told him not to again. I told him that if nothing had changed six months ago then I would break up with him. However I cannot bring myself to, I feel like no one else understands how badly this makes me feel, that people think I'm irrational and are throwing my relationship away for something 'that every boy does'. Many people have said that if I cannot accept it that no boy will ever change and I will probably be alone as a consequence. When I first found out 3 years ago I was destroyed, I didn't know how to deal with it and kept having panic attacks, I also stopped eating and became very thin which made it worse because I felt less sexy. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him, that I looked ugly and could never compare to all those fake, photoshopped girls and not sexy enough to have sex with him. It's made me very insecure about my body and everyday I worry that my bum/boobs are not big enough and that he thinks other girls are better than me. He always gives me hope that he'll change, but he never does. I know that he loves me, but I cannot handle the thought that he has sexual thoughts about other women as I don't think about having sex with other men. I don't know what to do because I feel like if I can't accept it, I will always be alone, but it makes me very unhappy and insecure.

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    1. Hi, I'm so glad you found our site. The fact that you guys are communicating about it is the key. Men do tend to struggle more with lust than women. But being with a woman we admire and want to please and want to be with forever makes us want to be a better man! But it's still hard and if we fall back into problems then we're tempted to lie so that she thinks we're doing better than we are. I tell you, he hates disappointing you! It kills him inside. (Of course though I acknowledge that lying about it was not the best way to avoid that!!!) Plus changing his browser, that's the sneaky young kid in him and that has to change if you guys are going to have a mature relationship. Guys have viewed lust as "so cool!" but "so forbidden!" for so long that sometimes they put the women in their lives in the position of being their cat so they can be the sneaky mouse. But who really wants to live as a mouse running from a cat or a boy hiding porn from his mom? As the old AC/DC song puts this mentality, "My mom threw away my best porno mag!" So keep reading all the posts on this site and talk him into it too and eventually (two or three years?) you guys will have a better relationship and you'll think back on how much porn used to hurt and say, "We made it! Who knew life could be so good! But you'll never get there and two years will pass with nothing to show for it except insecurity and sneakiness if you do what most people do and forget about this issue once the dust settles and some time passes. Then it keeps flaring up and you're always only trying to put out fires in times of crisis.

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  14. Me and my bf have been together for 3 years and have a 16 month old son. I found porn on his phone and just don't feel the same. We had argument after argument and he said he would stop. But I noticed him switching his safari web browser to do not track. And found more porn. It makes me feel like crap. I feel ugly and insecure, makes me feel like I can never live up to the air brushed women online. Everytime I confront him he says to get over it . But I'm sincerely thinking about putting restrictions on his phone - with a passcode so he can never look at explicit porn? I mean if he swears he's not doing it- then shouldn't be a problem if all of his internet is restricted. I'm also 5 ft 96 pounds. And his porn makes it worse for me cuz he looks up bbw woman that I can never be- I've always been small. But this is really getting to me! Should I put restrictions on his phone?

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  15. Been with my bad for 3 years have a beautiful 16 month son- but recently I have been battling porn- my bfs porn on his phone. It's too the point now he has lied to me over and over. Makes me feel sick to think of my man looking at some airbrushed bimbo online. I'm 5ft and currently 96 pounds. For a while o felt great about how I looked. Until I found bbw porn on his phone. We got into argument after argument. Saying he wouldn't look it up anymore. My problem is my bf is looking at women that are the exact opposite to me. Big boned women. It makes me feel too small and ashamed to be thin. I'm currently thinking about setting up restrictions on his iPhone. And if I Create his passcode he will not be able to view any content that is explicit or adult images. I mean if he says he's not

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    1. Wow Skinny Mom, how painful it must be to have his porn obsession hit you right in a way that shatters your usual confidence and self-esteem. I never hate porn more than when I hear the carnage it unleashes in the lives of couples who deserve so much better! I don't think restrictions on his phone will be as important as the two of you communicating and getting to an understanding and then working together to channel all your energies back to each other in loving ways instead of him being hijacked by lust and you being hijacked by insecurity.

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  16. If my bf is not looking at porn like he says which I know is all lies- he shouldn't be upset if his phone doesn't let him view? Should I set up restrictions on his iPhone? Or is that. No no?

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    1. Skinny Mommy, I'm glad you found our site. Some women set up restrictions like that and it can be helpful in the short run especially if you're working together with him to reduce the accessibility. This is particularly important at first when cravings may be the worst especially if he's in withdrawal and overcoming an addiction. The problem is some couples can get into a parent/child, police/criminal, boss/employee, cat/mouse type dynamic that really messes up the equal lover/lover, friend/friend, aspiring adult/aspiring adult dynamic that makes mature loving relationships thrive. Let us know if that's the case for you guys and we will point out which other posts to read on here so you guys can get healthy and balanced again as a couple!

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  17. I know how you ladies feel. I been with my bf for 3 years and just recently had a baby boy3 months ago. And like 2 months ago i found out he was watching porn and omg how horrible that me feel. I got so mad and sad i told him how that made me feel. It made me feel ugly and fat and my self esteem hit rock bottom. I talked to him about that makes me feel. Like its disrespectful because you have me like am i not good enough for you? He said he promised me he would never watch it again but then 2 weeks later after that i found out he was watching it again. This time he denies and says that its just the history saved up and that he swears hes not watching. Ok i forgave him and blah blah. But then a couple days ago i just found out again. I started crying to him and i told him how bad that it makes me feel. Like he should be having eyes for me only right? I mean he says he loves me and he cannot imagine his life without me and our son and im just like ok so pls dont do thia anymore i mean you knoq how this makes me feel so olease stoo and he swore and even kneeled down on one leg and said he will stop. But tell me why today i saw it again on his phone :'( he still swears its not him that its the history saved on his phone but i dont know what to believe ananymore. He has promised me so many times and still the stupid name of that whore on his phone still pops out. I have come to the conclusion that he is just never gonna stop. And this kills me inside because he knows how this makes me feel inside like im not worth anything to him. :'( i dont know man. Sometimes i feel like if he wants to go and look at other women, then whats the point in being in a relationship with me if hes not gonna only have eyes for me you know ? Ughhh i hate porn. Why cant it just not exist >:/

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    1. Diana thanks for sharing your experience. Sounds like your boyfriend adores you and is more hooked on porn than he would like to be. He's pretty ashamed and frustrated that he keeps falling back into it so he denies and lies in hopes you won't get mad and leave. I hope this website can help you guys keep loving each other and get out of this porn sickness forever. Remember, it may take time. Would you be willing to try this? Read my comment to him and ask if it's all true. If it is tell him you love him and you and he can make it through this together but being straight with each other and open and real is important and if he will be all those things you can make it through this together and come out better the other side. If he hugs you and says, "Yes! That's what I want and I want my life with you!" Then come back and let us know and I'll tell you the posts on here to read and the order to read them in to help you guys heal this wound and, better yet, become a rock-solid strong couple where you'll look back and say, we not only got out of that awful hole called porn, we climbed to the top of the mountain together as a couple and built the sweetest love we could imagine!

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  18. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and together for 6. I've known since I got with him that he watched porn, and has since he was very young. He never hid this from me. I tried to accept it as a part of the male need for visual stimulation, and change from what he sees everyday: me. Logically, I could come to terms with it, and in fact, was very proud of myself for overcoming my female need to be the only woman he lusted over. But despite the fact that he never lied about it, I still relate entirely to the women above who feel betrayed and less than the women in those videos. I'm outraged that men need that kind of woman in their lives, even if only in their fantasies, and it makes me want to scream at him to marry one of those females instead, since he can't appreciate the smart, attractive, loving woman he has right in front of him. He says it's a childhood habit, and doesn't reflect on his opinion of me at all, but how can that possibly be true? He doesn't want me, he wants them. Every other part of our relationship is picture perfect. We're the best of friends, he's there for me, he always takes the burden and puts me before him. I feel ungrateful, but at the same time I wonder, if he loves me so much, why can't I be enough? Why will I never be enough for him?!

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  19. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and together for 6. I've known since I got with him that he watched porn, and has since he was very young. He never hid this from me. I tried to accept it as a part of the male need for visual stimulation, and change from what he sees everyday: me. Logically, I could come to terms with it, and in fact, was very proud of myself for overcoming my female need to be the only woman he lusted over. But despite the fact that he never lied about it, I still relate entirely to the women above who feel betrayed and less than the women in those videos. I'm outraged that men need that kind of woman in their lives, even if only in their fantasies, and it makes me want to scream at him to marry one of those females instead, since he can't appreciate the smart, attractive, loving woman he has right in front of him. He says it's a childhood habit, and doesn't reflect on his opinion of me at all, but how can that possibly be true? He doesn't want me, he wants them. Every other part of our relationship is picture perfect. We're the best of friends, he's there for me, he always takes the burden and puts me before him. I feel ungrateful, but at the same time I wonder, if he loves me so much, why can't I be enough? Why will I never be enough for him?!

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  20. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and together for 6. I've known since I got with him that he watched porn, and has since he was very young. He never hid this from me. I tried to accept it as a part of the male need for visual stimulation, and change from what he sees everyday: me. Logically, I could come to terms with it, and in fact, was very proud of myself for overcoming my female need to be the only woman he lusted over. But despite the fact that he never lied about it, I still relate entirely to the women above who feel betrayed and less than the women in those videos. I'm outraged that men need that kind of woman in their lives, even if only in their fantasies, and it makes me want to scream at him to marry one of those females instead, since he can't appreciate the smart, attractive, loving woman he has right in front of him. He says it's a childhood habit, and doesn't reflect on his opinion of me at all, but how can that possibly be true? He doesn't want me, he wants them. Every other part of our relationship is picture perfect. We're the best of friends, he's there for me, he always takes the burden and puts me before him. I feel ungrateful, but at the same time I wonder, if he loves me so much, why can't I be enough? Why will I never be enough for him?!

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  21. Thanks for reaching out and sharing your experience with us Nancy! I will be writing a post next week about one of the primary things that helps men think better of it when they're tempted to lust over porn: empathy for women in general and for THE woman in their life. I will be sharing your comment with many men who claim, "my wife is fine with porn. Doesn't phase her at all." Perhaps some women genuinely aren't bothered by porn, but more feel the way you do I think.

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  22. My boyfriend and I have been together just over 4 years now... When we first started dating, he always had sexy pics of his exes or friends on his phone... I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and he told me he had completely forgotten about them and deleted all of the photos. To be completely honest, I could always feel that there was something between us. And it never seemed to fade or get any better. Fast forward about a year and the big (not the first) bomb hit me. I found an entire box of pornographic magazines and dvds hidden underneath his bed. At first when I confronted him, he responded very aggressively, telling me that I didn't trust him. Before he left for work the next morning, I told him it was porn or me. When he returned from work that afternoon he told me it was his younger brother's stuff (who lives with him) and took it to his brother's room. I was really hurt, but chose to believe him. Over the years I have found numerous porn sites (and dating sites and chat rooms) on his phone and x-box, but he always has some explanation for it, telling me he would never ever look at another woman and that it was his friend, brother etc viewing these things on his devices. Then, last December, I finally got the truth. After finding a ton of porn on multiple devices, he finally confessed, but said he had been done for months now, even though the evidence pointed to a more recent event... He told me that was that. Until one night I had a breakdown (he had viewed even more after we had talked) and he came clean that he had a problem and was addicted to porn. This meant that our engagement was cancelled, as I didn't want to get engaged to a man I didn't trust anymore. He hurt me so deeply and profoundly. I have had trust issues all my life because of my dad and he opened all the old wounds and made me feel worthless. Because I discovered his porn so many times, I knew what he watched. Those women are nothing like me. I feel ugly and broken. Like I could never measure up to what he wants. We decided to work on things and he's been hinting for us to get engaged and move in together, but I can't trust him anymore. And then, just today, I found even more. After he knew what I had been through. After all the promises. I confronted him and he got very defensive again, claiming that he didn't do anything. But I know the truth. I can't keep this hurt inside of me to myself anymore. He hasn't just hurt me over and over, he broke my trust - again! How can I get engaged to someone who can't be honest with me? He promised to come clean if he had relapses. I feel broken, ugly, worthless, betrayed and cheated. Help please... I can't handle this on my own anymore... If he can lie about this so easily, he can lie about anything!

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  23. PART 1
    The great love of my life, my ex-boyfriend who broke up with me during university in the cruellest and cowardly of ways 7 years ago came back into my life a year ago. I had moved on with my life and was in a happy place and he came back. He broke up with me back then because he felt he was too young and needed to get more experience (he was 22) and I was devastated and moved on only eleven months after that.
    When he contacted me to apologize 7 years later for what he did, he seemed a changed a man and I do believe he is. I never stopped loving him and neither did he. We started talking and spending all our time on skype and social media together (he lives far away, we used to be in the same country but he moved over the years). We got deeply involved and had strong feelings for each other and made plans to see each other again and have him come visit me. He sent me songs every day, we wrote for several hours after work each day, or talked or skype, even did intimate things. He was trying to be his best and prove to me that he had changed because I was still reluctant and wary and hurt since he had broken my heart once. He had been with a lot of women after the breakup and I only with one man.
    He promised me he would not look at other women, that I was the only one who interested him and that I was the apple of his eye. He did it because I was insecure about whether I could trust him (he hadn't been with a woman for 2 years at the point when he contacted me). We had very strong feelings (I suspect even then we knew we loved each other) and we both felt he had to make his best effort in the courtship phase to win me over again and make it up to me what he did.

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  24. PART 2
    Then, I had masters exams and for one month I needed to just calm my mind and I warned him that I needed those three weeks to study as much as I can and that I wanted to see if he cared enough to write even if I didnt. He promised me he would not look at other women and that he would write to me everyday regardless even if I did not write to him. He did write.
    I asked him not too long after that if he watched porn in a skype conversation. He said he did and told me it was in January (during my exams) - but for some reason I overread that in the conversation and didn't see it. I dont know how I missed that bc I find porn so hurtful and despicable and degrading! We met in March, he confessed his love and admitted he wants me to be his wife and have his children and we were happy. Then , while I was visiting him in his country the porn topic came up again but I was shocked to hear he had watched it while courting me (despite the fact he told me he did, I had not realized it!)
    He watched porn, not once, but twice during my exam studies while I was spending all day thinking of him, during our courting phase though he had promised me he wouldn't! Finding that out broke me. It has sent me into a deep depression because i feel humiliated, degraded, devalued, betrayed, inadequate, cheap, disposable, cheated, violated, disgusted, and deceived. Most of all I feel I wasn't enough. Why did he turn to those women instead of me? I am a professional model, other people find me so attractive and beautiful and want to be with me, I give him all my love, he had enough normal photos of me to be able to imagine me? Why did he choose them over me? Why did he choose to betray my trust and his promise to me to not look at other women but then go on not just once but twice to watch porn? I'm a good and very attractive girl (of a much higher-caliber than those poor women exploited in porn) and I don't understand why. He loves me, so why? Why did he choose his lust over me and my feelings and my trust if he knew how I would feel?
    I feel so betrayed and hurt and depressed. I simply can't take it anymore and the bitterness in my heart is turning me numb and icecold. I am considering breaking up with him because I don't know how to forgive him that. He said he never did it after that again and doesn't do it not but the trust is broken regardless and I have become paranoid wondering what he is doing every moment, being far away from me. He told me he thought of me both times, that it did nothing for him and that he stopped watching and stopped masturbating and then did it to me but I am heartbroken. He said he did it because it's something he used to do before (I don't understand that excuse either). It's something I did so I have to do it now? What? I'm don Inside and out :( How can I ever forgive and move past this? I try but the image of him sitting down conscientiously, turning his laptop on and searching for these women in January when he promised me, when he has me and my feelings for him, kills me and poisons my mind. Despite of the fact I am not I feel worthless, ugly and unloved. He said he is sorry and he told me he did not do it after nor will he ever again but how can I trust him again and forgive when he lied to me back then already and watched porn twice?
    It disgusts me and kills me.. watching strangers while you have a beautiful, good woman :(

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  25. Just wanted to add. Girls/Boys, Men/People that don't watch porn or dislike it, exists. Even the ones that dislike it and aren't religious at all. I searched this subject upon a game that I wanted to play, and I wanted to discover how much nudity there was, and if I could avoid it, simply because I really dislike it, and the game have a good story that's all that matters to me.
    That's just my case, I wanted to find someone else that didn't like it either, so I don't feel so abnormal or "gay" like some guys keep being idiots about.
    Alot of your problems begun when you knew he had pictures from exes for example, or even treated you bad because of a freaking porn, with woman or whatever that doesn't even care if he exists.
    In my opnion: Break up. If he gets so defensive, he is not a person that know what communicating calmly in a relationship is.
    It's not normal, I think, to find guys like myself. I didn't ever found a friend like me, but I just wanted to let it here that: It's not impossible, at least I exist, so others might too, maybe.
    You could be open and find okay him watching porn here and there, but don't misunderstand lack of Self-Control, love, or even respect for you with this porn thing. He could very well treat you with respect and not want to stop watching or whatever.
    That's it. Goodbye.

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  26. My boyfriend watches porn. And doesn't even try and hide it. He let's me use his phone and I find it and confront him and he says his brother or cousins stole his phone while he was sleeping in the bed next to me. His brother and cousin have their own phone why use his? We agreed when we first started dating not to because it upsets me. I already feel insecure about myself in so many ways that it makes me feel worse. My bf is my rock I don't know what I would do without him so to think I'm not "taking care" of him breaks me to pieces. When I confront him and he lies I always tell him we would work through anything I would just rather he is honest with me about it then lies. If he could just admit it to me it wouldn't be such an issue. And I worry that if he can lie to me on how porn got on his phone... what else is he lying about?

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